


Desolation of the sun

by languidkoala



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ages Are Changed, Angst, Anxiety?, Blackmail, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eating Disorders, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Language, Felix cuddlebug, Felix is also bad at feelings, Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is their baby, Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Sad, Seo Changbin is Bad at Feelings, Slight Homophobia?, Slow Burn, Stray Kids are Family, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, This Is Sad, Unrequited Crush, Violence, but it might get better, did I just spoil the whole fic, everyone is whipped for felix, everyone is worried, first chapters kind of suck but it gets better, first published fic sorry for bad tags, internalised homophobia (i think), lots of cuddling seriously, mentions of sexual exploitation, skz are famous, will put TW where needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:33:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 54,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/languidkoala/pseuds/languidkoala
Summary: The one where Felix loves Changbin. And Changbin hates to admit he loves him too.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N, chanlix platonic, hyunlix is confusing but still platonic ig, jeonglix platonic, jilix platonic, minlix platonic, seunglix platonic
Comments: 268
Kudos: 402





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> Well, this is my first fanfic. Usually I would spent weeks planning, writing and then leaving my works unfinished- I started this one yesterday and decided to just fuck it. So here it is.  
> Not beta-read. I still don't know if the plot even makes sense. Please be kind.
> 
> Enjoy!

Sunshine.  
  
What more is there to say? Lee Felix is an absolute sunshine. A fact well known by anybody who is at least a tiny bit interested in the K-Pop industry. The boy melted everybody’s hearts, even if all he does is flash a timid smile. Absolute sunshine.  
  
His members were no exception when it came to swooning over him, that goes without saying. Although they found each other fairly attractive -it was a group of 8 handsome boys, after all- Felix was different. They all fell for him, as much as friends can fall for each other without stepping over the boundaries. If there were any.  
  
Actually, fuck that. None of them would complain if the Aussie asked for a more intimate relationship. The same way nobody complained whenever the younger would crawl up to them, silently asking for cuddles and kisses. Nobody, but Changbin.  
  
Now, it’s not like Felix had no effect on him whatsoever. The only problem seemed to be that all the effect Lix had on him was rather negative. He often scowled when the younger would cling to them, bold enough to be explicit with his needs but somehow still too shy to actually ask. It pissed the shit out of Changbin. Shy? Yeah, right. A good actor, that’s all Felix was.  
  
“Channie hyung, can we eat ramen when we get back?” Felix smiled, already latching onto his hyung and leaning all of his weight on the older.  
  
Chan heaved a sigh, sneaking his arms around the blond. “Don’t you have other things to do? We’ve got a show tomorrow, yet all you think about is food? It’d be best if you don’t eat until after the show. You’ll look bloated.”  
  
“Oh… right. You’re right.” His smiled faltered for a split second. A great actor, he was. “But what if we eat it now? It’s only 4pm! By the time we finish practice, we—”

“Felix, no. We have practice now, don’t we? If you eat, then you won’t be able to dance since you’ll feel heavy and sick. Just go back to your position, we’re starting in a minute.”  
  
“Aish, you’re so mean sometimes, Chan hyung,” said Hyunjin, wrapping an arm around Felix, who managed to quickly detach himself from his eldest prior. “If he’s hungry, let him eat.”  
  
“I’m not saying he can’t _eat._ All I am saying is he shouldn’t eat trash. A salad? Fine by me!”  
  
“Maybe he doesn’t _want_ a salad?”  
  
“Hey, it’s fine!” Felix tugged at Hyunjin’s sleeve. “It’s fine, seriously. Chan hyung’s right, we have a show tomorrow. Let’s get back to practice.” not giving Hwang any time to retaliate, the younger started pulling him towards the centre of the room.  
  
Chan did not fall oblivious to the glare he received from Hyunjin before he turned around. He chose to ignore it, though; he’s a good leader.  
  
“How do you even manage to still deal with them? I would’ve given up so long ago. Especially with Felix.”  
  
“Now, now. Don’t be rude, Changbinnie.” Chan grabbed his half-emptied water bottle. “He’s just hungry. And don’t act like you never get cravings.”  
  
“Yeah, but I don’t cling onto everyone and fake puppy eyes just to get it.” Changbin rolled his eyes. The older snorted. “What?”  
  
“Nothing, nothing. It’s quite funny how he idolises you, and how it’s not a problem if _you_ are the one he is clinging onto.”  
  
“Pft, as if. I hate it when he does it, it’s so annoying! The only reason I allow him to do it is because I can’t be bothered dealing with his whiny ass. And also, I can’t exactly smack him, can I? You’d all gang up on me then.”  
  
Chan hummed, taking his sweet time with emptying the bottle. He threw it in the bin, using his arm to wipe his mouth, “He only wants a little affection.” he pointed to the younger members, where Felix kept attempting to crush Jeongin with a hug. “And he is your younger brother. Don’t be harsh on him.”  
  
This time, Changbin was the one who snorted. “As if you can say anything. Don’t be harsh on him? But you are allowed, hm?”  
  
“I am the leader, I have to be s _trict_ sometimes. Of course, I would love to let him eat that fucking ramen, but whose fault would it be when tomorrow he’d start panicking because he doesn’t look ‘good enough’? I wasn’t even harsh on him!”  
  
“Right, sure. Whatever you say, hyung.” Changbin shrugged, averting his eyes from the group. Has he been staring all this time? “We should get back to it, I wanna get some good sleep tonight.”  
  
Practice went smoothly as usual, with various interruptions and repeats. Nothing surprising, considering they were all young and in dire need to constantly have fun. It all made their job better, though. Taking small breaks to crack a silly joke made horrible practice feel better.  
  
What made practice even better was Felix and his antics. Maybe most of the time the boy did not intend to be funny, but either way, he never failed to lift their moods. Seeing their sunshine having a go at his Fortnite dances, subconsciously making faces, or dropping dead to the floor once the music ended at last—his presence in general was enough to make them happy.  
  
Felix must have been extremely tired and starved, since he fell asleep straight after he squeezed inside the van. Chan felt a warmth spread over his heart as he watched the younger, yet guilt stung at him nonetheless. Maybe he should have let him eat whatever the hell he wanted? Poor Lix looked so worn out. It felt almost strange. All practice and the way to the van, the blond has been his bubbly, smiley self; now he aged a few years, appearing too worn out to be alive.  
  
Minho ended up sitting beside his fellow Lee, immediately taking off his jacket to cover the smaller with it. A fond smile lingered on his lips, hand finding its way to the silky soft hair just to ruffle it gently. The eldest turned back to face the front, silently thanking Minho. Watching how all the kids took care of each other left Bang at ease. At least he knew that he chose the right people to form the family.  
  
“He must’ve been really tired, huh?”  
  
“I’m not surprised,” said Jeongin. He glanced at Felix with a frown. “He hasn’t even slept properly.”  
  
Chan turned to the youngest. “No? Why not?”  
  
“I don’t know. I woke in the middle of the night and he just… sat there. Maybe he was watching the stars.”  
  
“That is probably what he did. Don’t worry too much, yeah?” Chan smiled, reaching out to ruffle his hair. Jeongin scooted away, quietly whining complaints and smacking the elder’s hand away. “I’m sure he had a good reason to stay up.”  
  
“So… do we wake him now?” Minho questioned, glancing at the sleeping beauty beside him.  
  
“No, don’t. I’ll take him in.”  
  
“I can do it, hyung. You’re exhausted,” Hyunjin hummed as the van stopped.  
  
“No, no, it’s fine. I will do it. You guys go, I’ll be right behind you.” Chan ushered them all out, shutting down any complaints.  
  
Once he undid Felix’s seatbelt, the freckled boy stirred. Turning to his side, Lix curled up like a little child. His eyebrows were drawn together slightly, and Bang figured he must have felt cold. Fixing Minho’s jacket over his small body, Chan carefully picked him up with ease. Oftentimes, the older couldn’t help but marvel at how light his members were. Felix and Jisung in particular.  
  
“Remember you’ve got to be ready by 7am tomorrow, yeah?” the manager patted Chan’s back. “Get rest, don’t play games all night.”  
  
Chan only nodded and after giving a slight bow, he rushed inside the building. The cool air formed goose bumps on his skin, and he did not wish to make Felix freeze. The boy was too precious for that.  
  
The second he stepped inside the elevator, small hands clutched at his shirt. Chan raised his eyebrow, glancing down at his fellow Aussie who now managed to snuggle into his chest, hiding his face effectively.  
  
“Ah, I knew you weren’t sleeping, brat.”  
  
“Shush. Just hold me, hyung.” Chan smiled.  
  
He held Felix all night long.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first two are pretty much filler chapters, I promise the next one will be better.
> 
> Have a nice read!

***  
  
  
To say Changbin felt livid would be an understatement.  
  
Waking up, he expected to hear soft melodies of the birds outside; a smell of coffee and breakfast crawling through the door crack. Maybe even a gentle morning breeze, with a sky flourishing a peachy pink outside the window. What a fool he was.  
  
Instead, he woke up to this _annoying_ loud, warm laugh and tiny giggles. Opening his eyes, no magnificent sunrise anywhere. An overly enthusiastic, clingy Lee Felix is all he got to witness first thing in the morning. And he wouldn’t mind, usually, of course. What business was it to him? Seo didn’t have a problem with the boy nor his weirdly intimate behaviours. Not at all. The only problem was the fact that Felix laid sprawled over Chan, looking at the older with literal heart eyes and acting like a _damn girl_. So loud, too! That, Changbin didn’t like. The noise. That’s all.  
  
“Do you ever know when to shut the hell up?” Changbin groaned, turning his back to them. Too disgusting to watch.  
  
“Oh, s-sorry, hyung! Did I wake you? I didn’t mean to! I thought you were a heavy sleeper…”  
  
Seo let out a scoff. “I’m surprised you can even think at all.”  
  
“Yah! Grumpy again? Don’t take it out on the youngsters.” Chan bopped Felix’s button nose to get rid of that heart-breaking frown. “Go get ready with the rest, I’ll be there soon.”  
  
Lix didn’t reply, hastily jumping off the bed and leaving the room. His cheeks burnt with… with what exactly? Humiliation? Frustration? No. The room must have been too warm, and sleeping on Bang only added to that. Why should he even feel ashamed? It’s not like he never got called a stupid idiot before. Not like he did not know his own stupidity. Out of all people, he knew it all the best.  
  
With a quick, messy wipe at his cheek, Felix stepped inside his room. Sharing it with Jisung and Jeongin had its ups and downs. Han preferred to spend a significant amount of time in Minho’s bedroom- the younger never felt the desire to ask for details. Some things should stay unspoken of. Nevertheless, he liked to think of this as an advantage. Considering that’s one of his roommates gone, one would think he will have better chances at having some alone time. Jeongin, as lovely and adorable as he was, annoyingly took a liking to staying in their bedroom at all times. Major downside. Having the room all to himself felt like Christmas to Felix.  
  
Could he ask for a room change? Certainly, a bad idea.  
  
Their dorm did not have enough rooms for anybody to sleep alone. On top of that, asking would make Jisung and Jeongin feel bad, uncomfortable, and maybe even angry. How could he even think of doing such thing? His parents taught him better. Felix needs to learn to stop being rude, even if it is in his head only.  
  
The blond glided towards the wardrobe, blind to anything else in the room. If he cannot be left alone, he may as well act as if he was. For the time being, at least. Sometimes loneliness is required for him to logically piece the puzzles together; Changbin was a puzzle that required much more than just a few minutes of pondering.  
  
“Morning, baby. Slept with Chan hyung again?”  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
“Nice.” Han eyed him cautiously. “Something happened? I’m sure I heard you laugh two minutes ago.”  
  
“Don’t worry, Jisungie,” replied the Aussie, stinging eyes focused on his jumpers.  
  
“Oh, okay. Well then, I’ll go make some coffee. Do you want anything?” Felix shook his head.  
  
A few seconds after a soft click resonated around the room, he turned around. No Innie. No Jisung. Sadly enough, no Changbin either.  
  
Scoffing dryly at his own s _tupid_ thoughts, Lix picked out random clothes to wear. Being alone gave him the comfort of changing with no judging eyes on his body, nor disgusted faces following him for the rest of the day.  
  
On top of that, a few long minutes of preparation were obtained. A couple more tears found their way down his freckled cheeks. Yet, he needed to compose himself. A couple tears should be enough for the day. It would be extremely foolish to have another crying session when anybody could come in. A couple tears, then smile and laugh for the rest of the day. That should do it.  
  
As long as he can hide in others members’ arms, Felix might be okay. He wasn't even sad! Not at all. Why would he be? He's the bubbly member, the sunshine- of course he isn't sad. Maybe a little hungry, tired. As happy as ever.  
  
Deep inside, he wished that the only arms he could hide in would be the ones always pushing him away the second he got close. Getting a nice, long cuddle from Changbin took a significant amount of wrestling first. Could he ever win against the older? No. Thinking so would be quite laughable, considering how buff and intimidating Lix found him. Another problem is that he would never want to upset or hurt his Changbinnie. If he did not want to cuddle with Felix, then so be it. The younger would still try his best.  
  
Though he was failing, it’s the effort that matters, right?  
  
  
***  
  
  
“Hey, maybe we should—”

“Not now, Felix.”  
  
“I know, but hyung!” the younger furrowed his eyebrows. Was Chan in a mood again? “The vending machine is not far!”  
  
“I said, _not now_. Can you ever listen to anybody? You should be stretching or practising, not bothering everyone else!”  
  
Felix merely nodded, casting his eyes down. It seems like the leader did not feel too well today. What a shame, he was so lovely last night- Lix caught himself idiotically thinking that Chan would always be like this. Just when will he ever learn? “I’m sorry.”  
  
Considering how often this happened, Felix shouldn’t be bothered. In fairness, the boy often told himself that he did not care one bit. Chan knew best for he was the leader, and Lix seemed to be nothing more than a bother to everybody else. Some things truly never change, Felix thought.  
  
“Yeah, go and do something already.” Bang waved him off, focusing more on the approaching Seo Changbin. Upon noticing the older, Felix’s eyes widened for a split of a second.  
  
Seo spared the younger a mere glance, before his eyes moved onto Chan. The elder did not miss the way Changbin’s eyes narrowed menacingly; a silent challenge. Knowing him well enough, Chan let it go, again. The youngest of the three sneaked another quick look -or two- at their newcomer, his expression brightening up gradually.  
  
“There are some drinks on the sofa, Hyunjin and I got them earlier,” said Changbin, eyes looking nowhere near Felix.  
  
“Oh, great! Thanks, hyung!” with the fastest hug ever and a polite head bow, off he was. Bang stayed ignorant to the situation. Changbin grumbled under his breath, disgusted with the sudden assault. In the corner of his eye, he spotted Felix getting his drink _and_ crawling onto Hyunjin’s lap.  
  
“Tch, so annoying.”  
  
“Tell me about it.” Seo raised an eyebrow. “What?”  
  
“I thought you love him. Considering you always baby him…”  
  
“Sometimes, enough is enough. As much as I love spoiling him, I am still his leader before I am his friend. Priorities, Changbin. Keeping members in line plays a bigger role than you could imagine.”  
  
Changbin hummed, catching the sight of Hwang and Lee all cuddled up, in his peripheral vision. “I suppose you’re right.”  
  
“I am. Now go tell them off, and do some stretching. No slacking off this time. And no ogling Felix, you pervert.”  
  
“Yah! When did I—shut up!” Changbin smacked Chan’s shoulder. Before the older could retaliate, Seo rushed off to scold the annoying _couple._  
  
Thinking about finally getting to let all of his frustration out, all the while having a great excuse, made his stomach tingle. Yet, as he approached them, all of that excitement evaporated.  
  
How could he try to reprimand them? When Felix lay there, all curled up on Hyunjin’s lap like this? A tiny kitten seeking warmth. Nobody could ever scold a kitten.

For some reason, Changbin ended up going to the bathroom instead.  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait, since I posted this fic with not much planning, I did not manage to write a few chapters ahead. Then school got busy, so yeah. I will try my best to update often! 
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying this story <3
> 
> Have a lovely day/night!

  
  
Felix hummed lowly to himself, kneading the dough in his hands. Cooking and baking seemed to be a good stress reliever, especially when it came to making bread. The whole process of kneading the dough gently yet forcefully made time pass unbelievably fast, while all his worries disappeared for the time being. Certainly, a major advantage of compulsive baking seemed to be the fact it did not raise any suspicion; his members thought Lix just wanted to bake, and he did not wish to correct them.  
  
Telling anybody about any of his worries, thoughts or struggles would be plainly dumb. Why should he bother them? Who does he even think he is, thinking they deserved to waste their time on irrelevant thoughts? Sometimes, he truly loathed himself.  
  
Of course, it is all useless thoughts and nothing else. He is happy. Felix must always be happy, always be the sunshine who always laughs and always brings support to others. ‘Other people must always be the priority’ is what he learned in his nineteen years of existence. For reasons unbeknownst to everyone, the boy lived his life convinced he must make everyone happy in order to be happy himself. So, he did just that.  
  
At times like this, however, kneading fresh dough with flour all over his overpriced clothes, he couldn’t help but ponder what went wrong. Are his members not happy? Lix certainly did try his best to make their lives easier, better. Filled with midnight giggles and daily cuddle sessions. They should be happy, they _are_ happy. So why isn’t he?  
  
The boy smacked the dough against the table, emitting a loud slapping sound that made his nose scrunch up. Now he’s even taking it out on the poor bread dough? How pathetic.  
  
 _I am happy_.  
  
Felix loved to tell himself various things. This being one of them. He would repeat it over and over again, like a mantra. If you repeat it enough, a self-fulfilling prophecy should follow, right? Then why the hell is it still not working?  
  
“Felix?” he flinched, dropping his dough again and whipping his head up to the side. Bless his neck. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”  
  
“Oh, it’s okay, Changbin hyung!” the younger assured quickly. Felix’s heart started beating faster out of nowhere. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“I just got back from the studio. Uh… is everything alright?”  
  
“Of course! Why wouldn’t it be? I’m fine!”  
  
Changbin blinked. “It’s 1am?”  
  
Felix opened his mouth, closing it seconds after. Casting his eyes down, he focused on the dough which at this point, must have been overworked. 1am? No way he has been doing this for the past hour.  
  
“Felix?”  
  
“I was hungry.” He threw the dough back in the bowl. Maybe he will bake it tomorrow. “I’m fine. Why are you coming back this late? Have you eaten, hyung?”  
  
“We were working on new songs. I’ve had dinner earlier.”  
  
“But you’re hungry, right?” a small smile appeared on Felix’s face. He knew Changbin well enough. “Sit down, I’ll make you something. Don’t worry, I’ll make it light.”  
  
The older complied, taking a seat by their table, curious eyes never leaving his dongsaeng. Everyone else was asleep, maybe excluding Chan and Jisung, though they were in beds either way. Why would Felix stay up so late? It seemed to be happening often these days, according to Jeongin. Changbin did not want to admit it, but his stomach clenched uncomfortably at the thought of something bothering their sunshine.  
  
“You’re not going to eat?” the older questioned once a small bowl of yogurt with fruit was placed before him. Having sugar now will not help falling asleep. Felix didn’t need to know.  
  
“I’m not hungry anymore. You eat, hyung. You must be starving.”  
  
“Yeah, I am. Thank you,” said Changbin. Without wasting time, he dug in. Plain yogurt never tasted better. “Yongbok?”  
  
Felix focused his onyx eyes on his hyung. Yongbok. Members did use his Korean name often in front of cameras, though they rarely ever did in private. On the rare occasions they did, it would be to scold him or deliver information of utmost importance.  
  
“You do know—I mean—ah! Whatever I say, or do, I still… just, you can always talk to me, okay? About anything. I will be more than happy to listen.”  
  
“I know,” said the blond. He took a seat opposite his hyung, admiring his features. Staring would be no problem, Changbin never bothered enough to notice.  
  
“Good. That’s good.”  
  
Silence fell over the two. While Seo ate his late-night snack, Felix’s eyes roamed all over his face. His dark eyes shimmered with sparkles of happiness, illuminated by the kitchen light. Watching the older like this worked better than his kneading therapy, or any therapy in general. The younger’s heart filled with warmth every time he was gifted a few minutes to admire his alluring member. Though, it never struck Felix as peculiar. Getting a chance to admire _any_ of his beloved members worked like an aphrodisiac. It made his heart and body feel warm, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. For some reason, the feeling intensified when with Changbin. Nothing weird, of course- he was in a group with extremely handsome males, after all. Resisting their charms proved to be difficult. Especially with how they all seemed to love showering him with affection (Felix wasn’t complaining).  
  
As Changbin finished eating, he raised his head. Their eyes met for brief, mere couple of seconds. The younger’s wide pupils did not go unnoticed by Bin. Mostly due to the fact that Felix resembled a kitten more than ever, with his pupils so blown out as if pleading. Changbin knew the boy was indirectly pleading for what he yearned the most; affection. Attention, in general. Praise, too. Sometimes he found it despicable. How much of an attention seeker can one be, all the while keeping up that shy persona?  
  
“I’m going to bed,” said the older. Lix scrambled off his seat, rushing to grab the bowl before him. “You—”  
  
“You go on, hyung. I’ll wash it for you. I’m sure you must be exhausted, and I sat around all day. Go rest.”  
  
With only a sceptical look thrown at the boy, Seo gave a nod and left. If he could avoid washing dishes, he chose to let Felix do as he pleases. One of Changbin’s favourite things about being in a group would always be how he could get away with not doing much housework. Certainly, being one of the eldest made it all easier. He would not exactly say he abused his authority. Maybe sometimes. Not this time, though! Lix volunteered, and going to bed seemed to be the only thing Bin could be bothered doing now.  
  
He managed to get changed faster than usual, maybe due to the small dose of sugar from fruits. Although, considering it did not make him feel any less tired, he quickly dismissed that explanation. Clearly, Changbin is just too good to even comprehend it himself.  
  
Their beds were not top quality but they did their job. To somebody who spends most of their day dancing or storming their brain, any bed is fine. Getting under his covers after such a busy day felt like a blessing to Changbin. Turning to face the wall, he shut his eyes and heaved a sigh of content. His muscles relaxed, mind switching off straight away.  
  
After only a few minutes, he found himself on the verge of sleeping. Partly in dreamland, partly in the real world. He was so very close to dozing off, and he knew he was going to fall asleep—a sudden pressure dipped his mattress. Changbin flinched, ready to turn and attack, defend himself and the rest. Yet before he could, tiny arms wrapped themselves around his body. A source of warmth clung to his back.  
  
Exhaling deeply, he cursed in his mind. There would be no need to turn around anymore. Only one person would be bold and desperate enough to do this. Feeling a face nuzzling the back of his neck only confirmed his suspicion.  
  
Damn Lee Felix and his stupid cuddles.  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I was dumb enough to think I won't be busy with school anymore. I didn't lie purposely, I swear- sorry for the delay. Turns out life is too tiring sometimes.   
> I suppose a this chapter needs a TW-not exactly ED, but definitely not healthy mindset either. (sorry if that spoils a lot) 
> 
> I hope I will be able to post more often. Please enjoy this one xx

  
  
  
Felix used to be a heavy sleeper. A tornado could wipe out his house yet he wouldn’t even stir in his sleep. He would only wake up if he got the right amount of sleep, or if somebody tried their very best at attempting to burst his eardrums. Thinking back, he wished he could sleep well again.  
  
It was rare for him to fall into deep slumber ever since he moved to Korea. During periods of stress (which, considering his job, are almost constant), tiny things such as a background conversation or a gentle touch were enough to force him to return to the world of pain and misery. How unfortunate.  
  
Feeling a hand threading through his freshly dyed lilac hair sent his mind and body into a panic mode again. He flinched as his eyes shot open, heart palpitating wildly. Only when his vision focused enough to recognise the person did he put his hand back down—when has he raised it? Sometimes he scared himself.  
  
“Woah, calm down. Did you have a bad dream?” Minho furrowed his eyebrows. Of course, he knew that the younger has always been jumpy. A fact well-known. Still, he did not realise how bad it had gotten.   
  
“No, sorry. Just… thought it was a spider.”  
  
“Felix,” Minho heaved a sigh. “You don’t try to hit spiders, do you? What’s up?”  
  
“Nothing, hyung. I’m fine,” said Felix. He sat up, fighting the urge to fall back and sleep forever.   
  
“This isn’t fine. Did… did you dream of it, again?” his voice fell to a whisper, eyes shaking as he glanced at his lap. The Aussie took a deep breath. “I just—”  
  
“I didn’t. Please stop worrying, you promised you wouldn’t speak of it again,” mumbled the younger, ignoring the wave of nausea washing over him. Great. As if he needed to be reminded of it right now. “It’s in the past, alright? You needn’t worry. Focus on the present instead, please.”  
  
Minho raised his head, lips pressed tight. An uncomfortable stinging irritated his eyes; he blinked once, twice. His vision remained blurry. Taking a deep breath, he croaked, “I can’t.”  
  
“You can, hyung. You can.”  
  
“I can’t. I can’t, Felix! How… how am I supposed to…?”  
  
“Move on? It is not as hard as you make it seem. Hyung, I know—” Felix delicately grasped Minho’s hand. “—that you feel guilty. You shouldn’t. It wasn’t your fault. Shh! It wasn’t, okay? I never have and never will blame you.”  
  
“I should’ve known. I should’ve taken care of you.”  
  
“But you _didn’t_ know because I did not want you to. Okay? I did not want you to find out. My fault, not yours,” Lix hummed, shuffling closer in order to cling onto the older seconds later. “Can we go get breakfast now? I’m hungry.”  
  
Minho hesitated at first, staring down at the younger’s back, before he finally wrapped his arms around his petite frame. Such a Felix thing to do—cuddle and change the topic. In a way, the brunet felt grateful. Maybe it really is best to forget it. But how do you forget?  
  
“Minho hyung~ oh, hi there, baby!”   
  
“Morning, Jisungie,” Lix hummed, abandoning the eldest of the three. Swiftly getting out of Minho’s embrace, he made grabby hands at his 'twin'.   
  
Jisung laughed, shaking his head as he stepped closer. Out of all people, Felix possibly felt most comfortable shamelessly asking Han. The reason was simpler than most thought; they relied on each other completely. If one had a bad day, the other would act like a battery. They needed each other to stay positive, relaxed. Whenever Jisung would feel anxious, he needed his Yongbokie to calm him down. Not even Minho seemed able to do so, which still leaves the members perplexed.   
  
“Did you need me?” asked Minho. Watching his Jisung plopping on the bed to let Felix settle in his lap should have made him feel jealous, he knew that. He felt his heart melt.   
  
Only Felix could be this adorable first thing in the morning.  
  
“Breakfast is ready,” replied Jisung. He glanced at the koala in his arms. “Though I suppose I will have to skip now.”  
  
“Yah, don’t be stupid.”  
  
“Well, look at him!”   
  
“I can hear you,” Felix sighed. His face stayed nuzzled in the crook of Jisung’s neck, limbs tightly wrapped around him. “I’m just tired.”  
  
“Then stop staying up so late. Jeongin keeps snitching on you, you know. He’s kinda worried.”   
  
“I did not stay up late!”   
  
“Sure, of course you didn’t.” Minho rolled his eyes, getting up off his seat. “Let’s go eat now, I’m starving. Lix, get off.”  
  
“No, don’t wanna~”   
  
“Changbin hyung is there,” said Jisung. It worked magic, considering the leech hurried off to the kitchen in the blink of an eye. “Huh.”  
  
“God, can he get any more obvious?” Minho chuckled, extending a hand to help his boyfriend up.  
  
“Oh, yes. Believe me. It is Lee Felix you’re talking about.” Han stood up, leaving a quick peck on the elder’s cheek. “He is just like me; in case you’ve forgotten.”   
  
“Two Jisungs? Hell no, that’s work of the devi— ow! I’m your hyung!”  
  
Jisung stuck his tongue out and dashed out of the room.   
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Breakfast went fine, like any other breakfast on their ordinary days. If Changbin had to describe it in detail, he would go as far as saying it was dull. Boring. Eating and small chat. Woohoo.   
  
The only interesting thing that happened turned out to be Felix. Specifically his eyes, which appeared to be staring at Seo all the damn time, apart from the times when he would purposely stare back. Felix dropped his gaze down the second their eyes met. At one point, Changbin thought he saw the Aussie blush. It could have been just because of the hot tea the boy drank. Most reasonable explanation, to him at least.  
  
Since they finally got a day off, they chose to stay home and rest. Going out to enjoy the glorious weather did feel like a better way to spend their time. Yet none of them worried too much; they can go out some other day, when they have energy to move around.   
  
As usual on lazy days as such, Felix occupied the couch with Hyunjin. He clung to the taller as if his life depended on it, head leaning on his shoulder to watch whatever movie Hwang wanted. Frankly, Lix did not care about the film at all. Watching films did not bring him joy anymore, though it gave him a great excuse to stay cuddled up to someone. That was all he needed.   
  
Hyunjin kept his arm around the boy, playing with his shirt absentmindedly. Tugging, scrunching. Considering the large white shirt belonged to the elder, it hung on Lee loosely, making it easy to expose more of his smooth golden skin. Felix saw no problems with that. Not like anybody would freak out if they see his exposed collarbones or shoulder. He swore they all saw each other naked at some point, anyway.   
  
Changbin did not step inside the living room to see such a vile scene. _Of course, they have to be all over each other again_ , he thought while rolling his eyes. All he wanted on a lazy Sunday morning was some peace and a round or two at any Xbox game he could find. That’s all. _Is it seriously too much to ask?_  
  
“Undress him already if you’re so desperate.”  
  
Felix whipped his head to the side, wincing at the pain that shot through his body. Not a clever thing to do. Hyunjin, on the other hand, barely reacted. His hand only pulled at the shirt again, sliding the hem down one of the boy’s shoulders.   
  
“I might just do that, hyung. Wanna watch?” Hyunjin flashed him a smile, sly and mischievous. Changbin felt his fist tingle.   
  
“No. Why the hell would I want to watch that? Disgusting, ew,” spat Changbin, a scowl forming on his face. Felix turned his head back, eyes landing on the coffee table instead of their TV. “Go to a room or something, Jesus. Why do you always have to be so annoying?”  
  
“You’re just jealous because you don’t get to cuddle him as often. It’s not hard, though, you know? You can ask, and I assure he’ll say yes.”   
  
“As if I’d ever want to. Like I said earlier: disgusting.”   
  
“Suit yourself,” said Hyunjin with a small shrug. He focused back on the movie, while Seo took a seat beside the youngest.  
  
Felix did not return to watching. Focusing on anything would be too hard, when all he could think about was how _disgusting_ he was. His stomach clenched as he felt nauseous, thinking back to all he ate that day. Fried eggs, sausage, pancakes. No wonder Changbin considered him disgusting if he ate this much already. Maybe he should have listened to Chan whenever he forbade him from eating. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so disgusting that nobody could look at his body.   
  
Wrong. Lix knew thinking like this did not bring anything good into his life. But what can he do? Living as an idol turned out to be more stressful, challenging and restrictive than he anticipated. He knew he could probably classify as underweight already, yet sometimes all his rational thinking would disappear. If he was skinny, underweight, then why- why are all those online comments saying otherwise? Why is Changbin disgusted with him, and Chan always trying to stop him from eating? Other members did not get told off. Other members were pretty and skinny.   
  
Guilt started tugging at his heart as he sat there, eyes blankly resting on that stupid table. Thinking about how much trouble and frustration he must have caused their leader pushed him further inside the world of sorrow. All of the members must have been so, so embarrassed and angry. Felix always let everyone down.   
  
Changbin sneaked a glance at the freckled boy. He sat there, frowning in this ridiculously adorable way whilst his lips formed into a subtle pout. Although everybody always compared him to a cat (due to his cat-like face features) all Changbin could see was a sad tiny puppy. For some reason, the sight made his heart hurt.   
  
Considering Hyunjin stayed too focused on the movie and Felix kept staring at their coffee table, no other presence could notice him admiring the one sitting next to him. Sometimes he simply couldn’t help it. Especially when Lee sat there, all cute and cuddly-looking, but at the same time awakening Seo’s desire to scan every millimetre of his body. For science purposes, of course. Anyone in his place would want to see if Felix truly was beautiful all over. He has seen him get changed a few times, though all he got out of it were small glimpses. Not enough.  
  
“Enjoying the movie, Changbin hyung?” Jisung snickered upon walking inside the living room.   
  
Changbin averted his eyes from Felix’s exposed, tempting shoulder. Clearing his throat, he got up to rush back to his room.  
  
Jisung’s knowing eyes bore holes into his body. Seo did not have to turn around to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (If I am waffling too much please just tell me, I write these when my brain barely even works)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot lie to you, I am not happy with this chapter. The amount of times I had to re-draft it felt ridiculous. I am sorry if it is just plainly boring and confusing, I tried my best but the only time I get to write is by the end of the day when I am tired. Also I did not proof-read this so forgive me any spelling/grammatical mistakes :'(
> 
> Nevertheless, please have a nice read and please leave kudos if you like this story <3

  
  
  
Unlike what most people believe, celebrities do know a fair bit of what is going on. Fanfictions, nsfw accounts, ships, and so on. They were aware these things all exist. It felt safer pretending they did not, though. Felix learned that the hard way, unfortunately. Stumbling upon what he thought to be a sweet fanfiction he figured reading it might be fun. Long story short, the traumatised boy decided to forget these things exist.  
  
The only thing he could not ignore was how much fans loved to ‘ship’ the members. In all honesty, the fact that there were people rooting for him and Changbin made his heart warm sometimes. Clearly, this must mean he has a chance, right?  
  
On the other hand, many people loved Changbin and Hyunjin together instead. Felix could not blame them. Changbin, so manly, reserved and mysterious. Hyunjin, so ethereal, warm and bubbly. They looked so pretty together. Prettiest when they would snuggle close or playfully fight.  
  
For example, they looked extremely lovely after practice that day. Hyunjin sprawled on the couch, with Seo on top of him. It isn’t that Felix is jealous, or possessive—how could he, when him and Changbin were not even at the stage of flirting? It’s just that sometimes, only sometimes, watching the two makes him feel a variety of complex, perplexing feelings. The two of them are friends only, and Lee has no right to feel this way. At all. Yet, watching them from his spot on the floor, he found himself wishing Hwang wasn’t this perfect. At times like this he wished Hyunjin was born hideous. Right after having those thoughts cross his mind, guilt always followed. How selfish, rude? How could he even think this about someone like Hyunjin? The elder has been kind to him from the first time they met, offering help and support each step Lix took. Lee Felix truly was despicable.   
  
“You know, if you keep glaring like this, you might just murder them,” said Jisung, grabbing the younger’s water bottle from his hands.   
  
“What? I wasn’t even looking!”   
  
“No need to lie to me, babe. You do know I won’t judge. Also, we all know you’re whipped for Changbin hyung. Not exactly hiding it, are you?”   
  
“I don’t like him _that_ way, okay?” Felix murmured, willing himself to avert his eyes. Enough for today. Han snorted. “Seriously! I’m close with every member.”  
  
“But you want to be closest with him. I get it, really. Minho and I were the same before. And trust me, that guy’s a fucking dumbass when it comes to these things. So oblivious. Seems like Changbin is, too.”   
  
“So what if he is? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me! He’s got Hyunjin anyway. I’m sure they’ll make a lovely couple.” the younger got up hastily. A small wince formed on his face from the lack of proper stretching. Stupid. “I’m going back now.”  
  
“Now? Wait for me and Minho, we’ll go with you.”   
  
“No, it’s fine. I can go by myself.”  
  
“It’s dark already,” said Jisung. Felix could not read what his eyes were telling, but by the way his stomach churned, he figured he would rather not know.   
  
“It’s fine. I’m nineteen.”   
  
“No, it’s dangerous. You shouldn’t go alone, especially with no guards, okay? There could be sasaengs lurking around. We don’t want you to get hurt, do we?”   
  
“We’re in Korea, Sungie. One of the safest places. It’s not far, anyway, and I can protect myself if I need to,” said Felix. Without waiting for a reply, the lilac haired boy shuffled to his duffel bag.   
  
He felt grateful to have Han Jisung, a friend who only wants best for him. Knowing there are people to look out for him did feel pleasant, although Felix knew he did not deserve to have such wonderful people in his life. His exhausted heart only filled with more guilt each time Jisung and the rest showed they care. A waste of their precious time on a piece of trash like him.   
  
“Can’t you just wait?”  
  
“No, I’m tired. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?” he sighed, zipping up his bag. At times like this, clothes felt at least a few kilograms heavier. “There’s no need to worry, you all walk home alone anyway.”  
  
“Yeah but you’re not…” Jisung looked away, mumbling inaudibly. A habit of his. The younger usually found it cute.  
  
“What? I’m not what?”  
  
“Strong.” Minho shrugged, wrapping an arm around Han’s shoulders. “You are pretty weak.”  
  
“As if he can say anything!” Felix huffed, finger pointing at his best friend.  
  
“Yah! Have you seen my muscles? I can beat you up easily!”   
  
“I have muscles, too, idiot. And I’ve done martial arts, so you lose. Now stop distracting me, I want to go to sleep. You guys carry on with practice, yeah? I’m sure Jeonginnie went by himself.” He shrugged, heaving the bag over his shoulder. His muscles begged for a break. Something easy getting used to. “So I can go, too.”  
  
“Chan walked him, you pabo. Just stay here for God’s sake. I mean it! Yah, stop walking!” Minho narrowed his eyes, and Felix dashed out the room. With everyone being too tired to chase him, he did not have to worry about getting a beating. Until Minho gets home, that is.   
  
The walk to their dorm did not take long, as usual. Seems like their company at least thought this part out, thankfully. If only they could be so smart with other things.  
  
Upon entering the apartment he was met with their maknae leaning on the wall. Arms crossed over his chest, face missing the famous bewitching smile of his. Moments like this reminded him that their Jeonginnie won’t be an adorable, innocent boy forever. Somehow, he appeared more mature than Felix. As embarrassing as it was, the elder had to avert his eyes, feeling like a child about to get scolded. How much more pathetic can one become?  
  
“Jisung called me,” said the younger. Yongbok already knew. “Why would you even decide to walk alone, hyung? That was stupid!”   
  
“Jeonginnie, I’m fine. See? I’m here, sound and safe. Why are you even lecturing me? _I_ am the hyung here!”   
  
“Well, you don’t act like it. Hyungs are supposed to be clever.”   
  
Felix blinked. “Are you calling me stupid now?”   
  
“No! Maybe? A little!” the Aussie rolled his eyes, dumping his bag on the floor.   
  
“Whatever. Not like it’s a lie,” he muttered under his breath while he kicked his shoes off. One peaceful day. Is it too much to ask? “Can I go rest now, or are you planning on insulting me more?”  
  
“I wasn’t insulting you, hyung. I was just kidding…” Jeongin furrowed his eyebrows. With sad puppy eyes and a pout forming on his face, the boy locked his gaze on the floor. “I’m sorry.”   
  
“Oh…” Felix felt his heart swell. Of course it was a joke but he had to ruin it, as usual. And now he made his poor brother sad. “No, don’t be! It’s okay.” He ruffled the younger’s brown locks. “I’m just tired and cranky, okay? Hyung’s sorry.”  
  
“No! No, I shouldn’t be saying things like this. It was rude and disrespectful!”   
  
“Come on, I’m not Changbin hyung. I won’t murder you for that.”   
  
Jeongin glanced at him warily, allowing a smile to form on his face seconds later. “You’re right, your weak arms can’t hurt me.”  
  
“Yah!” Yang dodged his punched just in time, breaking into a sprint right after. The giggles accompanying his departure made Felix smile as he followed. “Come here, I’ll show you how weak my arms are!”  
  
“Nah, I don’t want to hurt you~”  
  
“Hurt me? In your dreams, brat.” Felix tackled him on the couch.  
  
Even if both of them knew that Jeongin had purposely let him do so, neither decided to comment on that. Instead, Felix slid off to the side since he did not wish to crush his precious maknae. Tightly, he wrapped his limbs around the younger with a satisfied smile ghosting his lips. Forget the muscle pain, cuddles are more important.   
  
“No, ew, hyung! You’re all sweaty and gross!”   
  
“Now we can be sweaty and gross together.”   
  
“You are disgusting,” said Jeongin. He hadn’t attempted to pry him off even once. “Ew.”  
  
“It’s only the two of us here, it’s okay. You can admit that you like this. I won’t tell!”   
  
“I hate it.”  
  
“Liar. But it’s fine, I know the truth anyway,” said Felix.   
  
“Well then, why don’t you admit that you’re in love with Changbin hyung?” Jeongin craned his neck to glance at the koala.   
  
Felix blinked, mind going fuzzy. Love? He did not love Changbin, not in the romantic way! Maybe he had taking a liking in his hyung, sure. It was all purely infatuation and sexual attraction, nothing more. Saying Lee fancies him felt unfair. He felt similar towards the other members, and does that mean he is in love with all of them at the same time? No. Definitely not.   
  
Out of all the group, Changbin ended up being the first one to kiss him. A simple peck on the cheek deemed to be enough for Seo to win a special place in the freckled boy’s heart. Their trainee and survival show days were hell for Felix. This kiss held more value than people assumed, simply because it brought him comfort and warmth when he needed it. And the pecks that followed after only strengthened the connection he felt towards Changbin. He knew the other felt the same. People often joked that the ‘Changlix’ relationship is purely one-sided, unrequited love. It was surely not love. And if it was, it would not be ‘unrequited’. Had Changbin not liked him, would he still occasionally initiate 'skinship', or give him small kissed here and there? Certainly not. Although he did the very same things with Hyunjin, too…  
  
“It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me. I know the truth, anyway,” said Jeongin. Felix merely nodded, too absorbed in his pathetic reasonings.   
  
Lee Felix loved lying to himself. Making up excuses or absurd scenarios and telling himself this must be the sole truth stayed a part of his everyday routine. Changbin’s infatuation with him ended up being one of those lies. Who is he trying to fool? Seo Changbin does not feel anything romantic towards Felix. Living in a stupid fantasy made up of lies hurt less. If he clings onto it long enough, it might eventually become true, right?  
  
When he managed to sort it all out, clear his mind a little and focus on the present, Felix felt a hand threading through his hair delicately. Jeongin did not question nor pressure him. He never did. That was one of the reasons why the elder felt fond of the boy. At times, it was almost as if Jeongin _understood._ Lix knew he needn’t reply anymore. Although he did not understand any of it himself, his younger brother did. It calmed his soul.   
  
“Wanna watch ‘Boys Over Flowers’ again?”   
  
“Sure,” replied Felix.   
  
It’s okay if Changbin does not love him for he will always have Jeongin by his side. As long as there is somebody who understands, it will be okay.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you got to the end of this chapter, just know I am terribly sorry for the lack of changlix here. The whole plan I have for this fic is more complex than it may seem. It is also going to get sad and pretty dark (but there will be lovely happy moments!). I won't promise an update on a particular date, but it will most probably happen sometime this week. Please don't give up on this story yet. 
> 
> Stay safe and hydrated guys <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No proof-reading or anything, though it is one of the tags so idk if I should still include it in notes. 
> 
> !!This one is lengthy!! but I hope you'll enjoy it <3

  
  
  
That night, Felix ended up in Changbin and Chan’s room. He allowed the leader to work away on his beloved laptop, while making himself comfortable in Changbin’s bed. Naturally, he excused his actions with a simple ‘I’m too cold’ which Chan deemed reasonable.  
  
At this hour, all members should have been home. So where was Changbin? Last time Felix saw him had to be the practice room, where he decided to snuggle with Hyunjin. Practice ended hours ago. Seo had yet to get back.  
  
Felix knew falling asleep in somebody else’s bed would not be a polite and appropriate thing to do. Especially when his motif and goal were to get a nice cuddle, maybe a kiss too. At first, the boy truthfully intended to get warmer (and maybe use the opportunity to cover himself with Changbin’s scent), but after waiting minutes and minutes which turned into hours; he’s had enough. His body had enough. By 12am he could not keep his sparkly onyx eyes open, drifting off to sleep accompanied by the sound of Chan’s steady breathing and quiet mouse clicks.  
  
He slept for a mere half an hour before the outside world forced him to wake. Obnoxious giddy giggles and hushed words approached the room, with each awkward step becoming clearer in Lix’s ears. For a second his stomach clenched tight, struggling to will himself up, his exhausted muscles begging for more rest. But he knew he _had_ to get up. Staying down would be equivalent to handing himself over out of free will.  
  
The door swung open a fraction of a second after he sat up, ready to flee. Upon seeing the two, his strained muscles barely relaxed. Felix’s heart filled with wild fire and numbing cold, beating rhythmically in unison with Chan’s constant click… click… click _._ The newcomers stood aghast, eyes jumping between Chan and Felix. Their questioning looks resulted in the youngest casting his gaze down.  
  
“Oh, hey guys,” said Chan, breaking the minute of thick silence hanging over the room. The leader took his headphones off, flashing a tired smile. “I didn’t hear you come in.”  
  
“It’s fine,” replied Changbin. His head turned towards the eldest, eyes struggling to focus on one spot. “We, uh… we tried to stay quiet.”  
  
“Ah, I see. Well, seems like it’s time to sleep now. Want me to walk you to your room, Hyunjinnie?”  
  
“No, that’s okay. I can go by myself.” Hyunjin forced a smile, shifting his weight onto his left leg.  
  
“Well actually, we were going to sleep here. Like, you know, like a sleepover!”  
  
“Right…?” Chan blinked, scanning the two warily. With a small sigh, he focused on the youngest.  
“Come on then, Lix. I’ll get you to your room. Or you can sleep with me?”  
  
“No!” He cringed at his own voice sounding higher than it should ever get. “No, it’s fine. I’m… I can go by myself. You guys have fun here, and I’ll just, yeah.” Felix mumbled, getting off the bed hastily with his eyes looking everywhere but towards the door. “I’m sorry I slept in your bed, hyung! Won’t happen again, I promise. You and Hyunjin can sleep here every night.”  
  
“Erm…” Changbin scratched the nape of his neck. Hyunjin shifted beside him. “It’s alright? I mean, you can stay here and I’ll just sleep with Chan hyung.”  
  
Felix shook his head frantically. The fire in his heart burnt excruciatingly. In the middle of shuffling to the door his eyes stung delicately. Blinking, he stubbornly kept his eyes on the floor as looking up again would make it harder to breathe. He did not want to see Hyunjin’s dishevelled hair, messily scrunched shirt and those rosy cheeks again. Hyunjin never allows his hair to stay messy, always ensures his clothes won’t crease. Why would he do so now? Felix did not want to think about this, about _them._ He did not want to see Changbin’s scratched bicep, white shirt that he wore inside-out now even though earlier he put it on the right way. If he managed to notice all this during the few seconds he took to look at who stormed inside, what could he have missed? How many more obvious signs had he missed?   
  
“Goodnight, Lixie!” He did not look back, but he knew Hyunjin had that angelic smile on his face. Felix loathed that smile.  
  
He did not bother replying to him, nor the other two. It would not be a good night anyway. Foolish of him to ever think Changbin may like him more than the others. For months, Lix knew the elder saw him as nothing more than a bother. Maybe he despised him just as much as Felix despised Hyunjin now. Maybe Seo despised him more than Lee could ever despise anyone.  
  
“Felix?”  
  
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he muttered, fumbling with their door knob. His hand kept sliding over it.  
  
“You didn’t wake us. We heard some noise earlier,” said Jisung, already approaching to close the door with a soft click. A gentle frown formed on his face, eyes filled with concern. “Lix?”  
  
“I’m fine. Just tired.”  
  
“I thought you were sleeping with Changbin hyung tonight, though? Why’d you come here?”  
  
“Just because.” He shrugged, lightly pushing past Han to get to his bed. Felix pretended he could not feel two pairs of eyes piercing him whole.  
  
“Hyung, are you crying?”  
  
“No.” Felix buried his face in his pillow.  
  
Jisung exchanged a look with Jeongin before they both focused on their friend. Moments like this were painful for everyone. Does he not trust them enough, still? None of the members had any problems sharing their worries and troubles with each other, they deemed it necessary to talk whenever something is wrong. Yet the longer they thought about it, the clearer it became that Felix had never voiced his own thoughts. At first, they all assumed it was simply because their little ball of happiness had no worries. Now, Jisung and Jeongin began doubting everything.  
  
While Felix covered himself whole with his duvet, he attempted to convince himself he felt tired. Not betrayed, devastated or undesirable. What should he care about Changbin and Hyunjin doing… whatever they were doing? This was bound to happen eventually. Hwang Hyunjin, a beautiful prince. Tall, talented and skinny, with precisely the right amount of muscle where needed. His God-worthy features worked their charm on anybody walking by. Felix himself could not help swooning over the gorgeous boy sometimes. He had no rights to get upset or jealous. Naturally, Changbin fell for someone he found attractive.  
  
“Is there anything we can do?” Jeongin questioned, staring at the lump of covers. “Lixie hyung, we can see you’re sad.”  
  
“Yeah. It’s fine if you don’t want to talk, but at least… let us do something.” Han sighed. Seeing their Haengbokkie so blue made his heart heavy. “You know we love you.”  
  
Felix clutched the covers in his tiny fists, sniffling quietly. If anybody were to see him like this, letting his tears fall freely only because someone was nice to him, they would certainly think he is mad. But he could not help it—being torn apart by hundreds of emotions which he could never decipher on his own, and struggling with that burden in his heart all _on his own_ —hearing comforting words as such made it impossible to hide everything any longer.  
  
Jisung, on the other hand, felt his throat constricting. “Felix? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please just don’t cry!”  
  
“C-can you hold me?” he uttered to nobody in particular. It did not matter who would listen.  
  
Jisung crawled over his twin to squeeze himself between the wall and the crying boy. Jeongin rested on the other side of Felix, engulfing him in a tight hug from behind with Han snuggling into the boy’s chest, arms partly on Jeongin too. All their beds were single, thus the trio stuck together as close as possible. That way all of them stayed warm and comfortable. Although none of them smelled as homely as Changbin, and although none of their arms felt as strong as Changbin’s, Felix found himself wishing they would cuddle him for eternity.  
  
Deep down in his heart he knew that had he asked, they would hold him forever.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Breakfast the next morning could easily be labelled as the most uncomfortable experience in Changbin’s life.  
  
Nobody fell oblivious to all those death stares both Hyunjin and Changbin received from Jisung, Jeongin and Minho. While Hwang avoided looking up from his plate and devoured everything in seconds, the other target of the trio did the opposite. Seven people present—six after Hyunjin scurried off with glossy eyes. Where could Felix be?  
  
“Is Felix still asleep?” Changbin asked, earning everybody’s attention. “I mean, he should eat breakfast, no? If he eats right before practice, he’ll feel sick.”  
  
Chan gave a nod, eyebrows drawing in together. “Yeah, he should. Is he asleep? Poor thing barely slept when he stayed at our room.”  
  
“I’ll go wake him,” said Changbin, raising off his seat.  
  
“Oh, but you haven’t finished your food, hyung.”  
  
“I can finish it later.”  
  
“You’ll feel sick if you eat it later,” argued Jisung. The smile plastered on his face irked the elder. “I’ll check up on him. He wasn’t feeling too well.”  
  
“Is he ill?” Their leader gasped. A member catching a cold right before a comeback did not seem good. “Should I call the managers?”  
  
“No, it’s alright. I’ll bring him breakfast.”  
  
“I can do it.”  
  
“But your—”  
  
“I said I will do it. Why don’t you worry about your boyfriend instead? You act like you’re all in love with Felix.”  
  
“And what if I am in love with him?” Jisung snickered, getting off his seat. “I can do whatever I want, Changbin hyung. Why should it bother you? Felix isn’t your boyfriend, either.”  
  
“Am I not allowed to care about my younger brother?” Changbin stood up with his fists clenched. Jisung often did not intend to anger anyone. Now, however, the elder could see the mischievous glint in his eyes. “I’ll bring him his food, you stay with Minho and act like his boyfriend for once.”  
  
“Ah, why are you so bothered, honestly? How about you focus on _your_ boyfriend instead?” Minho raised his eyebrow. Seo almost scoffed. Of course he had to take Jisung’s side.  
  
“Boyfriend? I don’t have one. Can you two stop being so weird?”  
  
Chan cleared his throat. “Guys, chill. How about Jeongin and Seungmin will go see how Felix is doing, and we four resolve the matter?”  
  
“Nothing to resolve, hyung. I’ve said all I had to say.” Jisung shrugged, pulling at Minho’s arm. “You two can talk, though. I’m sure Changbin hyung has a lot to tell you about him and Hyunjin.”  
  
“What?” Chris and Changbin said in unison.  
  
“Are you serious right now? Is that what it’s all about?” Seo scoffed. “I can’t fucking believe this. Is it illegal to practice now?”  
  
“No, but it’s quite a dick move to fuck your admirer’s friend, don’t you think?”  
  
“Listen,” Changbin sighed. “This is just a misunderstanding. I don’t know what Felix told you, but I can assure you he was just being dramatic and colourising things. Besides, you could have told me what the issue is straight away. There was no need making Hyunjin feel anxious.”  
  
“So it’s okay for you to make Lix cry and never apologise, but not okay for us to show our disappointment? You should seriously think about your actions. And your words.” Minho shook his head, taking hold of his boyfriend’s hand. “Even now, you’re protecting Hyunjin by dragging the boy who adores you. That’s so fucking low.”  
  
Changbin froze with his mouth stuttering open. Had he really done that? How could he not think over his own words? This was not the correct wording, another misunderstanding. Though skilled at writing lyrics, Seo often struggled finding the right words in the heat of the moment. Best proof right here, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
On the other hand, what should he care? It is just Felix they are talking about. His bandmate, colleague. An annoying leech that pipes up anywhere he goes, annoying him to the max. Although, Changbin must admit, he did enjoy the little compliments Felix would utter. It always made his freckled cheeks turn scarlet while he would fidget with his adorable tiny hands. He quite enjoyed the idea of somebody liking him, too. Lee clearly saw him as a role model. Changbin had never been appreciated this much before, therefore, it is only natural it flattered him.  
  
“I think that’s enough for today,” said Chan, raising to his full height. “Go get ready now, me and Jeongin will clean up. Someone bring Felix that damn breakfast.”  
  
Changbin was about to pick up the plate filled with only Lix’s favourites. His fingers grazed the ceramic briefly but before he could grasp it, the plate vanished. Turning on his feet, he prepare himself to finally let all his frustration out on Jisung, only for his eyes to widen as he stared at the boy dumbly.  
  
“Thanks, hyung. But I can get it myself,” said Felix, eyes never meeting the elder’s.  
  
“Wait but—” For the first time in his life, Seo Changbin felt the need to chase the younger.  
  
He stood still, watching Felix disappear down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My microsoft word is acting up a lot recently, does anyone have recommendations of other software good for writing? 
> 
> As usual I did try my best with this chapter. I am aware I lack in many areas, but I will improve so bear with me! Don't forget to give kudos if you enjoyed it 🥺
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!TW!! dubious consent, forced consent (but no actual description of sex, if you can call it that), manipulation !!!  
> this pretty much starts after the *** but I wanted to warn you straight away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter so far, over 3k words. At the same time, it was one of the hardest to write and I would like to just remind you that this is NOT based on true facts. I know people who read fanfics are usually aware pf this (especially since it is in the name), yet I don't want this story to change the way you view those people. I am in no way trying to disrespect them, either. If you're uncomfortable, please just don't read it.
> 
> Not beta read so sorry for any mistakes. I hope you won't hate me too much for this one.
> 
> Have a nice day/night <3

  
  
  
Changbin knew Felix wasn’t angry.  
  
Though for a couple days the younger avoided everyone as much as he could, he soon forgot about the whole fiasco. Unlike Minho, Lix never held grudges. The boy never spoke bad of people, never admitted to hating anybody out loud—Stray Kids could bet their angel did not have it in him to hate anyone or anything. Changbin figured the freckled boy understood his fault, the fact that he overreacted for no reason. On top of that, Seo knew he could do anything and the other will forgive him.  
  
So, no, Felix was not angry.  
  
The problem appears to be Jisung and Minho. It has been over a week, yet their eyes still try to murder Changbin and Hyunjin anytime they can. Jeongin dropped the act after two days, since he could not bear seeing their dancer upset.   
  
Perhaps the reason why Hyunjin and Felix got along so well was that they both could not deal well with any type of conflict. Their tactics seemed similar; hide, avoid, pretend. At this stage, Changbin could tell Hwang tried to pretend. He had enough talent to become an actor, sure, but it would never be enough to fool his best friend. Hyunjin tried to act like usual, all the while noticeably taking more breaks irregularly and spending most of his time at home, locked in his room. Others noticed, too.   
  
With their comeback a mere week away, this dynamic could suffice no longer.   
  
Which is exactly why Changbin stayed up in the living room one night. After an hour of waiting with his heart racing wildly, his stomach started clenching with worry. Each passing minute of nothingness made his leg bounce faster as he checked the time over and over again. It is simply not possible for him to be wrong. No way.   
  
Another hour passed. His eyelids started getting heavy and he realised, with great embarrassment, that he had, in fact, been wrong. Seems like Felix might be angry, after all.   
  
Deciding to forget about this little mistake as to not hurt his pride any further, Seo made himself comfortable on the couch, wrapping his arms around himself to keep warm. The whole idea seemed more idiotic the longer he thought about it. Sometimes he could get ahead of himself, too confident for his own good. There it was. Now he had to suffer on that hard couch, shivering.   
  
Until he felt a warm, fluffy material engulfing his body and his nostrils filled with the sweet, addicting smell he loved too much.  
  
Changbin’s eyes snapped open, immediately landing on those skinny legs he dreamt about occasionally. Even without seeing them he could easily guess the person’s identity, not only by their scent. Only Felix could move without being heard at all. How, nobody knew.   
  
“Felix?”   
  
“Shh, it’s not morning yet, hyung.”   
  
“I know.” He sat up, looking up at the shadowed beauty. Changbin thought the way Felix’s eyes sparkled in the moonlight looked pretty. “I’ve been waiting for you.” The flicker of surprise in the boy’s eyes did not go unnoticed by the elder, even if they were drowning in darkness interrupted solely by the faint streams of moonlight. “I mean, we didn’t get a chance to speak in a while and I know you always come here.”  
  
“Oh, I see. So, what did you need, hyung?”  
  
Changbin sighed. “Come here.” He patted the empty space beside himself. The other obeyed without a single complaint. Just like Seo knew he would. “Have you spoken to Hyunjin?”  
  
“Hyunjinnie? Well, not that much. I don’t really see him often,” said Felix, folding his hands in his lap. “Why? Is he sick?”  
  
“No, no. Not exactly. I suppose he’s just… sad.”  
  
“Sad? Why would he be sad?”  
  
“What did you tell Jisung and Jeongin?” the older questioned, throwing Lix off track. Those lost, puppy eyes looked at him for guidance. At times, ignoring his instincts proved to be hard for Changbin. “That night when Hyunjin and I came in late, and you were in my bed. What did you tell them?”   
  
Felix gnawed at his bottom lip, focusing on his clammy hands. Agonising silence filled the room, only interrupted by his erratic heartbeat. Could Changbin hear it, too? “Uh, I…? W-what was I supposed to tell them?”  
  
“You told them I did something with Hyunjin. Didn’t you?”   
  
“I didn’t!” Felix squeezed his own hands tight. He had begged Jisung and Jeongin not to tell anyone. They promised they wouldn’t. Maybe Hyunjin was not the only one willing to betray him.  
  
“You did. Don’t lie to me now,” said Changbin. “Why did you do that? Hyunjin is hurt now.”  
  
Felix whipped his head to look at him again. His nails dug into one of his palms. “Hurt?”  
  
“Well, yeah. Han and Minho hyung are being mean to him because of your rumour, and you know how sensitive he is. That’s why you don’t see him around. He’s upset and afraid.” He leaned back on the couch. “I’m worried, but he won’t let me speak to him. Afraid you’ll spread more rumours.”  
  
“I didn’t—”  
  
“But you did. So now you should apologise and _fix_ it. Our comeback’s next week, do you want to be the reason why we fail everyone?” Felix wondered whether Changbin would speak to him so harshly, had he been Hyunjin instead. “Hyunjinnie is sad, Jisung and Minho hyung are being assholes. Chan hyung is already stressed enough and you made it worse. If this carries on, how are we supposed to do anything? Whatever you told them, tell them it wasn’t true.”   
  
“Okay,” he whispered, rubbing the crescent marks on his palm. “I’m sorry.”   
  
“It’s alright. Hey, why are you sulking? I’m not scolding you.” Changbin ruffled the younger’s fluffy hair. Frankly, he hadn’t said anything bad, according to himself.  
  
Felix stabbed his hand again, mustering a smile. “I’m not sulking, hyung. I will talk to them about this, and I will make sure Hyunjin speaks to you.”   
  
“Perfect.”   
  
“It’s late.” The younger stood up, keeping his eyes down. “I’ll be going now.”  
  
Changbin tilted his head. “Aren’t you going to talk to me?”  
  
“You?” he frowned. “We talked just now, hyung.”   
  
“But that was all about the others. You never even speak to me about anything, these days. Am I wrong for wanting to spend time with my dongsaeng?”   
  
“I just thought all you wanted was to talk about Hyunjin.” Felix tried to ignore the sting he felt in his heart. Nothing could change his mind; all Changbin cares about is Hyunjin.   
  
The younger wanted to hate them both. Hyunjin, for being absolutely gorgeous all the time while still remaining humble. At first, Felix hoped Hwang will be a beautiful person with a terrible personality, just so he could have something to hate on. His interior turned out to be much more beautiful. The only person Lee could hate would be himself, for being an asshole like this.   
  
Changbin never bothered to hide his attraction towards Hyunjin. Felix wanted to hate him for this, despise the older with all his heart. It proved to be impossible. That boy was everything Felix wasn’t, clearly. Considering Lix himself to fight off urges to kiss his ethereal friend, he could not hate Changbin for falling for him. Only a fool wouldn’t. Felix considered himself a fool under many aspects.   
  
“Well, yeah, it was. But since you’re already here, we may as well spend time together,” said Changbin, flashing him a smile. Felix did not have to see it clearly to feel a pleasant warmth in his heart. Smiley Binnie is a good sign, right? “I’m so cold, too. Why don’t you stay here with me?”  
  
“Um, the couch is small…”  
  
“It’s alright, we’ll fit if we snuggle. You’re tiny, anyway.” Lix had no time to respond as the older already took hold of his fragile wrist and pulled him towards the couch. “I know you can’t sleep well alone.”  
  
Felix felt utterly disgusted with himself when his cheeks flushed, heart skipping a beat. A minor, irrelevant thing such as Seo remembering something about him and here he is, acting like a stupid teenager in love. Perhaps that’s exactly what he is.  
  
The older laid back down on the couch, still keeping a tight grip on the thin wrist. He made sure to scoot as far into the backrest as he could which brought no great results. Their couch must be narrower than their beds. Changbin figured they will make it work, considering how clingy the other was. Once Lee Felix latches onto someone, it’s over.  
  
“Are you sure? I mean, I can go get Hyunjin or, uh, someone else?”   
  
Changbin rolled his eyes, forcing the boy to lay down already. Lix flinched slightly, glancing at him with wide eyes. Poor boy, always got surprised so easily. “Just go to sleep already, stop talking so much.”  
  
“I thought you wanted to talk.”  
  
“Don’t be all smart now.” He flicked Felix’s forehead lightly, almost cooing out loud at how adorably he scrunched up his button nose. “Stay close, or you’ll fall off.”  
  
“Then don’t push me off, hyung,” Lee grumbled, already wrapping his limbs around the older.   
  
“No promises here. Now sleep.”   
  
The younger sighed, nuzzling his face in the crook of Changbin’s neck. Much better than using his pillow; now he could actually smell him properly. “Goodnight, Changbinnie.”  
  
“Night, Lixie.” Changbin hummed, covering them with the blanket.  
  
At first, Felix doubted he would fall asleep anytime soon. Being all comfortable and relax seemed to be no help, and he ended up resting with his eyes closed and mind fully aware. He started worrying about not getting any sleep again. Chan hyung would be livid, and so would the other members.   
  
His worried mind did not go far with all those possible, dark scenarios, as he felt gentle fingers carefully threading through his hair. Felix almost sighed relieved. Body filling with joy, he only clung to Changbin tighter, subtly leaning into the elder’s hand.   
  
Felix did not fall for Changbin without a reason.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Conveniently enough, Felix found himself home alone with Hyunjin. By the time he awoke, Changbin was gone as 3RACHA decided to visit the studio and work on new tracks for another albums, even though their comeback hadn’t started yet. A goodbye kiss would have been nice. Nicer than leaving him cold.   
  
Minho took Seungmin and Jeongin to the studio since the youngsters wanted help with their choreographies. They did ask Felix and Hyunjin to join, too. Hyunjin excused himself with his usual ‘I don’t feel well’ which they tended to hear frequently nowadays. Lix chose to stay to ‘look after Jinnie’.   
  
He did not lie fully. Once the doors closed after the trio, Felix got changed and hurried to the kitchen. Whether Hwang actually felt sick or not, the younger felt the urge to take care of him. Cooking his favourite meal with love seemed like a genius idea. Lee felt proud of coming up with that one.   
  
An hour later he lightly tapped Hyunjin’s door with the tray. The liquids nearly spilled over his hands which brought him close to a heart attack. Had they spilled, everything would go crashing down.   
  
“Hyunjinnie? Can you open the door, please?”  
  
“I’m tired!”  
  
“I know. But I made you food, so you can get better soon.” The younger stared at the door, hands clutched tightly around the tray. Will he tell him to leave?   
  
To his delight, Hyunjin appeared seconds later. “Food?”   
  
“Yeah. You said you weren’t well, right? I made you healthy food and some ginseng tea.” Felix smiled timidly. The older hummed, dark, chocolate coloured eyes scanning over the smaller. Their height difference wasn’t enormous, though it certainly did seem so at times. “Hyunjinnie?”  
  
“Right. Thank you,” said Hyunjin, carefully taking the tray from those tiny hands. “Why don’t you, uh, come in?”   
  
Felix’s eyes brightened. “Can I?”  
  
“Sure, why not?” Lee shrugged, walking past him. “Thank you for the food.”  
  
“It’s okay! I just wanted to, you know…” the freckled boy sat on Hwang’s bed, admiring the bare walls with sudden interest. “I guess I wanted to apologise.”   
  
“Oh?” Hwang set the tray down on a bedside table. Without bothering to taste the food, he seated himself right by the other’s side. “Why would you apologise?”  
  
“Why? I made you upset, and I acted rude. I shouldn’t have spread a rumour.”   
  
Hyunjin chuckled. Felix felt butterflies in his stomach. “I’m not angry at you, silly. I was a bit upset, sure. But not anymore.”   
  
“But you were sad before!”   
  
“True. I just thought _you_ hated me.” He shrugged, unbothered.   
  
Astonished, Felix whipped his head to the side to look at him. How could Hyunjin ever think that? Yes, he did try to tell himself he hated the other with all his might. He tried to act like everything about the older was despicable, not plainly beautiful and alluring. Yet, in the end, Felix could only loathe himself for being a horrible human being, wanting to hate his friend for absolutely no reason. No matter how much he desired to despise him, Lix would still pamper him to the best of his abilities. So why, in the world, would he ever think such things?  
  
“I saw the way you looked at me. That night, I mean. Changbin hyung once mentioned you’re excellent at hiding things, pretending. And I laughed at him, you know. Genuinely laughed as if he was the biggest idiot,” said Hyunjin. His lips formed into a small smile, comforting and chilling at the same time. “Why would you hide anything? I thought that was bullshit. What could you hide when you’re so happy and pure? We’ve been friends for so long, I was sure you tell me everything.”   
  
“How is that…?”  
  
Hyunjin’s smile widened. “Related?” His big, pretty hand rested on Felix’s thin thigh. “That night, Yongbokie, I saw the way you looked at me. _Really_ looked at me.”  
  
Confusion ran through the younger’s veins. The hand on his leg felt warm, albeit oddly uncomfortable. “I don’t understand. You know I don’t speak that well yet.”  
  
“I have never had somebody look at me with so much hatred before. Usually, I thought the way you looked at me was all love hearts and stuff. But it seems I was wrong.”   
  
“What?” he gasped. “No! No, it’s not like that!”  
  
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Hyunjin patted his thigh gently. “I get it. You hate me deep inside, no need to hide it now. I suppose I’m just not good enough?”  
  
“Hyunjinnie, no! That is not—I don’t hate you! Why would you think that? I swear I don’t, I was just upset, okay? I love you. You know I do.”  
  
“You do?”  
  
“Of course!”  
  
Hyunjin’s eyes sparkled, hand giving Lix a gentle squeeze on his leg. “You mean it?” he questioned softly, inching closer.   
  
“I wouldn’t lie to you,” said Felix. Their proximity did not bother him too much; they got into each other’s personal spaces on a daily basis. Although, he could hear a tiny voice in his head begging him to leave right now. “I love you.”  
  
“Great.” He grinned, cupping the boy’s freckled cheek delicately. “Because I love you too.”  
  
Felix had no idea how or when or w _hy_ Hyunjin’s lips crashed onto his clumsily. His brain switched off, heart and body freezing. Hwang Hyunjin was kissing him? No. Surely, it must have been a dream. Weird one, but still a dream.  
  
He did not react in any way, lost in his head, trying to come up with any excuses he could. This did not feel real. It couldn’t be real. Felix loves Changbin, and Hyunjin loves Changbin, or somebody else. Certainly not him. Perhaps Hwang’s illness clouded his mind.   
  
“You don’t hate me, right?” Hyunjin questioned, pulling only an inch away. Lee weakly shook his head. His lips tingled along with his cheeks which turned a rosy pink. Oh god, Hwang Hyunjin _kissed_ him properly, not a usual peck the younger got used to. “You love me?”   
  
“Yes…”  
  
“I was so upset earlier. So, so upset, Felix.” He felt the hand rub his thigh, inching higher and higher and— no. No, no, no. “Do you want me to be sad?”  
  
Felix’s breath hitched, hands grasping Hyunjin’s to push it off. To no surprise, his attempt failed. “H-hyung!”   
  
“Do you?”  
  
“No,” he mumbled. Tears pooled at his eyes as the hand firmly gripped his leg. “But please, stop. I don’t feel good.”  
  
“If you don’t hate me, prove it. Otherwise, I will feel even more sad and then I won’t perform well. Our comeback will be a failure. Do you want us to fail?” Hyunjin let go of his leg. Without giving Felix any time to relax, the taller pushed him on the bed. “You love me, so it’s fine. Changbin hyung and I did it, too, and look at us. We’re best friends.”  
  
Felix shut his eyes closed as his chest tightened agonisingly. Bile rose up his throat when the other sat on his legs, pinning him to the mattress. He tried telling himself it’s okay because it’s Hyunjin, and Hyunjin loves him and he’s just playing a bad joke on him. Hyunjin would never hurt him like this, he was too kind and soft to ever do anything to Felix. The hands crawling up Yongbok’s sides said otherwise.  
  
He heard him speak again, yet no words were heard. A quiet sob left his mouth, quickly muffled by Hyunjin’s soft, raspberry lips. Felix did not feel good. He couldn’t breathe.  
  
“It’s okay if you’re a virgin. I’ll be gentle, Lixie. But you need to let me, okay?” Hyunjin cooed, wiping the boy’s tears carefully. “I won’t do anything without your permission.” He had done enough already. “I promise. I just can’t hold myself back any longer, not when you come in here looking all pretty like this. You’re so beautiful, I can’t help it.”   
  
Was that a complement? Under any other circumstances, the younger would be a blushing mess. Although he did feel his cheeks heat up a little, Hwang’s words did not make him feel better. He wanted to crawl under a rock, never to be seen again. Surely, not many people would care. Changbin definitely wouldn’t.   
  
Changbin. But Changbin wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t say things like this and touch him like this, and smile all pretty while he cried. Neither would Hyunjin. This, whoever it was, could not be the person Felix knew. Maybe he wasn’t the only one pretending?   
  
“So you really do hate me, huh? That’s alright. I always knew I deserved to be eliminated instead.”   
  
“No,” Felix whispered as more tears trailed down his temples. He did not want to do this, any of this. But could he afford to hinder their comeback? Ruin his relationship with Hyunjin, causing tension in the group? These always led to disbandment or a member leaving. They debuted a mere year ago; he could not allow it. He would not be able to live, knowing he ruined all of their chances. Knowing they all despise him.  
  
“No?”  
  
“No. I d-don’t hate you.” Perhaps he does now.   
  
Hyunjin’s hand caressed his cheek lovingly. “So you agree? It will make me feel better. You want hyung to get better, don’t you?”  
  
“Yes,” he sniffled. He’d rather have Hyunjin stay sick. “A-anything to make hyung feel better.”  
  
“Adorable,” Hwang cooed, sitting back to admire the younger. It was only natural he cried, most people did during their first time, right? It did not make Lix any less bewitching. In a way, it only fuelled Hyunjin’s desire. “Don’t worry, I promise you will feel even better, too.”  
  
The younger’s body was on fire, trembling under Hyunjin’s touch as he tried to dissociate from reality. He told himself it was just a dream, another one of his nightmares. Minho promised this wouldn’t happen again, he promised Felix will be safe. Swore to protect him.  
  
But Minho wasn’t here and Felix could not fight back. He simply couldn’t, afraid of what would happen to him had he tried. If Hyunjin was capable of doing this, what else could he do? Would he hurt Lix more? The younger did have quite a bit of strength yet out of all the members, he would rank somewhere near the very bottom. Hyunjin, on the other side, would be near the top. Even if he somehow managed to get away, their group would fail and everybody would start hating him. Felix wanted to be loved, appreciated. Not hated.   
  
He supposed he deserved all of it for being a piece of trash. For trying to find anything to hate his friends for. For lying to himself and others. For bothering his members, constantly asking for attention. He had been begging for attention since the very start. Now, having his friend caress and kiss his bare skin, he got what he was asking for. What he deserved.  
  
  
  
  
Felix did not feel any better.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! brief/not-detailed mentions of past assault, mentions of weight loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware last chapter was a surprise to, well, everyone. I want to yet again remind you that this is purely fiction (and yes I know I'm a horrible person). This chapter is very focused on Felix and his internal battles, though I hope it won't bore you too much. Please give it a read before you decide to drop this fic :(   
> If I need to TW anything else, please do let me know, too. I am bad at tags and TWs, I do apologise and I promise it is not on purpose
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter xx

  
  
  
Felix did not want to cry anymore.

He awoke in Hyunjin’s bed, with the elder’s arm securely wrapped around his fragile body. The warm breath on his neck tickled and his back felt too hot yet he stayed still. Hyunjin clearly needed sleep so he did not wish to interrupt.

His heart was tearing apart the longer he lied there, trying to figure it out. Frankly, he only agreed as to not upset the older and avoid ruining their close relationship. Felix knew he could have said no, and he knew Hyunjin probably wouldn’t do anything bad to him, but he would become distant. The members were all Lix had left —l osing any of them would crush him more than letting Hwang use him.

But Hyunjin did not use him.    
  
Saying ‘yes’, Felix prepared himself for that patronising pain, uncomfortableness and humiliation. Not once had he thought this time would be different to all the previous ones, too used to being dehumanised to a simple toy for people to play with. Not once had he thought sex might actually be pleasurable.

Hyunjin was different. He adjusted to the younger, making sure he’s okay, that he still wants to continue. His hands didn’t burn scathingly like Lix had anticipated; he hated the feeling at first, but for unknown, strange reasons, it became… nice. The older stayed gentle all throughout, murmuring sweet nothings in the boy’s ear, kissing him delicately as if afraid Felix would break. Everything about this was different. This time, he barely felt any pain. This time, he found himself almost wishing this could have been his first time — the perfect, sweetest first time everybody dreams of. In a way, it could be counted as his first. This was the first time Felix climaxed.

After they were done, that is when the tears came. Hyunjin left the room and the younger sobbed in the pillow, soaking it with tears of shame. He did not understand why or how did this happen. Why did he feel good? He shouldn’t have. Felix did not deserve to feel good. He did it all for his hyung, did Hwang a favour, so why did the older pay him this much attention?

They do not love each other as lovers do yet Hyunjin treated him so well. Like a princess. The older praised him more than ever before and Felix, sadly, felt his heart melting. Who could resist his charms?

When  — to Lee’s greatest surprise —  Hyunjin came back, he praised him more with that fond, heart-warming smile on his face. The younger did not understand why he ended up being complimented. Hyunjin did all the work, quite literally. Felix felt incredibly perplexed and exhausted after doing nothing, while the other pranced around as if nothing ever happened. He carefully wiped the younger with a damp towel, apologising quietly for hurting the freckled boy in any way. He wiped his tears away, too, pressing a loving kiss to Felix’s forehead before he snuggled close, telling him to rest.

For a long while, Felix could not do anything but think. Physically, he felt fine. Mentally… he did not have a clue. He still wanted to hate the other, despise him with all his heart for all he had done. After looking for a reason to hate Hyunjin, Felix now found one.    
  
On the other hand, he could not find it in himself to blame his hyung. Whether he meant it or not (how would Hyunjin know?), he agreed to this, so he was the only person to blame. Considering how gentle and caring Hyunjin was with him, Lix could not use this to hate him.

Nevertheless, the longer he pondered the sicker he felt. What if Changbin finds out? Would he be angry? What if the others find out? They would think of him as a whore. In fairness, he felt like one. With his high wearing down, the embarrassment ate at him bit by bit. He allowed his fellow member; his colleague; his  _ best friend _ to touch him intimately, to make him feel good. Felix shouldn’t have enjoyed it. He should have hated it, every second of it just like he hated it all before. Hyunjin should have hurt him and used him because that voice kept hissing, snarling ‘That’s what you deserve’ and Felix believed it. Felix believed him back then, and he still does even with him gone. What Hyunjin did felt delightful, wrong. The younger boy could not stop the battle in his head.

Felix felt sick.

  
  
***

The one thing Seungmin did not expect to see upon walking inside his room was two of his friends in one bed, cuddled close. Naked.

He noticed the clothes thrown to the floor carelessly, a blue towel stained with — Seungmin did not even want to think about it. Hyunjin and Felix, together? Surely, it had to be a joke. If it wasn’t for that heavy, weird scent lingering in the air, maybe he would have brushed it off as a misunderstanding. Yet, even without knowing what exactly the smell was, he knew it confirmed his assumptions. Dried streaks of tears on Felix’s face, although alarming, turned out to be another clue.

Hyunjin and Felix had sex in this room.

Without waking the two, Seungmin dashed out of the room in search of someone, anyone. This did not feel right. Felix loves Changbin, and Hyunjin… well, he surely does not love the younger.

“Chan hyung!” Seungmin gasped upon stumbling inside the living room. Chan, Changbin and Jeongin all looked up, startled.

“Are you okay?”

“Am I dreaming?”

Chan blinked. He heard Jeongin snort from beside him. “Uh, no? No, you aren’t. Why? Did you win the lottery?”

“Or maybe you saw a ghost?” Jeongin chuckled, getting up. “I’ll take a shower first.”

“No!” Seungmin grabbed his arm. “Don’t go near there, Christ.”

“Don’t tell me there’s a spider in the bathroom again?”

“No, it’s not the bathroom — my room. It’s my room.”

“What about it?” Chan furrowed his eyebrows. “A spider?”

“No!”

“Well, spit it out already!”

“Hyunjin and Felix had sex!” Changbin choked on his drink, unattractively spitting half of it on his lap. Jeongin ended up back on the couch. Chan stared at Seungmin, face blank. “Changbin hyung, are you alright?”

Changbin nodded, fighting with his coughing fit. Jeongin patted his back absentmindedly.

“Are you sure?” Chan questioned after several minutes. “You know how Lix is.”

“Hyung, they’re sleeping  _ naked  _ and you just… you just know when you step inside.”

“I’m sure it’s not like that,” he said calmly, rising off his seat. “They probably took a shower together.”

“Wouldn’t they get dressed, then?” Jeongin raised his eyebrow. 

“Exactly my point. They were hiding their relationship from us!”

Chan shook his head. “I’ll go talk to them. It’s probably a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, it probably is. Felix is whipped for Changbin.”

“Clearly, he prefers Hyunjin,” Changbin seethed, crossing his arms over his chest. The maknae scooted away. “Not like I care.”

“Right,” Chan sighed. “You can go to our room for now, as long as you won’t touch my laptop.”

Seungmin nodded, turning to leave. Taking only one step, he ended up almost colliding with a toned, bare chest.

“Woah, careful,” Hyunjin chuckled. All four pairs of eyes landed on him, piercing through his soul. Chan sat back down. “Were you talking behind my back?” he joked, shuffling to rest beside their leader.

Hyunjin knew he had a great body, though he barely walked around half naked. Now, however, he sprawled himself confidently, wearing only a pair of grey sweatpants. His hair messier than he would usually allow, eyes twinkling proudly, with anticipation. Changbin felt his stomach churn.

“Where’s Felix?”

“Sleeping.”

“So early?” Chan pressed.

“Mhm.” Hyunjin gave a nod. “Wanna know why?” he inched closer excitedly, like a child bursting to spill a secret. Chan gave a mere nod. “We had sex. Poor baby, he’s too exhausted now.” Hyunjin leaned back in his seat with a handsome, satisfied smirk plastered on his face.

Changbin wanted to punch his perfect face, and Jeongin seemed to know judging from how quickly he scurried to stand beside Seungmin. Chan pursed his lips, closing his eyes for a few seconds. They cannot date nor do such things. Minho and Jisung caused enough trouble. If anybody finds out, they’re all going to get in too much trouble. Bang wanted to avoid it as best as he possibly could.   
  
“What? Why are you all looking so grim?” Hwang furrowed his eyebrows.    
  
“We just… didn’t expect  _ that. _ I mean, Felix doesn’t seem like the type to do these things,” said Jeongin, glancing at Changbin with wary eyes.    
  
“Did he want to?” Seungmin asked quietly, catching everybody’s attention. Hyunjin’s in particular. “I mean, it looks like he cried! That’s all.”   
  
Hyunjin tilted his head. His face held no signs of the previous smile. “Are you serious right now?”    
  
“I just want to make sure!”   
  
“What, you think I hurt him? Forced myself on him?” he scoffed.    
  
“No, I don’t think that’s what he was trying to say, Hyunjinnie,” said Chan, placing a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Don’t get so worked up. We’re shocked, that’s all. I mean, why — how?”    
  
“He came to my room and it just happened. I mean, have you seen him? He’s so fucking pretty.”    
  
Chan hummed. “You’re not together?”   
  
“Together? Oh, please. I’m not even gay,” Hyunjin chuckled. Changbin slammed his glass down on the coffee table, hard enough to make everyone flinch. “You okay?”   
  
Changbin muttered incoherently under his breath, storming past the two youngest members to exit the room. Seconds later, they heard their front door slam shut with enough force to lightly shake the walls. Chris winced, praying it did not disturb any of their neighbours, though he silently thanked Seo for leaving. Fights amongst the kids did not sound good at all.   
  
“What’s his problem? Felix isn’t his boyfriend.”    
  
“Hyung, but you know they like each other,” said Jeongin, taking a seat on the couch again. “At this point, they may as well be dating unofficially.”    
  
“Well, Yongbokie had nothing against doing it with me. It is Changbin’s fault, anyway. He could’ve claimed him a while ago.”   
  
Chan smacked his shoulder. “Claimed? Felix isn’t something to claim. You know he’s been down a lot lately. What if this will only make it worse? Have you thought about that? We need him to be at his best, especially now. Don’t do anything to upset him.”   
  
“Oh, come on!” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “Upset him? He enjoyed it, I’m pretty sure I lifted his mood more than any of you could have. He’ll do just fine, don’t worry; our comeback won’t be affected.”    
  
“Does he know it was just sex and nothing more?”    
  
“Yes, he knows. Can you stop being like this now? Don’t act like you guys never have sex.”   
  
“I’m a virgin, and look, I’m fine.” Seungmin shrugged, going towards the kitchen. “Anybody want food?”   
  
“Make something for Felix, please.” Hyunjin smiled. Chan leaned back in his seat, face troubled though he did not question further. No matter how bad he wanted to pry, this was none of his business. As long as it won’t affect their job, he cannot do anything.    
  
Jeongin turned the TV on to fill the awkward silence floating over the room. He will definitely need to talk to Jisung and Minho about this. It felt odd. Only a few days ago, Felix sobbed all night long because of Hyunjin, and now they had sex? It seemed strange, albeit not unlikely. Every member was purely beautiful, and they were just young adults with their hormones raging wildly. On top of that, something about Felix made him seem much more attractive than others. Perhaps it was the contrast between his deep voice and sweet, angelic face. Or, how tiny the Aussie appeared, even more so when he started losing weight again.    
  
It felt sinful, sick and sordid, but Jeongin sometimes did find himself fantasizing about Lee Felix. The boy’s heart filled with relief since clearly, Hyunjin did so, too.   
  
“Was it good?” Yang asked quietly. Chan’s eyes widened slightly. Hyunjin smiled.   
  
“Good? It was fucking wonderful. He’s just beautiful everywhere. And he blushes a lot and whines all pretty, it’s so adorable.”   
  
“Why did Seungmin say it looks like he cried?” Chan raised his eyebrow.    
  
Hyunjin shrugged. “First time hurts a bit, apparently. Don’t worry, he should be alright with dancing.” he patted the leader’s shoulder. “By the way, is he dieting again? He’s nearly all skin and bones. Swear I got scared I’ll break him at one point.”   
  
The eldest sighed and rubbed his face. “He’s not supposed to be losing weight, not now. That’s what I meant earlier. He’s been so upset lately, he barely eats anymore.”    
  
“Maybe the managers told him to?”   
  
“No, I’m sure they haven’t. They would’ve told me about it first,” said Chan, staring at the TV blankly. “I suppose he feels homesick.”   
  
“It’s been like, nearly two years already. I’m sure he got used to it now,” said Jeongin.    
  
Chan shook his head, glancing at the younger. “You never really get used to it fully. I may not sulk all day anymore, but that longing is always there, you know. With Felix, it must be even stronger. Especially since he’s not that confident with Korean.” He frowned, standing up. “I think I should go talk to him now.”   
  
“He’s sleeping,” Hyunjin chimed.    
  
“Oh, please. Changbin definitely woke him up, along with half of the neighbourhood,” the eldest grumbled, striding out of the living room.    
  
Entering the room, Chan’s eyes immediately landed on Felix. The boy sat with his back resting against the bed, knees pulled close to his chest. His face nowhere to be seen, tucked between his knees only left a lilac cloud of fluff on display. Bang pretended he did not notice that dirty towel, nor the suffocating stench of sweat mixed with semen. _Why did nobody open that damn window?_ _   
_   
“Felix?” he did not flinch, surprisingly. Lix must have heard his footsteps. “You okay there?” Chan asked in English, crouching before the younger.    
  
“Yeah. I’m fine,” said Felix, slowly raising his head. Though his eyes appeared reddish, nothing else suggested he wasn’t okay. “Just thinking.”    
  
“Thinking? Wanna talk about it?”   
  
“About what?”   
  
“What you’re thinking about, doofus.” he smiled, deciding to sit beside his Felix. The younger rested his cheek on one knee with his head turned to look at his hyung. “It’s about Hyunjin, right?”   
  
“Why would it be?” Lix chuckled nervously.    
  
“He told us, okay? I know you two got a bit… uh, close. I wanted to see how you’re doing.”   
  
How is he doing? His head is a mess, his stomach keeps twisting and now he found out Hyunjin  _ told  _ them! Felix could feel his cheeks burning with shame, eyes watering. Chan probably thinks so bad of him now. And the rest, too. Maybe they are using this time to discuss how disgusting he is?

Chan ruffled his soft hair. It calmed his heart a little. “It’s alright, I’m not mad. Things happen, yeah? As long as you don’t regret it and keep it secret, it’s fine.” Lee closed his eyes.  _ Is it really fine?  _ “So, wanna talk about it? Your first time, eh? Big thing.”    
  
“Did he tell Minho hyung?”    
  
“Oh... well, he’s not home yet. You can talk to me instead, though. I promise I’ll try not to make it awkward,” said Chan with a warm smile. Felix loved this Chris.    
  
Yongbok sighed, sitting upright. He shook his head. “No, I’ll wait for Minho hyung.” No matter how hard Bang tried to hide it, Lix noticed the hurt flashing through his alluring jet black eyes. Another thing to hate himself for. “Thank you, though.”   
  
“Yeah, no problem. I get it. But if you ever want to, you know I’m always here.”   
  
“Yeah.”    
  
Chris rubbed the side of his own neck. “Will you at least tell me why you cried? It’s not like… he didn’t hurt you, right? He didn’t, you know, do something that made you uncomfortable.”   
  
“No. Don’t worry,” he muttered, casting his eyes down to his bare legs. Did Hyunjin hurt him? Did he make him uncomfortable? Felix wished to know.    
  
He did not feel hurt because of Hyunjin. Well, maybe a little. Or maybe a lot. Can he feel hurt if he enjoyed it? Could it be possible to enjoy something that hurts? Did he feel uncomfortable because of Hyunjin’s doings, or because of himself and that tormenting voice? Could he have felt uncomfortable by something he found pleasurable?    
  
“Well, that’s good. That’s good. I guess, if you don’t want to talk, I should go now.” Chan patted the other’s shoulder before he stood up. “Call me if you need anything.”   
  
Lix nodded, eyes following his leader to the door. “Hyung?”   
  
“Yes?” he halted his steps, craning his neck towards the boy.    
  
“You… do you all hate me now?”    
  
Chan’s face seemed to soften, eyes filling with something Felix could not read. The elder’s chest tightened as he examined their angel. Maybe the younger seriously was a great actor. After all, he had him fooled. Fine? Hugging his knees again with fearful, shaking eyes that seemed more glossy than natural, Felix seemed anything but fine.   
  
Strange how quickly all of that disappeared when the younger caught his leader watching.   
  
“No,” Chris forced a smile. “We could never hate you, Lix.”    
  
With that he left, heart growing heavy with guilt as he stood beside the closed door. Even without staying to hear it, Chan felt certain that walking out of that room, he left his beloved dongsaeng to drown in sorrow. Chan did not know what happened, neither did he understand why Lix chose to hide it. He only needed to wait a couple of seconds before his assumptions were confirmed.   
  
Taking a deep breath, he walked away, defeated.    
  
And Felix wished he could stop crying.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May I add, I am in no way trying to justify what the character of Hyunjin did. Consent should always be granted willingly with no pressure forced onto the person- just because the character of Felix feels the way he feels (not putting blame onto H), does not mean it is okay to do this, ever. Please remember this.   
> Also, I apologise if I did deeply upset/trigger anyone. This was not my intention at all. 
> 
> Please stay safe and have a good holiday <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact:  
> the original title for this was 'Sunshine' which is why the minor sentence 'Sunshine.' opens the story. Right before I published the fic I figured it did not fit, so it became 'Desolation of the sun' with the sun being Felix (don't you all love metaphors, I certainly do). If you're observant enough, you'd realise that the title foreshadowed all the angst ;)) 
> 
> I feel like this chapter isn't that good omg I'm so sorry, I tried my best (Which is why it took me days to write it grr). 
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy it! Have a lovely day/night <3

  
  
  
Waiting for Minho would have been pointless, Felix concluded. After he dragged himself back to his room he found unread messages from the elder; cute couple selfies of him and Jisung, along with secretly stolen pictures of unaware Jisung. Minho adored the boy too much for his own good. By now, his whole camera roll must be full of Han and Minsung.    
  
Felix felt himself smile weakly as he replied with some emojis. At least they are doing well, enjoying themselves. He should have figured they would go on a date, considering their leisure time is going to drastically reduce in a few days. Minho will want to spend as much time as he could with his boyfriend now, and Lix decided not to bother him. His best friend deserves happiness and rest. Getting him involved in all this mess would only make Felix feel more guilty, more terrible. Truthfully, he desperately wanted to tell him, to get advice and guidance again, to make sure he is not as revolting as he feels because only Minho could do this. Only Minho may be able to help him.   
  
But Minho has a boyfriend, and a life of his own.    
  
There was always Chan, Jeongin, Seungmin or Changbin. He could talk to them. Perhaps he  _ should  _ talk to them, make them feel included and trustworthy. Chan would end up losing more sleep, overthinking about it all, and possibly blame himself, too. Felix did not ever think to blame anybody apart from himself, though he observed the others enough to know they would feel responsible. Just like Minho, Chan would feel guilty for no reason, as would Seungmin. On top of that, he preferred not to risk disappointing Seungmin for not telling him earlier. Jeongin would most probably cry and then murder someone in revenge. Lee wanted to avoid all of this.    
  
How could he ever talk to Changbin about it? Although he knew the elder would listen, Lix also knew it would result in him losing the tiny chance he had to ever get with him. If only Seo knew the truth, he would have never thought of kissing Felix or sparing him another glance. Felix trusted Changbin and the rest, he truly did. That was exactly why he could not tell them. Ever.    
  
Heaving a sigh, Felix threw his phone aside on the bed. He buried himself under the covers, hugging one of his plushies that slept with him. Thinking hurt his head yet his mind did not wish to stop anytime soon. The boy could still feel this uncomfortable pain with every move. It wasn’t as bad as he expected it to be, but he still felt it. It made him feel both sad and happy and he wished, for the love of God, that his mind would stop being indecisive with everything. His body felt heavy. Felix wanted nothing more than clearing his head to get some more rest. A short nap could not suffice. He needed to sleep, properly, for many, many hours. At this point he could bear sleeping alone, as long as it means he will feel better when he wakes up.    
  
Though he knew nothing will change for the better once he awakes, Felix still dozed off after long hours of relentless fighting with his thoughts.    
  
  
***   
  
  
Minho was the one to wake him up.   
  
It must have been late already, judging by the dark sky outside the window. Though considering it was mid-November, it may as well have been 8pm. Either way, at least Felix finally got a few hours of sleep without waking up by his nightmares—which does not mean he did not have any. They always come back whenever they can. He got used to it.   
  
“Sorry I woke you,” said Minho. He wore that warm, endearing smile that usually made Felix's heart flutter. “They told me you haven’t eaten so I brought you food.”   
  
Felix almost cried right there. Minho was here. Minho was here and he will protect him now. He will listen and help, like he always does. The freckled boy felt immensely grateful for having a Lee Minho in his life.    
  
“You okay, Lix?” Felix didn’t reply. Instead, the boy threw himself onto the older. “Woah! Is someone dying?”   
  
“H-hyung,” he sniffled, clutching his shirt tightly. Minho furrowed his eyebrows, patting the boy’s back.   
  
“What happened? Why are you crying?”    
  
Nobody told him yet. Minho had probably gotten back from his date not too long ago, visibly still in a good mood. Would it not be selfish if he ruined it all now? Maybe Felix should shut the fuck up for once. For his own good.    
  
“Felix? Did something happen?”    
  
The younger hid his face in Minho’s chest. He took a deep breath, hoping his voice won’t crack too much. “No, I just… just missed you!”    
  
“Oh? Aw, I’ve missed you, too,” Minho cooed, moving his hand to ruffle Lix’s silky lilac locks. “Gosh, you’re so adorable. I’m sorry I left for so long. I promise we’ll take you with us next time.” he patted the boy’s head. “No need to cry, yeah?”   
  
“Yeah, sorry.” Felix pulled away slowly to wipe his face. Pathetic. Utterly mortifying. “I don’t want to ruin your dates.”   
  
“Ruin? Oh come on, we’re pretty much in a poly relationship at this point. Your presence won’t change much,” Minho chuckled. Lix managed a small smile. “You should eat now, or it’ll get cold.”    
  
Felix nodded, glancing at the small drawer near his bed. A tray with two steaming bowls, some smaller plates and a cup of tea were waiting for him. The same tray he used to bring Hyunjin his food. He felt bile rise up his throat.    
  
“I didn’t really have time to do much, so I hope ramen’s fine. I mean, who doesn’t love ramen?”    
  
“Thank you for the food,” he choked out. No, Felix did not want to eat. “But I don’t feel too well…”   
  
“Because you didn’t eat, dummy. It’s normal you’re unwell if you just starve. Why haven’t you eaten?”   
  
“Because I don’t feel well! I wasn’t feeling good so I didn’t eat, okay? Please, just eat it with Jisungie.”   
  
Minho sighed, shaking his head. “I made it for you.” he brought the back of his hand up to touch Felix’s forehead. “You’re not sick, are you?”   
  
“Well, I feel sick.” Severely sick. Deranged.    
  
“I see,” said the older. “Should I bring you some meds?”   
  
“No, it’s fine. I’ll just get more sleep, okay?” Felix did not wait for a response as he laid back down. Turning to face the wall, he felt bad for his rudeness, but if he were to let Minho stay any longer, he would end up telling him everything.    
  
“Oh, okay? You don’t want me to sleep with you?”   
  
_ Quite a stupid question _ , Felix thought. Of course he wants him to. “No.”   
  
“Right, okay. I’ll just go then? If you need anything, though, you can come to me.” The younger did not need to turn around to know how lost his friend looked. Lix never wastes a chance to sleep with someone.    
  
“Go sleep with Jisungie, I’ll be fine.” Will he ever be fine? It seemed unlikely. The older did not need to know, though. Not now. He should worry about his boyfriend, Felix wasn’t that important.    
  
“Alright. Sweet dreams, Lix.” He felt Minho pat his head gently before his weight lifted off the bed. “We’ll be in my room.”   
  
“Night, Minho hyung.”   
  
Shaking his head, the older left the room only to let out a surprised yelp once he noticed Changbin standing centimetres away. “Gosh, you scared me! What are you doing, creeping by people’s doors?!”   
  
“I came to talk to him,” said Changbin, pushing past Minho.   
  
“Hey! He’s going to sleep now, you can talk later. He’s not well.”   
  
Changbin scoffed. “Oh, he’s well enough, alright. I’m sure Hyunjin didn’t tire him out that much.”   
  
“What?”    
  
“Just go, hyung.” Changbin grumbled, stepping inside the room and closing the door right after himself. Before Minho could grab the door knob, he heard a soft click. _ Why would he lock the door? _   
  
Maybe they were going to cuddle again. Minho chose not to ponder about it too long, making his way towards Chan’s room. Felix might think he is smooth in lying, but the older can see right through him; something happened and Minho had to find out what it was.    
  
  
  
Felix sighed upon hearing the door close again. Considering he heard some commotion outside, he figured Jeongin came back to go to sleep. As much as Lix wished to be left alone, he could not forbid his roommates from using their room.    
  
Jeongin had always been a nice kid. He knew when it is best to ask, talk and he knew when it is best to stay silent, let things take their own course. Let Felix wallow in misery. Thus, a lack of any greeting did not come as a surprise to the Aussie. What confused him was how the steps did not match Jeongin’s. Yang usually ambled, as if he never had to rush and preferred to savour the moment. These stumping steps matched neither to Jeongin, nor even Jisung. In fact, none of his members marched aggressively like this.    
  
Before he got a chance to turn around by himself, somebody did it for him. A hand tightly grasped his shoulder, pulling forcefully to make him lay on his back, which he found unnecessary. Manhandling his weak body did not require much force.   
  
“Changbin hyung?!”    
  
“What, expected someone else?” scoffed the older. His hand stayed on Lix’s arm, tightening still. “Disappointed I’m not Hyunjin?”   
  
“Hyung,” Felix gasped, a wince twisting his face. Changbin looked livid, furious, and he did not want to make it worse by asking him to let go. “It’s not like that!”    
  
Changbin rolled his dark, wild eyes. The pressure on Lee’s arm disappeared and he immediately sat up, rubbing the spot gently. Hyunjin told him. Of course he did, they were best friends after all. He would have found out quickly, anyway. All members talked to each other about everything. Felix felt stupid for hoping that somehow, out of all people, Seo would not be informed. Perhaps he was the first person Hyunjin went to?   
  
“I’m sorry, Changbinnie.” He had no idea why he felt sorry. Truthfully, shouldn’t Hyunjin be the only one to blame?  _ But you agreed. _ “But it’s not like—”   
  
“Like what? It’s not like you fucked him?!”    
  
The younger let his hand drop from his arm, head hanging low as if bowing respectfully. Would a bow fix all this mess?   
  
“How could you even do that?! After all the things I’ve done for you? After you told me  _ I  _ am the one you  _ like _ ?!” Changbin gripped the boy’s chin, harsher than intended. Seeing another wince on Felix’s angelic face and the tears pooling at his eyes, Seo felt his heart sting. His infuriated expression faltered for a split of a second.  _ No. You won’t fool me again.  _ “If you don’t like me anymore, just fucking say it! No need to go whoring around with my best friend!”   
  
Felix stared at the older bewildered and hurt. Each word mauled the poor boy’s heart as tears of woe trickled down his freckled cheeks. “Why are you like this?”    
  
Changbin had never felt the urge to hit the younger. Not until that point. “Are you fucking serious right now?”   
  
“It’s s-so unfair!” Felix smacked Seo’s hand off. Shockingly, it left his chin without putting much of a fight.   
  
“Unfair? You think this is unfair? How?!  _ You  _ are the one who had sex with him!”   
  
“You did it, too!”    
  
“Don’t start with that stupid rumour again, fucking grow up!”    
  
Lix pulled his knees close to his chest as a sob shook his body. “H-he told me! Stop lying, just stop lying to me!”    
  
Changbin blinked, staring at the boy aghast. “What are you talking about now?” The boy did not reply and instead, hid his face between his knees. “Did you hit your head?”   
  
“Why don’t you grow up now?” Lix sniffled. His voice cracked in the middle of the sentence. Hopefully his knees muffled it well. “Grow up and stop lying to me.”   
  
“Lying about what? I never lied to you!”    
  
“ **You had sex with him! You stupid hypocrite, stop playing dumb!** ” He hadn’t meant to switch to English. Using Korean during arguments proved to be too difficult, his brain unable to find the right words.    
  
Changbin did not understand it all. At times like this, embarrassment crawled up his skin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Yongbok-ah.”    
  
Felix shook his head. “Leave,” he whispered with a snivel. “Please, leave.”   
  
“No. We’re going to talk, like adults.” Changbin took a seat beside the boy. He still wanted to rip Hyunjin apart and hurt Felix as much as the boy hurt him. However, deep inside he knew it would kill him to actually cause him any harm—any more harm than he already caused, that is. The boy’s words made no sense and he wanted to figure out why. “What do you mean? He told you, what? You’re making no sense.”    
  
“I don’t want to talk to you. You’re mean and scary,” Felix whimpered. Changbin ignored how his throat constricted. Scary?    
  
“Lee Yongbok, you better tell me right now. Do you want me to get angry?” Lix shook his head quickly. Seo was already angry. He preferred not to make it worse. “Then tell me what you are talking about.”   
  
The boy swallowed the lump in his throat, possibly mixed with some snot, too. Felix hated crying like a weak, powerless child. “H-Hyunjinnie said that you and him had sex so… so I should do it, too, to make him believe me…”   
  
Changbin clenched his jaw, fists clutching the duvet tightly. How could he? Hyunjin was his best friend, someone the older put all his trust in. Never in his life has Changbin touched him in _that_ way, neither has he even thought of doing so. How could he do this? Hwang knew how much Felix meant to him. He knew about it from the very beginning, and still decided it would be a good idea to do this? To lie to the boy, to put Seo in bad light and sleep with the boy his best friend had been pining over? How fucking dare he?    
  
Hyunjin didn’t like men, at all. His eyes always stayed on females only. Why, in that case, did he do this? With Felix, out of all people?    
  
“Make him believe in what?” he seethed, his gaze burning holes in the younger’s body.    
  
“He thought I hate him so I had to show him I don’t,” said Felix. Changbin figured the boy genuinely did feel afraid, sitting with all his muscles tensed, cuddling himself as his voice barely stayed above a whisper. Something told him to wrap his arms around the younger and hold him tight, as tight as he could. He quickly ignored that thought. “And he said it’ll make him feel better, and it’s okay because you two did this, too.”    
  
Seo decided he’s had enough. Whatever else Lix may have to say won’t matter. He didn’t want to get hurt even more.   
  
Without a word, Changbin sprang up off the bed, striding towards the door. Felix hesitantly raised his head, bewildered. Is that their talk finished?  _ Does he really think it’s okay to leave without apologising? _   
  
“Hyung? W-what are you doing?” Changbin swung the door open, letting it hit the wall with a loud thud. Felix flinched, sitting upright. “Hyung—”   
  
“I’m going to kill that fucking bastard.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! mentions of rape, violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Hopefully this one will be better than the previous 
> 
> This chapter is lengthy but well here it is, hope you'll enjoy it <3
> 
> (ofc I didn't proof-read so sorry for any mistakes grrr)

  
  


Before Minho could flip at Chan for trying to avoid his questions, his heart sank when he heard screams outside the door. Usually, he would ignore it and carry on with his life. The rest loved to play around and they never tried to keep it down. This time, however, he found himself rushing out of Chan’s room with the elder right behind him; Felix was shouting, it did not sound good. It did not sound happy, playful. The very opposite.   
  
Minho would never forgive himself if he allowed the younger to get hurt again.    
  
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
  
By the time Felix processed the situation and chased after Changbin, the older managed to stride halfway through the hallway. He couldn’t catch up in time.   
  
“Hyung! Hyung, s-stop!” Felix could feel tears prickling at his eyes, breath quickening and throat constricting when he noticed Seo opening the door to Hyunjin’s room. “Please, Changbin hyung!” He sprinted, ignoring how his body screamed for him to stop, how dizzy he felt and how he nearly slammed into the door frame.    
  
“Oh, Changbin hyung!” Jisung perked up once he caught him going straight towards Hyunjin who seemed to be stretching.   
  
“Hyung? What’s all the—” Hyunjin never got time to finish his sentence.   
  
The second the black haired boy turned to look at Changbin, his best friend’s fist forcefully crashed into his jaw. Felix shrieked, choking on his tears as he noticed Hyunjin’s head turned from the impact with a low grunt, stumbling a step or two. He opened his mouth, wincing at the pain with tears glossing his eyes yet he only voiced a groan when Changbin harshly pushed him to the floor. Felix tried to help, tried to run, but a pair of strong arms held him back.   
  
He hadn’t bothered checking who held him. All his dizzy mind could focus on was stopping the fight, stopping what he  _ himself  _ started. His fault. Lee Felix always caused pain.   
  
“No, no, l-let me go! We need to s-stop it!” the boy cried, wriggling vigorously. Seeing Changbin crouch right beside Hyunjin, grabbing him by the collar as if they were enemies, made it harder to breathe.    
  
They were talking—Changbin talked, Hyunjin listened with his bottom lip quivering, eyes blown out wide in fear and a red mark on his beautiful, flawless face. It seemed as though they both calmed down.    
  
Until, this time, Hwang aimed a punch at Changbin’s nose and things escalated again.    
  
Felix screamed louder than he knew he could, hiccupping and sobbing, trembling in someone’s arms. Without them, he would’ve been on the floor.    
  
Seungmin and Jeongin got there first, attempting to break it up—blood trickled from Changbin’s nose, some from Hyunjin’s busted lip—but they gave up once Seungmin earned a blind slap. Although Lix could not exactly hear anything other than his cries, he knew the person holding him kept whispering comforting words in his ear. He didn’t need comfort. He needed to apologise and leave.    
  
Minho and Chan came not long after, immediately jumping at the two. Though it visibly took a great deal of effort, they managed to split the two. Hyunjin stayed calm in Minho’s hold, head hung low as he wiped at his face hastily. Was he wiping his tears? Felix wished he could take his place.    
  
Changbin kept struggling for a minute, though he ceased his movements once Chan yelled at him, using more expletives than any of them could ever think of. Unlike his opponent, Seo seemed fine. His face will certainly turn various shades of blue and purple, and Felix knew it must hurt excruciatingly. Changbin did not show any kind of emotion, other than pure fury.    
  
“What the fuck were you two thinking?!” Chan shoved Changbin on the bed. Minho did the same with Hyunjin, setting him on the opposite one. “Are you serious? You had to fight  _ now _ ?!”   
  
“It couldn’t wait,” said Changbin. Seungmin and Jeongin walked in, carrying packs of frozen food and tissues. When did they leave? Felix could swear they stood by him just a second ago. “By the way, sorry, Seungmin.”   
  
“It’s alright. I’m not the one you should apologise to.” He shrugged, throwing Seo frozen shrimps. “Ice it. Maybe the bruises won’t be that bad.”   
  
“I don’t think it’ll help much,” sighed Minho. He shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “What even happened? Why… I mean, aren’t you like, best friends? Did you take drugs?”   
  
“It’s probably Felix,” said Jeongin, sitting beside Hyunjin to clean up his face. A good kid, he was. “Right?”   
  
Changbin gave a nod. Felix felt the arms around him loosen up a bit. Earlier, he did not pay it any attention but now he winced slightly. God, Han must have struggled to actually keep him in place, considering how tight he held him.    
  
“Felix? What do you mean?”   
  
Jeongin glanced at Jisung. “You know, about the—”   
  
“Nothing,” Chan cut him off. Lix sniffled, leaning on Jisung. He could not trust his legs. Not now. Not when Minho is here and he might find out, with Hyunjin still in the room and already hurt. This could not end well, ever. “It’s nothing.”   
  
“How is it nothing? They had a fist fight!” Jisung scoffed, giving Felix’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “And look at him. Clearly something is wrong here.”   
  
Chan heaved a sigh, face troubled. Felix did not know why he tried covering for him, but he appreciated it. Chan had always been a good leader.   
  
“Hyunjin fucked Felix,” Changbin grumbled, wiping the blood off his face.    
  
The air thickened around them. It felt suffocating, menacing as it wrapped around Felix. He could hear his racing heartbeat, throat drying up. Next came the ringing, constant, high-pitched, turning his mind into one big mess. He saw someone move swiftly, frantically. Another swing was taken at another black figure, but Felix had no idea who moved where. Black dots covered his vision no matter how much he blinked. He thought he felt a hand tighten around his arm, though he couldn’t be sure.   
  
Everything turned black.   
  
  
  
  
***   


  
  
  
Seconds. All it took was mere seconds for the situation to worsen significantly.   
  
Upon hearing what Changbin had said, Minho’s sunken heart drowned completely. A lie, a misunderstanding. Surely, that’s all it is? Hyunjin avoided Minho’s gaze. No word of denial left his mouth, no explanation. What would he say, anyway? ‘I fucked the boy you’re extremely protective of’? That would be a good one, considering Minho was well aware Felix would _never_ consent to anything like this. ‘Hyunjin fucked Felix’. Perhaps ‘raped’ would be a better fit.    
  
Though the rattling in his brain felt like hours, it ended up only being seconds. Minho strode towards Hyunjin who looked up slightly perplexed. For the nth time that day, he did not get a chance to speak, as another punch landed on his battered face.    
  
Minho heard all the screaming and shouting, Chan dragging him outside almost painfully. He didn’t care. Hyunjin deserved much more than that. Maybe the rest would think he overreacted, as they tend to do, but if they only knew the truth they would have known Hwang must be a revolting monster. Felix couldn’t have agreed. No way. Not with how he cried, throwing himself onto Minho earlier.   
  
‘I just missed you’. Minho burst into sobs once outside the room, clutching onto Chan’s arm. Why hadn’t he told him? Why would he hide it? Why did Felix always have to pretend everything is fine, cover up his agony with sweet lies?    
  
“It’s alright.” He heard the older sigh as he patted his back. “You shouldn’t have punched him, but it’s fine. Don’t feel so guilty now. I’m sure Changbin has caused more damage.” Whatever the amount of damage would be, Minho thought it wasn’t enough. “They’re both of age now, you know? I know you and Felix are… very close, but you have to trust him sometimes.”    
  
Minho shook his head. “I trust him,” he said, stepping away to wipe his face. “I don’t trust Hyunjin.”   
  
“Minho, they know what they’re doing.”   
  
“No. You don’t know what I do. You don’t know, you’ve got  _ no  _ idea! Whatever happened wasn’t just sex!”   
  
Chan tilted his head back, eyes closed. “Then what was it? Act of revenge, jealousy? Yeah, probably. Changbin made him upset earlier so he decided to do the same?” He looked back at Minho, only to feel a burning sting on his cheek as a loud slap echoed down the hallway.    
  
“Don’t ever fucking speak of him like this!” hissed Minho. His eyes narrowed at his leader, still glistening with tears.    
  
“You’re being ridiculous right now. Go to my room, wait there for… whoever. And stop fucking hitting everyone or I will have to start retaliating! What the fuck is wrong with everyone today?!”   
  
Jeongin stepped out of the room, shuffling awkwardly. “Um…”   
  
“What is it?” Chan asked, voice softer. He cursed himself in his head. A real leader wouldn’t lose his cool.    
  
“Well, so Changbin and Hyunjin hyungs are quite calm now. Seungmin is trying to help them, but uh, Felix kind of… passed out?”    
  
“What?!”   
  
“When you were leaving, we didn’t notice at first—I mean, thank god Jisung did. So, I didn’t want to interrupt your talk but he’s not waking up and we’re not sure what to do,” the boy frowned. “Will he wake up?”   
  
“He’s not dead, he’ll wake up. Minho, go fetch some cold water and a towel.”    
  
“No.”    
  
“No?”   
  
“No. I’m going to stay there with him, make sure nobody touches him again,” Minho gritted his teeth and sneaked inside the room before Chan could stop him.    
  
“Right,” Chan sighed. Why did everything have to start falling apart now? “Jeongin, could you, please?”   
  
“Yeah! Sure, hyung. Anything else?”   
  
“Painkillers, I suppose he might wake up with a headache. Thanks, Innie,” he smiled tiredly before going back inside.    
  
This was going to be a long night.   
  
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
  
Hyunjin had often called himself an asshole. From a young age, his ways strayed from how other children behaved. Twisting words for his advantage became natural, and so did covering up the truth. He barely lied. Hyunjin had dignity. Pride. Maybe his pride turned him like this, maybe it really was family issues like his therapist proposed. Whatever the reason for his manipulative behaviours may be, all the boy knew was that he truly hated it. He loathed hurting others, making them feel desperate to ensure they do as he wishes. It truly ripped him apart.   
  
Sadly enough, another thing he loathed was not getting what he wanted. Be it a new hoodie, winning a competition or having sex with one of his best friends. Hwang Hyunjin always took what he wanted. This time, he wanted Felix.   
  
At first, no thoughts of the consequences crossed his mind. Lee Felix had been on his mind for a while now, appearing in some of Hyunjin’s most intimate dreams. The way the younger smiled, spoke, even breathed—everything about him sparked his desire. Felix would never have the heart to say no, so he exploited it like he always does. Cruel. Disgusting. But it still felt spectacular. Did Hyunjin regret it? Maybe.   
  
On top of Felix’s sweet personality, sunshine smile and warm voice, he had such a wonderful body. His frame appeared petite, especially with how skinny the boy must be now, with his bones showing so prettily. Only a faint trace of his abs could be seen since a while ago Lix decided to stop working out for muscle, instead choosing dance as his preferred and only exercise. Not that Hyunjin minded. He adored how tiny and frail Felix looked, how truly weak he turned out to be. For reasons unknown to even himself, Hwang enjoyed being stronger, bigger. It turns out he enjoyed having people give in to his superiority, too.    
  
When Changbin punched him the first time, Hyunjin decided not to fight back. It hurt on too many different levels: physical, spiritual, mental. A part of him wished to hurt Changbin, too, but he knew better than that. Hyunjin was an asshole and he truthfully deserved it.    
  
He did not mean to punch back, he really didn’t. Having Seo say all those things to him, bring out secrets and topics that should have never been brought up again and mocking him for it all, turned out to be enough for Hwang to snap. Unfair. He did lie to Felix, of course. Whether purposely or not shouldn’t matter. Or maybe it should? Frankly, he did not exactly intend to say  _ that.  _ It slipped out. But Hyunjin promised himself he would tell Felix, when the right time comes. He wanted to tell him and apologise, but Changbin decided to butt in like that. Although it seemed reasonable for Changbin to do so, it still frustrated Hyunjin. So unfair.   
  
Now, sitting on Minho’s bed with frozen food by his cheek and watching how Minho knelt beside Felix, holding his hand cautiously, murmuring something to the unconscious boy with tears dripping down his chin, Hyunjin felt like the biggest piece of shit alive. Nothing would have happened if it weren’t for him being unable to keep his dick in his pants. How appalling.    
  
“Does it hurt a lot?” Hyunjin blinked and turned his head to look at Jeongin. Such a kind person. “Does your face hurt?”   
  
“Yeah, hurts like a bitch. At least he didn’t dislocate my jaw.” He shrugged, setting the packet of frozen mandu beside himself.    
  
“The bruises will be bad, you know. Especially by the time promotions start…”   
  
“We’ll figure it out. I’m sure makeup will do the job.” Jeongin nodded, handing him a pill. “Thanks, Innie.”   
  
“No problem. I hope you’ll get well soon,” said the younger. His voice held more concern than Hyunjin deserved. “I know it’s all a mess, but I won’t turn on you, hyung. I won’t turn on Changbin hyung, either. I’m not going to take sides.”   
  
Hyunjin nodded, swallowing the pill dry. No need for water, anyway. “I don’t want anyone to take sides. This is more between us. But thanks, again.”   
  
“It’s fine, stop thanking me, please. But just… not that I’m doubting you, hyung, but because they all reacted like this I, uh…” he knew what Jeongin meant. His eyes said it all. “I mean, I’m sorry if it’s rude, but you really didn’t, you know, like, force him?”    
  
“No. I wouldn’t do that,” said Hyunjin, shuffling on the bed to rest his back on the wall. Changbin had gone back to his room, thankfully. “But I kind of lied about something. That’s why Changbin’s angry.”   
  
“Oh… okay? Um, sorry, I just—”   
  
“I get it. You’re worried, it’s fine. You’re a great friend, don’t apologise.” He ruffled the boy’s hair, forcing a smile. A wince twisted his face once he felt his lip burn. “Shit.”   
  
“You should probably stop talking for now, it will open again.” Yang stood up, flashing him a small, sad smile. “I’ll go check up on Changbin hyung now.”   
  
“Sure.”   
  
“You’ll fix it, right?”   
  
“I don’t know,” said Hwang. Is there a way to fix broken trust? “I will try.”   
  
Jeongin nodded, gathering all of the defrosted food before he shuffled out of the room. Hyunjin sighed, covering his face with his hands. He could hear the muffle sounds of Minho’s mumbles, quiet sniffles and Jisung’s words of comfort.  _ How odd _ , he thought. Usually it is Han crying, not the other way round. Usually, Hyunjin spends his evenings doing something fun with the rest, most often Changbin or Minho and Felix.    
  
How odd. He managed to ruin it all in a span of one day only.    
  
_ How funny. _   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was supposed to be mostly Changbin's pov but well, here we are with Hyunjin's hehe


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! self-harm, mentions of self-harm, mentions of weight loss !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels really short though it's the same length as most of them??? I contemplated joining it with another one but then it would've been way too long, so here you go for now!   
> I promise the next one is from Changbin's PoV, finally (took me long enough huh) 
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter even if it's really erm... not the best but it's as good as I could make it *cries* 
> 
> P.S. if you're a BTS stan you should go check out @strawberihobi 's account, she writes cute stuff

  
  
  
Felix wished he could turn back time. Everything tumbled like dominoes, all because of him.   
  
Minho scolded him profusely for hiding the truth, then cried, apologised and swore for at least an hour. All because of Felix. Changbin had not bothered to spare him as much as a quick glance ever since the fight happened. After waking up with a piercing headache, Lix looked for the older, wanting to make sure he isn’t injured too badly, only to have a door slammed shut in his face. Chan had been stressed, sleeping less than usual and shouting more. Jisung, just like his boyfriend, felt hurt that his twin tried to keep something like this secret. Hyunjin appeared to be quieter, seeking comfort in Felix’s arms and the younger certainly did not mind. In some complicated way, it felt as though they became even closer now. He also couldn’t blame Hwang for what happened, as the person at fault was the one and only Lee Felix. At least Seungmin and Jeongin stayed the same, though their maknae seemed anxious whenever Hyunjin and Changbin were in close proximity to each other.   
  
Considering their promotions started, they all spent most of their time together. Their stages did not get affected much, with all of them able to work on their professionalism and act as if nothing had ever happened, in front of cameras. It worked well, though Changbin made sure not to look at Felix even during their live stages or interviews. The younger boy’s heart felt heavy every second of his life lately, but he chose to swallow it up. He deserves this treatment. After all, he: ruined Hyunjin and Changbin’s friendship; ruined his friendship with Changbin; caused a physical fight amongst the members; upset all of his members right before their comeback; brought their leader more stress than necessary, and made life harder for their makeup artists since covering up the bruises proved to be a challenge. Ignoring his existence felt like the right treatment from Seo. Others should probably do the same.    
  
Thankfully, constant stages and dance practice made it easier for the Aussie to forget about how bad he fucked up. They exhausted him, left him trembling and weak, but at least he felt a tiny bit useful when he would manage not to get any moves or lines wrong.    
  
Sitting beside Seungmin in their van, dizzy after another performance, all he could think about was how much he wished he could turn back time. A silent melody came from the radio yet the atmosphere stayed tense, awkward. His head landed on Seungmin’s shoulder, snuggling up to his side as he glanced at Changbin, sat diagonally from him, beside Minho.    
  
“He’s still not talking to you?” Seungmin asked, voice hushed.    
  
“No,” said Felix. His lips formed into a pout and Kim had to look away to prevent himself from cooing out loud. “But it’s reasonable.”   
  
“Reasonable? Lix, it’s nearly been two weeks. And it’s not like you did anything wrong! You’re single, Hyunjin is single. Nothing wrong with you having sex.”   
  
The elder moved his small hands to play with one of Seungmin’s. “You don’t understand, Minnie.”   
  
“I think I understand it very well, thank you.”   
  
“Nuh-uh, it’s a bit… complicated. Hyunjin is Changbinnie’s best friend. Was. Is?” He furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, either way, I think Changbin hyung’s sad because we didn’t ask him.”   
  
“What, you wanted a threesome?!”   
  
“Shh!”   
  
“What threesome?” Jisung questioned, leaning closer towards Seungmin. “You’re having a threesome?”   
  
Felix buried his face in Seungmin’s shoulder with a sigh. The younger shook his head and flicked Han’s forehead. “No, I’m not. I’m just talking to Felix, mind your own business.”   
  
“Yah, is that how you speak to your hyung?”   
  
“We’re literally the same age.”    
  
“I’m still older,” said Han. “Now, why are you talking about threesomes?”   
  
“We aren’t,” said Felix. He moved his head to rest his chin on Kim’s shoulder. “I was talking to him about Changbin hyung, but he took it the wrong way. I meant; I think he is sad because we didn’t ask him if he’d be okay with us doing this.”   
  
“That’s stupid. Why do you need his permission? You’re not together, neither are they together.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. “He can’t be angry when he’s the one usually treating you so coldly.”   
  
“True, true.”   
  
Lix shook his head. “That’s not true at all! Changbinnie’s nice to me. Sometimes he lets me hug him! And if I’m lucky, I might get a kiss. Well, not anymore, but…”   
  
Jisung raised his eyebrow. “Get a kiss? I’ve never seen you and him kiss before.”   
  
“We don’t do it all the time like you and Minho hyung.”   
  
“So you  _ sometimes  _ get to hug him, and he  _ occasionally  _ gives you a kiss. That’s straight up sad,” said Seungmin. Felix looked at him confused. “He’s probably only kissing you because he knows you’re willing to, and he can’t find someone outside of our group since that could easily cause a scandal. I mean, sometimes he acts whipped for you, but now I think he just needs a stress-reliever.”   
  
“That was so mean,” Lix whispered, sitting up straight. Stress-reliever? That is not how Changbin thinks of him. It can’t be.    
  
“It did sound harsh,” said Jisung. “I think he does like Felix, but he’s just too scared to admit it. I mean, he does pretend he doesn’t care, but if he truly didn’t, why would he be so bothered about Hyunjin and Felix?”   
  
“Well, I don’t know.”   
  
“See! It’s not like you think, Seungminnie.”    
  
“Then what do  _ you  _ think it’s like, Lix?”    
  
Felix froze, eyes focused on the seat in front of him. His tired brain sluggishly tried to find an explanation, one which would sound possible and not desperate. What is it like? Does he just enjoy the kisses? Maybe the older is simply deprived of affection so he seeks it from Felix, the same way Hyunjin clings onto the younger nowadays? Could it be that Changbin likes him? No. No, definitely not. Lee Felix was not worthy of someone as great, handsome and talented as Seo Changbin. The older could never possibly like him in  _ that  _ way.   
  
“Well? Go on, Felix.” Jisung smiled at him encouragingly.    
  
“Uh, I’m not sure? Look, can we just leave this for now? I’m really tired.”   
  
Seungmin threw him a knowing look, giving a small nod. “Alright. We can leave it for now. But you know, you can’t run away from it forever. You two will have to talk and figure it out.”   
  
“I’m tired,” he repeated, turning his back to his friend to rest his head against the window. Perhaps he should talk to Changbin.    
  
If only it were so easy…   
  
  
***   
  
  
Felix attempted to stop Changbin before he got to his room. He managed to grasp his bicep gently, asking him to stop but the older smacked his hand off and slammed the door in his face again. Resigned, the boy plodded to the bathroom to shower, hoping he could wash off his guilt.   
  
Right after he made himself comfortable in bed after the shower, Minho stormed inside his room, face stoic. “You took a shower. Show me.”   
  
“Hyung,” Lix sighed as he sat up. “Please, can you just stop?”   
  
“No. Show me right now, Yongbok.” Minho took a seat beside the boy. Without asking for permission, he delicately grasped his wrists to examine Lix’s inner and outer forearms.    
  
Felix hated it. He truly loathed all those daily bedtime checks. Minho was worried, sure, he understood that, but Lix is also an adult and can take care of himself well. He did not see the need for any of it; it only made him feel more useless and pitiful. “I told you I won’t do it again.”   
  
“You’re going back to how you were before,” said the brunet, glancing at his face. “I can’t risk it.”   
  
“Don’t you trust me?” Felix slid his arms out of his grip, hugging them close to his chest.    
  
Minho sighed. Lix noticed guilt flooding his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just have to make sure, okay? I don’t want you to do it again. Please, just… just let me. It makes me less anxious if I can check. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if you… only because I couldn’t help you, protect you. Again.”    
  
“Minho hyung, I told you it’s fine. This is different, okay? This time I uh, wanted it, kind of. And I told you before, it felt, like, okay? Good?” Felix averted his eyes as his cheeks flushed. “I’m seriously fine.”   
  
“You’ve lost so much weight…”   
  
“Nothing to worry about.”   
  
“Jeongin said you often cry at night.” Of course he did. Jeongin, a good, kind child who always wants to help. “And I can see how much it all affects you. It hurts to watch you chase after him like this, or watch you pretend everything is fine again. Felix,  _ please _ , stop pretending for once. I won’t be able to stop worrying if you keep stuff from me.”    
  
Felix smiled at him. A smile filled with love, gratitude. Minho wondered how strong must he be to smile like this under those circumstances. “I’m not hiding anything. There’s no new cuts, right? So you can rest assured, hyung.”    
  
“But what about your weight loss?”   
  
“Haven’t had much of an appetite lately, is all.” He shrugged. Minho eyed him warily, carefully, like a hawk. “I promise I’ll try to eat more.” Lies. Felix should consider acting as a career.    
  
“Um… alright, let’s pretend I believe you for now.”    
  
“Thanks. I promise that’s all.”   
  
Minho nodded and sighed, patting Felix’s knee. “Right. I’ll be going, then. You look tired and I promised Jisung I’ll be the big spoon tonight. I’ll come by to check on you in the morning.”   
  
“Sure, fine. Have fun with Sung,” said Felix, leaning back to lay comfortably.   
  
“Goodnight, Bokkie. I love you.”   
  
“I love you, too.” He smiled again.   
  
Once Minho left, Felix took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It hurt to lie to his best friend, his protector. The last cut on his forearm appeared around a year ago, and since then, only scars decorated the skin. He tried to wear long sleeves as often as possible, covering them with makeup whenever he had to expose them. The rest noticed, sure. Felix made up some story about a cat attack and although nobody seemed to believe him too much, they left the topic. They were all scars, after all. No fresh wounds on his wrists, no reason to worry.    
  
Shame the same could not be said about his inner thighs.    
  
“Felix.” The boy jerked up, eyes opening wide. Is he dreaming again?   
  
“Changbin hyung?”    
  
Changbin closed the door, locking it after himself. “We need to talk.”    
  
“Yeah, sure!” Felix nodded frantically, scooting to the side to make space for his hyung. “I’m really, really sorry, hyung. I shouldn’t have done that, it was really selfish and stupid of me and I’m sorry I made you angry and you got hurt because of all this and—”   
  
“Shut up.” Seo rolled his eyes, taking a seat beside him. “You’re talking too much. Why are you sorry? I mean, Seungmin was right. I’ve got no reason to be angry at you.”   
  
“Oh.” Next time, he will have to make sure they speak quietly.   
  
“I felt hurt because I just, uh, I assumed you know how I feel. But I suppose that I was too busy denying it all to let you see it.” Changbin took a deep breath, reaching out for Felix’s hand. “I was hurt because I thought you know I like you.”    
  
Felix could swear his brain malfunctioned as a soft blush creeped on his face. “W-what?”   
  
Seo rubbed his small hand gently.  _ God, so soft. And so… boney, cold.  _ “I like you. I mean! Like a dongsaeng, of course,” he chuckled nervously. “Yup, a younger brother. Nothing more.”   
  
“Oh.” Lix pretended his heart did not ache. “Well, that’s a little surprising. I thought you hate me now.”    
  
“Ah, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour, it was so immature and rude. It probably gave you a hard time, didn’t it?”    
  
“No, not really. I’m used to it.”   
  
Changbin gave his hand a light squeeze. “I’m sorry. I should be angry at Hwang for doing this to you, it wasn’t your fault.”   
  
“Hyunjin didn’t do anything bad to me, don’t say it like that.”   
  
“He manipulated you,” said the older. “Lix, can’t you see that?”   
  
“How would you know?”   
  
“I talked with Minho hyung.”   
  
“He’s lying because he’s too worried for me,” said Felix. “Hyunjinnie didn’t do anything bad. He wouldn’t do it if I hadn’t agreed. Can we stop talking about this now? I’m tired.”   
  
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” Changbin let go of his hand and cleared his throat. Felix folded his hands in his lap. “Hey, Lix? Are you okay?”   
  
“Yeah? Why?”   
  
The older laughed quietly, so uncomfortably. Felix cringed on the inside. “I kind of, saw you and Minho. I mean, I wasn’t spying, I was just walking past! But, I heard you two.” Lix gnawed at his lip again. No.  _ Not now, goddamnit _ . “You hurt yourself?”    
  
Hurt himself.  _ What a lovely euphemism, _ Felix thought to himself. Absentmindedly, one of his hands brushed over the marks. It made sense why Changbin came here out of nowhere now, when a mere hour ago he smacked him harshly. Now that he knows, he got scared he may be responsible.   
  
Felix didn’t need his stupid pity, nor guilt.   
  
“I’m fine. It’s in the past now. No, don’t worry, it wasn’t because of you.” Will he ever learn to tell the truth? His thighs stung and prickled more with each lie. “You can leave now. No need to feel guilty and pretend to be nice.”   
  
“What? No, Felix, that is not what I meant! How could you even think that?” Changbin looked at him. Offended or disappointed? He couldn’t tell. “I just figured now would be a good time to apologise.”   
  
“Because you felt scared you might be responsible, hyung. I’m younger, and I like you a lot, but I am not that stupid. No need to worry, it’s all good. Keep it to yourself, please.” Felix lied down again, turning his back towards Changbin. He blinked furiously, trying to get rid of his tears.    
  
Why did he ever think Seo liked him? He only came here to give him insincere apologies to feel better, less guilty. Felix did not need fake words. Changbin does not like him romantically, maybe not even platonically. He only pretends because he has to, and because he pities the boy. Pathetic. Lee Felix felt pathetic.    
  
“Felix, please, you’re jumping to conclusions.”   
  
“Night, Changbin hyung. Don’t forget to turn the lights off when you leave.”   
  
“Alright,” sighed the older, getting up to turn the lights off. “We can talk tomorrow, when you calm down a little. I meant everything I said.” He switched the lights off, unlocking the door.    
  
Felix clutched the duvet in his hands as a tear ran across his face. He hated sleeping alone, but Jeongin was somewhere else and Jisung stayed with Minho. Perhaps he could risk it and ask if he could join the couple, or maybe cuddle with Hyunjin until they both feel slightly better.    
  
His worries disappeared when he felt his mattress dip, part of the duvet lifting before a pair of muscular arms snaked around his waist. Lix felt his heart skip a beat, mind going blank as his body tensed.    
  
“Sleep well, Lix,” Changbin whispered right by his ear, sending shivers down his spine. The older voluntarily hugged him, out of nowhere? It all has to be some kind of a dream.   
  
When his brain managed to comprehend the situation, he felt his muscles relax, shuffling back ever so slightly to meet Changbin’s chest. He hoped it was a dream because then he wouldn’t have to feel bad about forgiving people too easily.    
  
Changbin held him all night and Felix never wanted to wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm giving them a break but trust me, there is so much more drama coming (when exactly? that, nobody knows yet)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! brief mention of rape, mentions of weight loss, mentions of self harm, homophobic idea (kind of, it's complicated)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I felt like this chapter is terrible but I am trusting my friend who read over the draft and said it's good (love you). If it is bad, do not complain to me okay thank you  
> -I'm just kidding, please DO tell me if this sucks :((
> 
> Finally Changbin's PoV yayyy, I've been looking forward to this. I'm really trying to develop the characters well but I am aware I still lack a lot in that area and I'm so so so sorry, but hey, we learn with practice right. 
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter and don't forget to comment or (if you're a kind person) leave kudos <3

  
  
  


For most of the night, Changbin laid awake with Felix pressed to his chest. As he hid his face in the crook of his neck, his nostrils filled with the smell of a fresh, fruity body wash mixed with the boy’s luscious natural scent. He listened to Lix’s steady breathing, basking in the warmth radiating off his body, wallowing in his heavenly smell and relishing their closeness, Lee’s presence. Being the one to initiate an intimate position like this felt oddly pleasant, though Changbin decided to never admit it to anyone. He still hates how annoyingly clingy and bubbly Felix is. Or rather, how he used to be.   
  
Changbin never paid too much attention to the scars on Felix’s arms, mostly because the boy visibly tried to hide them and avoided speaking about it. Nobody wanted to make him uncomfortable. They all left it without prying too much.   
  
When he noticed Minho checking for any new marks, Seo could feel his heart sinking. It hit him harder than hearing about what Hyunjin had done. Realising that all this time he had no idea about what the boy went through, what the scars on his body meant, hurt him in a whole new way. Minho was certainly right; the past days and weeks, Felix had been getting worse. He barely ate, overworked himself during practice, stayed up late at night and often left the dorm to go somewhere, disappearing for hours. He would still try to cling to everyone, but it seemed as if now he did it out of desperation and sadness, rather than trying to show his love. Would it be surprising if new marks appeared? Changbin figured it wouldn’t. In fact, with great terror, he realised with all that had happened and with how harshly he treated the boy, Seo had been pushing him to do just that. The internet taught him about how putting a stop to self-harm is as hard as getting rid of a drug addiction, and just the same, relapsing is awfully easy. Small things can be triggers. How big of a trigger could a silent treatment from your crush be?    
  
Changbin felt like the biggest asshole alive. From what he learned so far, Felix still felt homesick and insecure, struggling with the Korean language and living surrounded by cameras and people, with his privacy often invaded. He knew it all yet he still made it harder for the freckled boy. Instead of getting angry at him, punishing him for trying to do the best for all of them, he should have listened and offered support or comfort. It was no secret Lix liked him more than the other members, and he simply treated him like trash. God, Hyunjin should have beaten him much worse.   
  
Somewhere throughout the night, Felix’s shirt rolled up slightly, so Changbin moved one of his hands carefully, grazing the exposed skin on the younger’s waist which caused him to stir lightly. His skin burned in the most amazing way Seo could imagine, feeling smoother than should be humanly possible. It ignited a spark of desire, a flame of need and  _ want  _ in the older; he wanted to touch much more, get to know every single bit of Felix’s body, feel how soft he is all over, and do this all night, every night. Every day. They laid so close, bodies pressed together with no space in between at all. A perfect opportunity.   
  
But he shouldn’t. Although he couldn’t help caressing the skin softly and maybe nosing at his neck, Seo knew he shouldn’t do any more. Felix kept squirming and stirring, as if tickled— Changbin later realised that he probably was accidentally tickling him—and if he were to try anything else, do something more courageous and intrusive, he surely would wake up startled. Maybe he would even think of his hyung as some creepy pervert. Thinking about it, Changbin came to the conclusion that it did appear creepy. How could he think these thoughts about such a pure, innocent and currently powerless creature? Sure, deep inside he wished he could do the same as Hwang, with the only difference being that Seo would make sure to mark Felix fully as his, keep others away. But what the two did happened when both were conscious and sober. As hurtful as it was, Lix did consent to it. He never consented to anything with Changbin, not that the older would ever ask to do something other than kissing. That would be wrong.   
  
However, oftentimes he felt ashamed of his behaviour. No matter how mean or nice he acted, the freckled boy stayed with him. He would always use any opportunity to initiate physical contact, and if that proved to be impossible, his adorable, sparkly eyes always landed on Changbin. The older never asked for consent, yet Lee hadn’t complained, ever. Even if all they did was kiss, maybe properly make-out once or twice, Changbin sometimes still felt bad. Frankly, all their kisses were initiated by him only. Felix kissed back, of course he did. But did he truly want to? What if he felt like he had to? Maybe, in a way, Seo pressured him without words, in the same way Hwang managed to coerce him? Maybe the consent Felix gave Hyunjin mattered much less than all the times he kissed Changbin back eagerly (he liked to think so). At least he never twisted words to make Lix want him.    
  
Thinking about the whole ‘Hyunlix’ thing brought a wave of too many negative emotions crashing over Changbin. Felix consented, technically. Considering what Minho had told him, Seo could easily figure out none of it was straightforward. Had Hyunjin simply asked for a ‘yes or no’ answer, would Lix still agree? Had Hyunjin not attempted to guilt trip him, threaten him with ruining their group’s dynamic, would Felix really willingly have sex with him? Maybe he would. Maybe his infatuation with Changbin only seemed strong, but in reality he doesn’t care. Even so, could anybody call what happened then to be a consensual sexual intercourse? Changbin had mixed feelings, all the while Minho went as far as calling Hwang a ‘rapist’. Seo thought it sounded a bit too harsh. Or maybe it didn’t.    
  
Whether Felix meant it or not, he gave a clear response. A yes. Though Changbin definitely did not like Hyunjin at all after what happened, he could not help but feel slightly bad on him. It’s not like he can read minds, right?    
  
He moved his hand slowly, tracing his fingers over Felix’s faint abs. The boy’s tummy felt flatter than he remembered. Concerningly concave. His hand froze for a few seconds as the younger stirred uncomfortably again. Changbin trailed his hand to his hipbone and—God, it was all bone. At this point, he couldn’t be sure whether there was any skin on it. Certainly, no fat left there. He didn’t have to move his hand up to know he would be able to feel each and every one of Felix’s ribs under his fingers, his sternum bones too. How come he hadn’t noticed how much thinner he became?  _ No wonder his abs are gone, _ he thought, clenching his hand on the bone slightly.  _ There’s no fat and barely any muscle. _   
  
Perhaps this could explain why his poor angel keeps running out of breath faster than before. This could be the reason why he appears terribly clumsy these days, constantly tripping over nothing and messing up choreographies more frequently.  _ Does he even eat?  _ Changbin did not get much time to think about this issue. 

Felix awoke, jerking away from him. He probably squeezed a bit too tight.   
  
“W-what are you doing?!” all he could see were the boy’s eyes glistening in the moonlight, staring at him scared, perplexed, a little tired.   
  
“Sorry,” said the older as Felix sat up. He did the same. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”   
  
Felix scowled which Changbin couldn’t see properly. “So you wanted to touch me while I slept?”   
  
“What? No! Where’s that even—alright, but it’s just warm, okay? I wasn’t like, feeling you up! Who do you take me for? This is what people do when they cuddle, anyway. No big deal?”   
  
“You didn’t have to do it so hard,” said the younger. He shifted in his seat, eyes glancing towards the window instead. How much did he touch? Lix felt anxiety bubbling in his throat. What if he felt all that fat on his body?   
  
Changbin nodded. “I know, sorry. I was just thinking too much. You should go back to sleep.”   
  
Felix shook his head, pulling his knees to his chest. His thighs stung softly, calming his nerves for some reason. So, so wrong. This should not make him feel better. But it did. It always did. “I can’t really fall asleep once I wake up.”   
  
Seo knew that very well. Still, he threw the covers aside and moved closer to lean his back against the wall, beside his companion. On an instinct, his hand swished through the darkness to land on Felix’s fluffy hair. He patted his head once or twice, feeling his heart skip a beat when the boy leaned into his touch, like a cat asking for attention. Thankfully, Lix couldn’t notice the smile on his face as he allowed himself to play with the lilac hair. Not that the other would see it, considering he let his chin rest on his knees with his eyes closed, letting out a quiet noise closely resembling a purr. How in the world can anybody be this perfect?  
  
A part of Changbin wondered what kind of noises would he make under _different_ circumstances. Oh, this was not the time for such illicit thoughts.  
  
“What were you thinking about, hyung?”   
  
His hand stilled for a brief moment. “Ah, it’s nothing.”   
  
“You’re a bad liar, you know? And I can’t even see you,” said Felix, leaning backwards to rest against the wall, too. His tiny arms stayed wrapped around his legs. Bare legs. _Not now._ _  
_ _  
_“I’m not a bad liar, you just know me too well,” he sighed. “I think we should talk about it later.”  
  
“Why? Is it personal? We’re here alone. You can tell me anything, hyung. I won’t tell anyone.” Changbin knew that, too. He knew a lot. He liked to pretend he didn’t, though. “Are you still angry?”   
  
“No, of course not. And I think it’s best if you stop bringing it up, then I might end up forgetting about it. I would like to forget about it.”  
  
“Right, sorry. So? What is it?”   
  
“It’s just…” _you’re always pretending. Are you trying to kill yourself, Lee Felix?_ “I’m really happy to be here with you.” He heard a soft gasp, noticing the younger’s head perk up. Again, those enchanting eyes landed on him. Changbin figured it was a shame he couldn’t see him properly; he’d surely look beautiful. He moved his hand away, feeling a little awkward. “You know, because we don’t really spend much time together lately. Well, I know it’s my fault. But I realised I’m very happy you’re here, and I didn’t want to sleep so that I can enjoy it longer. I think I missed this, kind of. Your presence makes me happy.”   
  
Changbin had to avert his eyes. Even in a room covered in darkness, he turned his head to hide the soft blush warming up his face. Saying things like this made him feel like a fool. So stupid. Felix will probably laugh at him for being such a softie now.  
  
But Felix did the very opposite.   
  
Seo let out a quiet ‘oomph’ as Felix pounced on him, making him fall on his side with the tiny body resting on the other. One of his arms ended up trapped between their bodies because Lee clung onto him as tight as he could. He could probably easily slip it out, but he didn’t want to interrupt this moment and chose to let Lix do his thing. Changbin had to admit he enjoyed it. Having the younger cling onto him like this, all grateful and desperate, made him feel things he never felt before.  
  
“You’re so good to me, hyung!”   
  
The older raised his eyebrow as he heard a sniffle. “Are you crying?”   
  
“No!” Felix nuzzled his face in his shoulder, sniffling again. “I’m not. I’m just, I’m very happy, too. I’m happy you’re here with me, and you let us cuddle!”   
  
“That’s not a big deal? We all cuddle often.”   
  
Lee’s nose brushed from side to side against his arm quickly, so he figured the boy shook his head. “Not like this. You don’t cuddle me, and then you don’t pet me like that, and you don’t say stuff like this— you even let me cuddle you now!” his voice went higher on the last sentence, the same way it does whenever he does aegyo. Felix even let out a cute sound, squeezing him a tiny bit harder for a second. “I’m so happy, hyung. You make me happy, too. Very happy. I really like you, hyung~”   
  
Sometimes Changbin wondered how come the younger is so open with him. Everybody could tell Felix belonged to shy people. It took him time to warm up to all of them, and sometimes he still appears unsure whether it’s okay to bother his friends. Sometimes he still blushes when they compliment him, or when he cuddles with them. Lix talking about his feelings became a rarity. He barely ever told other members how much he loves them, appreciates them, unless in a joking manner. Weirdly enough, for some reason, all Seo would hear from him would be the same thing over and over again. “I really like you, hyung.” He often blushed saying it, avoiding eye contact, but it could not change the fact that Felix only ever said things like this to him. Sometimes, he would say it in front of people. In front of cameras. Changbin didn’t understand how or why the boy became confident whenever it involved bothering the older.   
  
“I’ve missed you a lot, hyung,” mumbled the younger, squeezing him gently one last time before he sat back on the bed. After all, he didn’t want to crush him to death. “Sorry. I know you don’t like this.”   
  
“It’s alright.” Changbin turned to lay on his back. Without that little leech he felt cold. “Come here,” he said, opening his arms for the boy.   
  
Felix blinked, eyes focusing on the other’s silhouette. Seo noticed his head tilted lightly to the side. He didn’t need the lights on to know the Aussie resembled a confused puppy right now.   
  
“What are you waiting for? Come on. I’m cold, do you want me to freeze?” Shaking his head quickly, Lix crawled up a bit to rest by Changbin, on his side. The older wrapped his strong arm around him, pulling him close. This had to be a dream. Maybe the older hit his head earlier? “Are you going to leave me hanging here?”  
  
“Uh?”   
  
Changbin smiled to himself and took one of Felix’s arms saying, “I told you I’m cold. Why won’t you hug me?”   
  
“Oh! Oh, sorry, I was just, uh… yeah.” The younger quickly wrapped his arms around him, placing his cheek on Seo’s chest a little hesitant. Would that be okay? They rarely did things like this.   
  
“You should try going back to sleep. We’ve got a busy day ahead,” said Changbin. His hand magically found its way to Felix’s hair again. He hated to admit it, but he could now understand why fans all go crazy over the boy’s hair—it’s so fucking soft. “I know you usually can’t, but try, okay?”   
  
“Okay,” said Lix, closing his eyes. The warmth radiating off his hyung made him feel incredibly cosy. How will he get up in the morning? “You too. You need sleep.”  
  
“Don’t worry about me, alright? Goodnight.” Changbin reached for the covers to pull them over themselves. It would get too hot soon, but he figured that is much better than sleeping all cold and shivering.   
  
Felix hummed in content. Now, the comfortable warmth engulfed him from each direction and Changbin’s arm around him made it a million times better. He felt safe, safer than with Minho. Having the older play with his hair like this added to the wonderful experience.  
  
After ten minutes, Seo thought the younger one had already fallen asleep. Until the boy shifted and muttered, “Hyung?”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“I really like you.” Changbin knew. _I really like you too._  
  
He patted his head gently before continuing to play with the silky locks in silence. Maybe Felix waited for a reply in vain. He must have given up soon because after another few minutes, he dozed off with his hands clutching at Changbin’s shirt.   
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Changbing woke up first. After carefully sliding out of bed, tucking Felix in and maybe leaving a quick peck on his cheek, he rushed out of the room quietly with a ghost of a fond smile on his face.   
  
Prancing towards his room he thought about how great this day already looks. It was only 5am, but he had a feeling it would be a good day. Wonderful one. He stepped inside, careful as to not wake his roommate, thought it seemed unnecessary. Chan sat on his bed, laptop on his lap and headphones on. His head moved to the beat slightly which only made Seo’s smile bigger. For the first time in a while, he felt fully rested and relaxed and it made everything better. This was going to be a great day.   
  
“Morning, hyung,” said the younger, already strolling to his wardrobe to grab a change of clothes. Chan did not hear him, only looking up when he noticed something moving.   
  
“Changbin? You’re up this early?” Chan questioned, moving his headphones to stay against the back of his neck. His caring eyes took their time scanning over Changbin, checking for anything out of the ordinary. “Where were you all night?”   
  
“Felix.” He shrugged, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling like an idiot. A whole night spent with that warm, precious little kitten.  
  
“Ah, that’s why he was so loud? I mean—not in _that_ way!”  
  
Changbin raised his eyebrow, glancing at him amused. “What way?”   
  
“Oh, shut up. You know very well,” huffed the older. Seo noticed his cheeks seemed more pink than usual. “I just meant, I heard him sometime throughout the night. Didn’t bother me, obviously, but I was worried he might wake the others.”  
  
“And you didn’t check on him?”  
  
“He has two roommates, Changbinnie. I’m sure they would’ve taken care of him if something was wrong. Anyway, that’s not even important! Why were you there? All night?”  
  
“Well, why is that important?” Changbin threw the clothes on his bed and swiftly took off his shirt. “I went there to apologise, kind of. I figured maybe I was too harsh.” He nodded to himself, not caring too much about feeling the other’s eyes on him. They usually got changed in front of each other. “He seemed pretty down, you know.”  
  
“I know. You were acting like an asshole, man. We’ve told you many times already,” said Bang. “I’m glad you finally listened. And I suppose he’s better, considering the noises…?”  
  
“We didn’t have sex.”  
  
It was Chan’s turn to look at him with a raised eyebrow as he put on the clean shirt. “Who mentioned anything about sex? Where are all these sinful thoughts coming from?”   
  
“Don’t act like you didn’t think about it!”   
  
“No idea what you mean.” Chris grinned cheekily. “Anyway, why was he loud? What did you do?”  
  
“I cuddled him? And he got all soft and happy, for no reason,” said Changbin.   
  
“No reason, huh? You know he likes you dearly, don’t play stupid.”   
  
“I know, but still. He got excited about the stupidest little things and then he was so clingy, acting like a kitten and doing aegyo. As if that’s okay for him to do without like, a reason or a warning, like how is that even—” Changbin looked away and cleared his throat. “He’s just very annoying.”   
  
Chan burst out laughing, bringing a hand up to his mouth to stifle the sound. It has been a while since Changbin saw him laugh like this, with his head thrown back a bit and shoulders shaking. His hand did not work too well. The rest will wake up soon, if they hadn’t woken up already.   
  
“What’s so funny?” the younger questioned after what felt like hours of Chan just laughing at him.  
  
“Oh my!” Chris kept chuckling, shaking his head. Changbin almost felt the need to laugh or smile himself; seeing Chan all bubbly like this made him happy. “How long will you keep this up? It’s so childish, really. But kind of cute.”   
  
“What are you talking about now? I’m not even doing anything.”  
  
“Trying to convince everyone you don’t like Felix? Yeah, alright. We all know you’re whipped. Stop being so… stubborn.”  
  
“I’m not—”  
  
“I’m saying this as your hyung, Changbinnie: stop pretending and pushing him away. It’s blatantly obvious you’re in love with him, so get him. Do it before someone else does,” said Chan. He flashed Changbin a fatherly smile. “Don’t be afraid. We will still love you, we don’t care whether you like men or not. You know that, right?”   
  
Changbin swallowed, casting his eyes down. “Mhm.”   
  
Chris clicked his tongue. “That’s it, isn’t it?” The older got up and took a seat beside the other. “Listen, there’s no need to worry. It’s okay. Whether you’re gay, bi, pan or whatever. It’s not like you can just choose, is it?” His arm circled around Changbin’s shoulders. “Look at Minho and Jisung. It’s not ideal, of course, because of the contract, but that’s all you should worry about. Don’t get caught.”   
  
“No, you don’t get it,” said Changbin.”   
  
“Don’t get what?”  
  
“You’re from Australia, so you think differently. It’s not like that here, okay? It’s not—it’s _not_ okay at all. It’s wrong. I shouldn’t even think about a man like that, especially not someone I know. I don’t even like men!” Chan gave his shoulder a tender squeeze. “What would I tell my parents?”   
  
“The truth? You don’t have to tell them if you’re not ready, Binnie. Felix would understand.”   
  
“You still don’t get it, do you? I _can’t_ be with a man. I don’t like them. It’s weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t like Felix, he’s just… he’s pretty. Different. That’s all. I don’t like him, I just find him interesting.”   
  
Chris hummed lowly, furrowing his eyebrows. “So… okay. So what you’re trying to say is, you find him attractive, physically? Sexually?”   
  
“Well, a little, I guess? Don’t you?”   
  
“Not the point, Changbin,” said the older. “First of all, it is _not_ wrong in any way, got it? It isn’t. Do you think what Jisung and Minho have is wrong?” Changbin shook his head. “Exactly. This doesn’t just depend on the people, it’s not like they can like each other but you can’t like Felix. I think you’re scared and trying to find any excuse you can. He won’t reject you, alright? And don’t try to tell me you only like him for his looks. If that was the case, you wouldn’t constantly talk about how clingy he is, or how he always acts cute.”  
  
“It’s really annoying.”   
  
“But you spent the night with him, didn’t you? I know he can’t sleep with someone and not hug them all night, and I’m sure you know, too. Nobody forced you to stay with him, right?”   
  
Changbin sighed, playing with his fingers. “Maybe you’re right,” he said in a small voice. “So what if I like him, though? It’s not like we can get together. It just won’t work.”   
  
“How do you know? You won’t know unless you try it.” Chan shrugged and patted his shoulder. “I think you should try. It will be good for the both of you. I’m not sure what exactly is going on, since Minho won’t tell me, but I can tell Felix needs someone to take care of him.”  
  
“And you think I am that person?”   
  
“Are you not?”  
  
“I think you’re much better at it, you know. Seriously, no. I’m not good at this, I’m an idol for a reason. Relationships with me are terrible, I’d just make him sad again and I don’t want that to happen.”   
  
“Well, there’s a simple solution for that,” said Chan.   
  
“Yeah? And what would that be?”  
  
“Just don’t make him sad.”   
  
Changbin rolled his eyes and shook Chan’s arm off himself. “Thanks for that, hyung.”   
  
“You’re welcome,” he chuckled. “But seriously. We all love you, and I’m sure your parents will love you. Don’t be afraid, we’ve got your back. If you don’t try, then you will end up making him sad. He’s been waiting for so long, can’t you let him breathe already?”   
  
“So you want me to just go ask him out?”   
  
“Yes. Either that, or just… reject him.” Chris scrunched his face in a wince. “I’d rather avoid that, but well, it’s life, no? And at this point, I’m not sure if he can wait much longer—if it’s any good for any of us to let him pine over you like this. So make up your mind and either give it a go, or make it clear you’re not interested. Don’t waste both your and his time.”   
  
“I think you need to sleep. You become so weird at 5am,” said the younger, raising off his seat. “Thanks for the advice, Mr Therapist.”   
  
“Wait, what? Are you just going to ignore all of this?”   
  
Changbin chuckled, already strolling to the door. “It’s time for breakfast, and someone needs to make sure Felix eats.”   
  
Chan shook his head, a small, proud smile forming on his face as he watched Seo leave to make breakfast for their little sunshine.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, school started again and it's hell :))))  
> (again let's thank my friend for reading over it and lifting my spirits)
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this one!

  
  
  
  


By the time their promotions ended, Felix bloomed again. A sunny smile stayed glued to his pretty face almost all the time, with his dark eyes gaining more colour (according to Changbin, at least) and sparkling brightly, just as they used to. Wherever he stayed, his sweet giggles and warm words filled the room. Despite their packed schedules, he still managed to find time for baking or cooking for everyone, little massage sessions, or simple cuddles to help members sleep. Whilst everyone felt drained, exhausted, their little sunshine ensured they would smile every single day. For some time, Jeongin worried he fed off their energy, thus why Felix was the only one so bubbly when the rest felt as good as dead. Seungmin snorted and smacked the back of his head once he heard it, earning a cute scolding from their tiny angel. Seungmin tried explaining that their maknae thought bad of Lix, but the lilac-haired boy laughed it off and pretty much seated himself in Jeongin’s lap to “make sure it doesn’t hurt”. In reality, he just messed up the younger’s hair, then clung to him tight, claiming that he needed to get his "daily dose of cuddles". Yang couldn’t exactly push him off even if he tried. Not that he had the heart to do it, anyway, but he’d never admit it in front of the others—he wasn’t fond of excessive skinship and if he had to endure the rest latching onto him like this, he would end up going crazy.  
  
Changbin still hadn’t talked to Hyunjin, ignoring all of the boy’s pleas and small letters he’d leave on his bed, in his pocket or anywhere he could (Seo blocked his number to avoid text messages). It did not seem to have any influence on Felix anymore, although he often tried to convince Changbin to stop being so stubborn. Minho only lasted a week longer before he crumbled and had a long talk with Hyunjin, after which the younger apologised to Felix on his knees. Lix found it absolutely unnecessary, feeling his heart ache when Hwang’s plump bottom lip started quivering and eyes glossed over with tears. He quickly knelt beside him then, cracking some stupid joke as he tackled him into a hug. Though he still woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and tears with the memory of their hands all over his body, Felix forgave the boy way before his apology. Frankly, he still couldn’t exactly understand why he received an apology in the first place, considering he deserved all that happened. He stayed silent about it since Minho had been snappy lately and he did not fancy an argument.   
  
At last, after finishing their final tiring stage, they were informed of their upcoming world tour. All exhaustion forgotten, the whole group ended up jumping in an extremely messy, uncomfortable group hug, crushing their leader who had the honour of being in the very middle. Chan may have shed some tears as he tried to embrace anybody close enough—his arms ended up squished against his body, so he only managed to pat Jeongin’s side—and once they broke away, he made sure to hug each and one of them individually.   
  
“You did so well, Channie hyung!” Felix beamed once the older stepped in front of him.  
  
Chan smiled at first, his cheeks flushing a tiny bit. He was about to argue, say that they are the ones who made it happen, who did well, and he willed himself to speak up but before he got to open his mouth, soft lips landed on his.   
  
He felt as though his brain malfunctioned, staring dumbly at the younger boy who pulled away seconds later. A quick, small peck on the lips. Nothing big, but God! Chan almost felt _disappointed_ he got so little time to process the situation and enjoy it.  
  
“Are you okay, hyung?” Lix giggled. Most eyes were on them now, some of their staff members curious, others rather worried.  
  
Staff. Felix kissed him in front of their managers and stylists and maybe someone else, someone passing by. What if they tell? What if they think it’s something serious and report it to JYP?   
  
Minho shuffled closer, laughing for no reason as he pulled Chan in for a hug. “You look as if you’ve seen a ghost, hyung.”   
  
“I do?” Bang shook his head, wanting to get rid of these thoughts. They had the best staff they could have ever asked for. None of them would cause trouble. “Sorry, I just… woah. Adrenaline, you know? Makes us do a lot of weird things,” he said, glancing at Felix whilst saying the last part. The younger did not notice, already too busy with bothering Seungmin.   
  
“Yeah. I think you might be Changbin’s next target now,” Minho chuckled. Chan did not laugh for he caught Seo staring at him. Definitely not impressed. “Hey, I’m kidding. He won’t do anything to you!”  
  
“It’s Changbin we’re talking about,” said Chan. “He’ll block me just like Hyunjin.”  
  
“Ah, it’s not a big deal! Felix does it all the time, mostly with the kids. I can’t count how many times he kissed Jisung.”   
  
“He kissed Jisung?” Both Chan and Minho flinched upon hearing Changbin’s voice from behind. “And Hyunjin, and Chan? Who else?”   
  
“No, it’s not like that. It wasn’t a _kiss._ It’s just quick pecks.”   
  
“So he goes around kissing everyone?”   
  
“Changbin-ah,” Minho sighed. “He really likes you, alright? This is just the way he shows affection. It’s nothing romantic or anything. Platonic, really. Well, unless it’s with you.”   
  
Changbin scowled. “I don’t want him kissing anyone else. He kissed your boyfriend! How are you okay with that?”   
  
“It’s Felix.” Minho shrugged. Chan’s eyebrows drew in together as he looked at the younger. Han did do fanservice with most members, but he had to stick to the rules his boyfriend gave him. One of them clearly was no kissing with anyone. The eldest didn’t understand why that would change when it came to Lix. “I know he doesn’t love Jisung in that way. And I know Jisung doesn’t like him in that way, either.”  
  
“He’s never kissed me before, though,” said the leader.   
  
Minho smiled. “Adrenaline. And maybe he’s getting more comfortable around you now.”   
  
“He never kissed me,” said Changbin. Chan eyed him carefully, pulling him into a hug almost immediately. The younger looked somewhere between sad and angry. Or maybe he felt both at the same time.  
  
“He really likes you, alright? Trust me, he does. You know he really likes skinship.”   
  
“Skinship and kissing are not the same!”   
  
Chan nodded. “You’re right, you’re right. But he doesn’t do this often, does he? And I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you.”  
  
“Yeah,” Changbin scoffed. “He never does.”   
  
“Bin…”   
  
“It’s fine.” He shrugged and turned around. “I don’t care.”  
  
“Here it goes again,” sighed Minho as he watched Seo walk away to gather his stuff. “Let’s just get going. Guess I’ll have to talk to Lix at home.”   
  
“No. I’ll talk to him. I’ve got to explain some stuff to him, anyway.”   
  
“You won’t be mean, right?” Minho eyed him warily. Chan almost felt hurt. “You know he’s sensitive.”   
  
“I won’t make him cry, don’t worry,” said the older before he walked over to his bag. Minho only nodded and rushed to his boyfriend’s side, slapping his butt before he tackled him in a hug. Chan shook his head, though a small smile ghosted his lips.  
  
 _At least they can enjoy puppy love.  
_  
  
***  
  
  
They decided to have a movie night, an idea proposed by Felix. Everybody knew the boy only used this as an excuse to cuddle to anybody he could, yet nobody seemed willing to oppose. After all, they finished their promotions and found out they will be going on tour. A celebration was required.   
  
Preparations took them longer than expected, mostly because Minho and Jisung spent a concerningly long amount of time showering. Seeing how embarrassed Han looked whenever he had to walk—or rather, limp—the rest acted as if they never heard anything. Jeongin and Seungmin seemed ready to kill the two, whispering to each other all the while Felix evidently tried his best to take the spotlight off of Han. What a kind, pure soul. Jisung felt more than grateful.   
  
“Right, what should we watch?” Chan questioned, taking a seat after he set the bowl of popcorn on the table.   
  
“‘Frozen’?” Lix shrugged, taking a seat on the floor, between Changbin’s legs. He leaned back, expecting to feel hands playing with his hair or maybe the elder’s arms wrapping around him. Nothing.   
  
“‘Frozen’ sounds good. Everyone alright with that?” The living room filled with noises of agreements and so Chan played the movie.   
  
Their couch couldn’t fit all eight which is why they placed blankets and pillows on the floor earlier, too. Hyunjin sat between Seungmin’s legs, back leaning against the couch. Jeongin for some reason chose to seat himself between Hyunjin’s legs, possibly because of how warm his chest felt against his back. Felix felt slightly jealous of their maknae, considering Hwang happily wrapped his arms around him. All Lix wanted was a hug, a head pat, or hair ruffle—anything, really. As long as he gets some affection. He did not have to turn around to know that Han sat sprawled over his boyfriend, with Chan hugging the two as well.   
  
Changbin did not spare Felix a glance, not even when the boy leaned his head against the older’s leg. Lee had watched the movie countless number of times before and it did not interest him that much. He only wanted his hyung to focus on him. The whole ride home, he thought Seo appeared to be avoiding and ignoring him. Later in the kitchen, Lix asked the older to pass him a bowl but Changbin walked off. At first, Felix tried telling himself he is overthinking again, but at this point, with him clinging onto his stupid leg like that, he realised his suspicions were correct. Seo Changbin was mad at him, and he had no idea why. They made up not so long ago, did he really manage to ruin it again already?   
  
Felix kept gently grazing his calf with his fingers, squeezing his leg from time to time, nuzzling his cheek in it and occasionally giving a gentle bite. Nothing proved efficient at making Changbin notice him. After twenty long minutes he gave up, threw the blanket off himself and stood up swiftly. Felix smiled at his members, mumbling a quiet “toilet” before dashing out of sight.   
  
Seungmin scoffed and smacked Changbin’s shoulder. “Pabo.”  
  
“Yah! I’m your hyung!” Changbin frowned, rubbing his shoulder gently. “What was that for?”   
  
“Do you really have to make him sad again?”   
  
“What’s going on?” Jeongin craned his neck to look at them. “Who’s sad?”   
  
“Felix is,” said Seungmin. “Changbin hyung’s being an asshole again.”   
  
“Yah.” Seo smacked him back. “Don’t push it. I didn’t do anything. He’s the one who kissed Chan hyung.”   
  
Jeongin got out of Hyunjin’s grip to sit next to him, facing the couch. Hwang turned around himself, looking up at Changbin with a small pout on his beautiful, bare face. The other three also seemed to take interest as Chan sat up properly, leaning forward a bit to look at Changbin.  
  
“You’re seriously still angry because of that?” Chan raised an eyebrow. Frankly, it slipped his mind to talk to Felix before they started watching, but that only proves how minor the issue was. Although he surely wouldn’t mind having Felix kiss him again.   
  
“Yes! Of course I’m angry, are you serious? He kissed you! First he has sex with Hyunjin, now he kisses you; what next? Maybe you’ll fuck him too?”   
  
“Hyung…” Jisung gasped quietly. Chan only pursed his lips into a tight line, staring at Seo in silence.   
  
“Alright, come on. Let’s focus on the movie!” Minho nudged their leader with his elbow, shooting Changbin a glare. Hyunjin shook his head as he stood up, leaving before anyone could ask what he’s doing. They knew the answer already, anyway.   
  
“Hyung, you still haven’t confessed to him?” Jeongin furrowed his eyebrows. Seo gave a nod, dropping his gaze to his lap. “If you’re uncomfortable with what he’s doing, just tell him. Otherwise I don’t think you can complain when he does things with others.”   
  
“Innie, don’t,” said Chan, voice quiet but stern. “Let’s not get involved. It’s their business, anyway.”   
  
“But he’s hurting Felix! That makes it our business, too!” Seungmin crossed his arms over his chest.   
  
“I’m not hurting him!”   
  
“You kind of are, hyung,” said Han. “I’m not saying you mean to do it! But I saw how sad he looked when you ignored him in the kitchen.”  
  
Changbin rolled his eyes, raising off the couch. “Whatever. You’re all always on his side. That’s so unfair.”  
  
“We just want you to understand your actions are really cold sometimes. Maybe to you it’s okay, but put yourself in his place. Wouldn’t you want an explanation, instead of silent treatment? You know how he got back then, please, don’t tell me you want him to go back to that state again,” said Chan. “I told you that before and I will tell you again. Either accept or reject him, and do it soon. This isn’t good for anybody.”   
  
“I don’t even like him,” Changbin scoffed, grabbing his blanket off the floor. Of course, Felix had to be the one to use it. “He just looks like a good fuck.”   
  
“Are you fucking serious?” Minho hissed, aiming a kick at his leg. Had Jisung not been sitting on him, he would’ve punched Seo already. “You’re such a dickhead when you get jealous. It’s so childish and unhealthy.”  
  
“I don’t need you to judge me. What do you know, anyway?” Changbin turned his back to them, striding towards the hallway.   
  
“I thought they would be together by now,” said Jeongin.   
  
“Haven’t we all,” sighed Jisung, hand gently rubbing Minho’s to calm him down. “I feel like they’re just never going to get together.”  
  
“Maybe they simply aren’t meant to be?” Seungmin shrugged.   
  
Chan shook his head. “Let’s just leave it to them for now. We’ve got other things to worry about.”  
  
  
  
“You know you can talk to me.”  
  
“I know, Hyunjinnie. You’ve said this like ten times already,” Felix sighed, resting his cheek on Hyunjin’s toned chest. “I’m fine. No need to worry, really.”   
  
The older kept one arm around the boy, playing with his soft locks with the other hand as they lied in Felix’s bed. “I know, I know. I just don’t like it when you keep it inside, you know? It worries me. I don’t want you to do something that will hurt you.”   
  
“Hyung, I’m really okay. I think I’m just being a bit annoying lately, that’s all. No wonder Changbin hyung’s fed up with me now.”   
  
“What? That is so not true.” Hyunjin poked his side, watching how he jerked and smacked his arm. “Don’t say anything like that again, or I’ll have to tickle you to death.”   
  
Lix whined, hiding his face in his chest. “But it is true!”   
  
“You’re never annoying, Bokkie. He’s just jealous.”   
  
“Jealous?” He raised his head a little. “Why would he be jealous?”   
  
“He said it’s because you kissed Chan. But don’t tell him I told you, I don’t want him to kill me.”   
  
“But that was just a little kiss!”   
  
“Well, to him it’s something only couples do. To many people, actually.”   
  
“I don’t like Channie hyung in _that_ way, though,” said the younger. Hyunjin patted his head.  
  
“I know you don’t. I’m just saying, not everyone, uh… kisses their friends. There’s nothing wrong with that! Changbin hyung’s just not used to it.”  
  
“So I really made him angry?” Felix sighed. “Do you think he still wants to be my friend?” _Do you think I still have a chance?_  
  
Hyunjin flicked his forehead lightly, smiling as the younger scrunched up his face. He looked absolutely adorable, like a little kitten. “Of course he does, silly. He’s just a bit angry, but you know how he is. Always so moody and grumpy. You two will be back to cuddling in no time!”   
  
Lix nodded and heaved a sigh again. “I really hope we will.” He laid his head back on the other’s chest. “I don’t want him to hate me.”   
  
“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. Currently, I am the one receiving all of his hate,” Hyunjin chuckled.   
  
“I’m sorry.”   
  
“It’s not your fault.”   
  
“Still. I’m sorry about all this. He’s being horrible to you and won’t listen to me, so I stopped asking him to talk to you because I was scared he’d get angry again. That’s so selfish of me. Maybe if I kept trying, he would’ve talked to you by now.”  
  
“No, don’t say that. Don’t blame yourself, Lix. I’m the one who… you know. It’s my fault, and I guess I deserve his anger.”   
  
Felix threw his leg over Hyunjin’s body to move closer. “You know I forgave you, right?” _You weren’t the one who hurt me._ “I don’t want you to still feel guilty.”   
  
“I just, I really didn’t mean to pressure you so much.”   
  
“I know. It’s okay. I agreed to it, yeah? Let’s forget about it.”   
  
“I’m not sure if I can,” said Hyunjin. Felix wasn’t sure if he could, either, but he preferred to hide it and later hurt all alone, in the middle of the night. “I didn’t even give you time to think, and it was your first time and I should’ve made it special, I’m so—”  
  
“It wasn’t my first time,” Felix whispered, keeping his stinging eyes on the wall.   
  
“Huh?”   
  
“It wasn’t my first time, Hyunjinnie.”   
  
The older blinked. “But before you said you’ve never…?”   
  
“It’s—” Lix closed his eyes, clutching his hand on Hwang’s shirt. Hyunjin noticed the slight tremble, frowning as he placed his hand on top of Felix’s. “—complicated. Just… forget it. Leave it. I-I have to go.” In a matter of seconds Lee was already by the door, leaving the black-haired man no time to react.   
  
“Lix, wait!”   
  
But Felix was already gone.   
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kind of short but well... it's as good as it gets, I suppose
> 
> Please enjoy and don't kill me <3

  
  
  


Hyunjin chose not to chase after the boy. 

Felix disappeared in a matter of milliseconds, something he would only do when he felt uncomfortable. Hwang wanted to run after him, to tell him that it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to speak. He knew Felix well, and the younger wouldn’t appreciate comfort now. Lee needed to take his time. Once he feels better, he’ll come around.  _ He always does. _

Nevertheless, Hyunjin felt this malicious gripping sensation in the pit of his stomach every time he recalled how tense and afraid his friend became. It’s not like he would judge Felix for not being a virgin any longer—Hyunjin himself had sex many times before Lix—and he simply couldn’t understand why this upset him so much. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself this just probably reminded Felix of his ex, he couldn’t ignore the unsettlement that cloaked over his body. People surely don’t react like this only because they remembered their exes. 

“Yah, where’s Felix?”  
  
“He left. I thought he might go to you,” said Hyunjin, raising his head to look at Minho standing in the doorframe.   
  
“He must be really upset now, eh?”   
  
Hyunjin shrugged. “Didn’t seem that bothered. I suppose he was just trying to look tough or something. I’m sure he does feel sad.”   
  
“He has every reason to do so,” said Minho, approaching the bed to sit beside the younger. “Changbin really needs to get rid of his weird habits. He acts as if it’d be a crime for him to like Felix. Do you think he’s homophobic?”   
  
“Hyung, he literally listens to Jisung talk about you all the time. I’m sure if he was homophobic he would’ve said or done something already. And I’m sure he wouldn’t fall in love with a man.”   
  
Minho chuckled. “Love isn’t exactly a choice. Some people who are gay act homophobic, you know? But I don’t know. I think Changbinnie is more afraid of simply _feeling_ than being attracted to a man. Though, you never know. Maybe he secretly hates me and Hannie.”   
  
“No, I’m sure he doesn’t. He loves you, trust me. And he’d do anything for Jisung, I swear. Him and Chan hyung baby that kid so much,” Hyunjin sighed dramatically. “So unfair.”   
  
“Aw, does our little Hyunjinnie wanna be babied?” Minho cooed, reaching out to ruffle the other’s black hair.   
  
“Ew, no!” Hwang smacked his hand away. “Not what I meant at all. Just, yeah, you get my point.” He leaned his back against the wall. “To be fair, Channie hyung babies everyone. Felix and Jeongin especially.”   
  
The older nodded. “It’s hard not to baby them two, though. Speaking of which, I guess I’ve got to look for our Lixie. Any idea where he might be hiding now?” He questioned, getting off the bed.  
  
“No.” Hyunjin shook his head. “But, hyung…”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
Hwang chuckled nervously, hands twitching in his lap. “Have you maybe, uh… had sex with Felix before?”   
  
Minho let out a quiet gasp as his eyes widened. “What?”   
  
“You don’t have to tell me!” The younger could feel his cheeks burn lightly. “I just, well, because he said I wasn’t his first time so I thought that you two, maybe… did it?”   
  
Lee pursed his lips into a thin line. He sat back down, at the edge of the bed, turning his head to focus his eyes on Jeongin’s bed instead. Felix swore he would never tell any of the others, begged Minho not to do so, either. None of the elder’s arguments nor pleas worked and he ended up agreeing to stay silent. It hurt, of course it did, but he had to do it for the younger. So why, in the world, did his fellow Lee say something like this to Hyunjin? What should he do now? Keeping it a secret still or lying about it didn’t feel right. They all deserved to know, and Minho had been dying to tell someone, anyone. What should he do?   
  
“I’m sorry, that was so rude! I’m sorry, hyung. I shouldn’t have asked, it’s none of my business and you’re with Jisung now. I was just curious, but it’s fine, you don’t have to tell me.”  
  
“I didn’t,” said the older after a long minute of suffocating silence. His hands curled in fists. “I never had sex with him.”   
  
Hyunjin tilted his head as he eyed him. “Are you okay?”   
  
Did he feel okay? No. _How much worse must Felix feel?_ “I’m fine. Just… this isn’t something I can talk about. It should be him, not me.”   
  
“Yeah, you’re right! You’re right. I don’t think he wants to talk about it, though. He just ran off somewhere.”   
  
“It’s not—don’t pressure him, okay?” Minho closed his stinging eyes. “I know you’re curious, but just, please, don’t. It’s best if he doesn’t tell you, anyway,” he chuckled bitterly, blinking fast. “Then you won’t have to struggle.”   
  
“Hyung? Is it really that bad?” Hyunjin frowned, shifting closer to wrap an arm around the elder. “You don’t have to talk about it if it makes you sad.”   
  
“I just don’t get it,” said Minho, leaning into Hwang’s body. A small tear ran down his cheek once he blinked. “If it hurts me so much to know, how can he act like it’s all fine? I know he’s hurting more, I know because I can see it everyday, but I just—it’s—” a quiet sob shook the older. “—my fault! My fault and he doesn’t even—”   
  
“Shhh, it’s okay, hyung,” Hyunjin whispered, engulfing him in a tight hug. Seeing the one and only, always serious and scary Lee Minho actually cry made him feel sick to his stomach. _What happened? What happened to Felix?_ “It’s okay. I’m sure it’s not like this, just calm down for me, yeah?” he threaded his hand through the brown hair as Minho whimpered in his shoulder. “I’m sorry I started this. Do you want me to get Jisung?”   
  
“Please,” Lee snivelled. The younger nodded to himself and patted his head before pulling away slowly. “Just… can y-you tell him something else?”   
  
“Yeah, alright. I’ll figure something out.” He stood up, giving Minho’s shoulder a tender squeeze. “Lay down, hyung. Sung will be here in a sec.”   
  
Minho did lay down, ignoring the fact this was not his bed and he probably should have asked for permission. Who cares about permission in this world, anyway? He clutched whatever plushie he could, hugging it tight with guilty tears dripping onto the bed sheets. Staying silent had been killing him from the beginning. Now it felt unbearable. They all had the right to know, they _should_ know, and they should tell someone, anyone who can bring justice. Anyone who can confirm Minho is the reason why it all happened, allow others to hate him for what he’d caused.   
  
“Minho?” _Hurry, Felix._ “Hey, what happened? Hyunjin said you’re upset.” _  
__  
__Hurry before I tell them._ _  
_ _  
_ _  
  
_***  
  
  
  
Felix must have been out of his mind. There was no other way to explain why he found himself standing in the middle of Chan and Changbin’s room with wet cheeks and so, so many words bubbling up his throat. Words he dared not utter.  
  
“What… what are you doing?” Changbin threw him a puzzled look. “Wait, are you crying?” He sat up on his bed, setting his phone aside.   
  
“No,” Felix whispered, taking a few steps closer. It felt as though his legs dissociated from his body, moving on their own unsteadily. “Hyung, can you cuddle me?”   
  
The older furrowed his eyebrows. For a second he appeared concerned, but soon his expression turned neutral. “Why don’t you ask Chan? I’m sure he won’t mind at all.”   
  
“Hyung,” Lix whimpered as more tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m not feeling well and I just want cuddles, why do you have to be mean? Am I really that big of a burden to you?” Changbin opened his mouth to reply but the boy already turned around. “I c-can go to Channie hyung, then.”   
  
“No! No, stay!” Changbin sputtered, leaping off the bed to stop him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… that. You can stay here if you want.”   
  
“You don’t want me to.”   
  
“I do, Bokkie. Come on.” He grabbed Lix’s hand to pull him towards his bed. Felix obediently followed, little sniffles filling the silence.   
  
Yongbok wrapped his arms around his beloved hyung the very second they laid down. Changbin spared him a delicate head pat—which made the boy only yearn for more—before pulling a blanket over them. Only then did his arm snake around his sunshine’s frail frame, pressing their bodies close.   
  
Seo wanted to stay angry. He wanted to be mad and make Felix feel bad and guilty, make him realise how inappropriate his behaviour is and how infuriating it is to see him treat others the same way he treats Changbin. It only seemed reasonable to do so. But he couldn’t.   
  
He hated to admit his heart sped up whenever the freckled boy got close, his belly filled with butterflies any time he saw that precious smile or heard his sweet giggle and sometimes he could not stop thinking about simply making Felix _his_ in every damn way possible. For the whole of his life he had been straight. Changbin _is_ straight, and to prove it he even forced himself to watch gay porn. It did not excite him much, if at all. The thought of doing this with the angel clinging onto him, though… that is a whole different story.   
  
Why couldn’t his heart go along with his preferences? Seo liked women, smaller than him, preferably. Sweet, polite, but happy to goof around and confident enough to speak her mind. Felix is certainly taller than him and barely has any confidence, as odd as it may be. _And he’s such a crybaby!_  
  
“Why are you crying now?” Changbin asked with a sigh. The freckled boy only buried his face in his chest. “Yah, tell me what’s wrong.”   
  
“Just wanna cuddle.”   
  
“You’re crying because you want to cuddle?”   
  
“Hyung, shush. Please,” Lix whined. “I got sad, can you leave it now?”   
  
The older man rolled his eyes. _Of course he won’t say anything. He’d surely tell Chan or Hyunjin, though._ “Fine. Not like I care,” he grumbled. Felix’s body slumped against his, resigned.   
  
“Sorry. I know you don’t care,” said the younger. Though Changbin’s body muffled the voice, the elder could clearly hear how his voice cracked. “I’m sorry I bothered you. I don’t know what I was even thinking.” Felix let go of Changbin, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip. _Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry._ Seo stared at him dumbly. “I’ll just, uh, go.”   
  
“Did that really upset you?”   
  
“You don’t have to be mean again. I know I’m pathetic and you hate me, okay? I know. Just save it for today, I’m really… I really don’t feel well. I’m sorry I made you angry earlier, and I’m sorry I wasted your time. I won’t bother you again.”   
  
“Oh, can you just stop it?!” Changbin sat up abruptly. “Why do you always have to fucking apologise?! Even when people are being mean to you? Stop acting like a hurt little girl and man up already!” Felix did not raise his head to look at him, and the older was glad in a way because he knew that Lix’s winsome face twisted with hurt.   
  
In silence, the boy rolled off his bed. He sat there, watching Felix as his shoulders shook as he walked yet he made no sound. Changbin found it hard to swallow for some reason, throat constricting when he realised Yongbok was crying again but this time because of _him_. It’s not like he meant it, either. Maybe a little. But it’s only because he spits out words without thinking! Not his fault he hates the way Felix always makes himself inferior to everyone.   
  
Felix opened the door slowly, clutching the knob tight enough to make his knuckles turn white. He took a shaky breath before speaking, “D-do you like me?”   
  
“What?”   
  
“Be honest, please. Yes or… or no?”   
  
Changbin watched him still, taking in every detail he could. How loose the white shirt hung on him. How incredibly soft and healthy his lilac hair looked. How tiny he appeared standing by their door, perhaps more so than Seo would, even if Lix is taller.   
  
“Changbin. Please,” Felix almost whispered, pleading. The elder knew why. He knew what he meant. ‘ _Accept or reject him, and do it soon’. As you wish, Chan._  


“No,” he breathed out. “I don’t like you. I’m  _ not  _ gay, Felix.”    
  
He noticed the other’s hand slip from the door knob. A small nod and a tremor of his legs. For a second he worried the boy might collapse. “I w-wanted to be your roommate for the tour,” Felix laughed mockingly, shaking his head as he choked back a sob. Changbin never heard him laugh like this before. “ _ I’m such a fucking idiot! _ ” He cried, wobbling out of the room.    
  
Maybe Seo did not feel too confident with his English, but he understood the message pretty well. Hearing their sunshine swear felt foreign, illicit. He never swore in front of them before. It would be pointless to chase after him, especially since he could hear someone’s footsteps approaching. Of course the rest heard him.    
  
“Felix? What’s going on?”    
“Why’s everyone crying today?”    
“What happened?”    
  
Changbin walked up to the door. For many long seconds he contemplated peeking out of it, stepping outside to apologise for always being such an asshole. He let out a sigh and closed the door quietly not to attract any attention.    
  
The room fell silent again.    


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: time for some quality Changlix content, it's chapter 14  
> The plot:...  
> Me: fluff and kisses-  
> The plot: NO 
> 
> Have I mentioned I love slow-burn? Probably should have put it in tags, I'm sorry. Don't give up on me, there's a lot of changlix moments to come (lol I'm so annoying sorry)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote the chapter and then.... forgot to post it. :). 
> 
> Writing articles and essays every single week along with a fanfic is tougher than it may sound haha I'm exhausted so sorry if the quality dropped, I spent a few days and suffered a few breakdowns trying to write   
> (I am okay I swear) 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this one more than I did <3

  
  


Changbin had to admit he was an asshole, albeit a clever one.   
  
Hyunjin played mind games, and Seo did too. He knew Chan would room with Jeongin and Minho would stay with Jisung. Felix asked Seungmin to be his roommate, leaving Hyunjin and Changbin to stay together. Perhaps the freckled boy did it on purpose to force them to make up. If so, it worked.    
  
The elder apologised to Hwang even before they got to their hotel after the first concert, offering to forgive him. On one condition only; Hyunjin must make sure Seungmin ends up being his roommate instead. Honestly, Changbin almost laughed at how eager the younger appeared, not even a second of hesitation before he agreed. Not that Seo minded.   
  
Now, he knew he had no right to do this. Ever since he rejected Felix, the boy visibly started avoiding him, refusing any form of interaction between them. Though he would still make him food at night if Changbin came back late. Then he would pretend Jeongin made it which always sounded too adorable coming from him. Their maknae was as bad at cooking as Lix was at lying. Still, it warmed and crushed Seo’s heart at the same time. Clearly, Felix hadn’t gotten over his feelings and in a terribly selfish way, Changbin felt glad. Thinking about the younger falling for somebody else, cooking for them, silently (though quite obviously) looking out for them and looking at them with his sparkling puppy eyes—no, he would never let this happen. Whether he likes Felix or not, the boy likes him and it should stay that way.   
  
An asshole indeed.    
  
After rejecting the little sunshine he couldn’t stop thinking about him. _Felix, Felix, Felix_. Nothing else occupied his mind apart from Felix. Whenever Changbin had enough spare time to think, he couldn’t help wondering what the other was doing or who he was spending time with. That, in particular, seemed to bother him the most. For some reason, any time Lix stayed out of his eyes’ reach, Seo felt something stir in his stomach as his mind filled with unpleasant scenarios. Who could the boy be with? What could they be doing? It would have been much better if Felix stayed by his side at all times. Just in case.   
  
Sitting down on one of the beds, Changbin could not stop his foot from tapping on the floor. Thinking about spending so much time with the Aussie and maybe even getting a chance to speak to him, filled his body with buzzing excitement. It had been a long time since the two had a normal conversation, not an exchange of a sentence or two. He had to admit he missed spending time with the younger. Only because they used to be such close friends, that is.    
  
When he heard a faint beep from the door card reader, Seo could swear he almost started shaking with anticipation. Felix will finally drop the act and go back to clinging onto him like a puppy afraid to lose its owner.    
  
“Hey Minnie, I got us some drinks,” his deep voice sang cheerfully. Changbin watched as the boy shuffled inside, struggling with his luggage and plastic bags filled with colourful objects, eyes fully focused on the floor. “And some snacks—” Felix’s smile faltered as he raised his head only to notice the older. “—too…”    
  
“Hi,” said Changbin, offering a warm smile.    
  
“Changbin?”   
  
“Do you need help?” The older already got on his feet, not waiting for an answer. “Must be heavy, I’ll take it.”    
  
Lix blinked. His eyebrows drew in together in a gentle frown, perplexed eyes fixed on Changbin. Did he get the room number wrong? “What are you doing here?”    
  
“Uh, living. Temporarily.” Seo shrugged, attempting to take the large duffle bag from the boy. Felix clutched it tight. “I’ll take it to your bed.”    
  
“No. I don’t need you to do that,” said the younger. “Why are you here? This is my room.”    
  
“It’s my room, too.”    
  
“No, it isn’t! I’m staying with Seungmin, not you!”    
  
Changbin shrugged. “Plans changed, he’s staying with Hyunjin. What, is it such a bad thing to room with me?”    
  
“Yes!” spat Felix, taking a step back. Now, the older man stood there confused. Felix’s eyes flashed with so much hurt, the other could feel it physically. “I’m not staying here. Where’s Seungmin?”    
  
“He’s in his room. You can’t go anywhere else, though, all the rooms—”    
  
“Then I’ll sleep in the hallway,” said Lix. His tone quietened down yet something malicious was seeping into his speech. Seo did not like it at all. “Enjoy your stay here.”    
  
“Don’t be stupid now.” Felix rolled his eyes, swiftly turning around to march to the door. “Yah!” Changbin grasped his arm. “You can’t do that.”    
  
“Why can’t I? Because you say so?”    
  
“Yongbok-ah, don’t be childish now. You can’t sleep there.”    
  
Felix scoffed as he freed his arm out of the older’s grip. “Why are you doing this?”    
  
“I just want to spend time with you. You’re still my dongsaeng, alright? And I’ve kind of missed being with you,” said Changbin, shifting from one foot to another. His cheeks burned softly, air filling with awkward tension.    
  
Just like Hyunjin, Changbin could be tremendously selfish. Had he thought about how Felix would feel being tricked into staying with the man who broke his warm heart? No. Definitely no thoughts focused on the Aussie.  Seo wanted to keep him close and that is all he focused on.    
  
“I’m sorry,” mumbled Felix. “I’m just, uh, not ready yet?”    
  
“Ready for what?”    
  
The boy sighed, shaking his head as he pushed past him. “You won’t get it, hyung.” He set his bags on one of the beds. “This is my bed and my side. Keep your stuff on your side of the room. Please don’t speak to me. I won’t spend much time here anyway.”    
  
“Huh? Why shouldn’t I speak to you? Then what’s the point of even being roommates if we won’t speak?”    
  
“I don’t know,” said Felix with a shrug. “I never said I want to be roommates with you. You brought this upon yourself so respect my rules.”    
  
“Oh, you’re being ridiculous!”    
  
“Then get Hyunjin to swap with me.” Lix offered another shrug and went to the mini fridge. Changbin wanted to scream and punch something. Or maybe Felix.

_ Why does he have to be such a brat about this?  _ It’s not like he hates spending time with Seo. Ever since they met, Felix had always been the one desperate to have some private moments with him. No matter how many times Changbin subtly rejected him or acted quite mean.  _ Why isn’t it working now?!  _ _   
_ _   
_ As Felix crouched beside the fridge to fill it with their drinks, Changbin moved from his awkward standing spot to sit on his own bed. It felt impossible to take his eyes off of the younger, even if all he could admire was his behind. When it came to this angel, anything and everything seemed breathtakingly beautiful.    
  
“And also,” Lix stood up to glance at him. “don’t stare at me. Don’t speak, don’t stare; act like I’m not here, yeah?”    
  
“What do you even mean?”    
  
“I’m leaving now.” Felix did not look back as he strolled towards the door. Not even a word of explanation could be heard.    
  
Changbin hastily raised off his seat again. “Leaving? Where are you going?!”    
  
Felix was already gone.    
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
“So, how’s your little plan going?” Hyunjin questioned as he sprawled himself on the bed, legs resting on Changbin’s lap. “Doesn’t seem like it’s working.”    
  
Seo rolled his eyes. “Shut up. It will work, he just needs some time.”   
  
“Honestly, hyung. I don’t think this is the right way to go about it. I only agreed to this because I wanted my friend back, but this really is a terrible idea. How do you see this, anyway? You’ve been a real asshole to him earlier.”    
  
“No, I wasn’t. I was only an asshole when I rejected him.”    
  
“Still. His feelings were hurt. Forcing him to stay with you sounds… weird,” said the younger. His head tilted to the side, curious eyes gazing at Changbin. “Why are you so bothered, anyway? You  _ did  _ say you don’t like him.”    
  
“Not in the way he likes me! He’s still my friend, okay? I do like him, just not romantically. Is that so hard to understand?!”    
  
Hyunjin smiled prettily. Honestly, Seo was convinced Hwang could never look ugly, especially not when that heavenly smile adorned his godly face. “Is it really so hard to understand that you are attracted to him?”    
  
“Yeah but not like that!”    
  
“Not like me? Yeah, certainly. I don’t love him or want to be with him, but I genuinely wouldn’t mind spending nights with him. You, on the other hand—you’re jealous. You get jealous, you seek his attention all the time and don’t think I haven’t noticed how you try not to smile when he acts cute.”    
  
Changbin huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “That is not true and even if it was, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m straight.”    
  
“So am I,” said Hyunjin. “Yet here I am. Had sex with a man whom I find undisputedly hot.”    
  
“You know words like ‘undisputedly’?” Changbin raised an eyebrow. The younger only gave him a light kick to the side in response. “Alright, sorry. But you see, the thing is that I don’t like him. I’m not attracted either. I mean, it’s… it’s just complicated. He’s just different from people you usually see in Korea, so yeah. That’s all.”    
  
“Oh god,” Hyunjin giggled and shook his head. “You’re kinda cute sometimes, hyung.”    
  
“I know I am. Have you really only noticed now?”   
  
“Yup, I’ve never seen you so desperate to lie to yourself before.”    
  
“Yah, I’m not!”    
  
“You are. Don’t even try to argue. We all know how it is, hyung. There’s nothing you’ve got to prove to us, seriously. If you wanna pretend you don’t like him, then fine. Do as you please, just stop rambling so much.”    
  
“Don’t you think you’re getting a bit rude?” the older squinted his eyes at him and patted his leg. “I will talk as much as I want.”    
  
Hyunjin let out a groan, “Anything but that!”    
  
Changbin opened his mouth to complain but all he wanted to say left his mind when he heard the door opening and closing quietly. “Felix?”    
  
“Mhm.” The boy kicked off his shoes and silently glided towards his bed. “Hi, Hyunjinnie.”    
  
“Hi baby,” Hyunjin chuckled. Seo sent him a glare.    
  
“Hey, Yongbokie? Can you give me a massage?” Changbin moved Hwang’s legs off of himself in order to turn around and look at his angel. Felix merely glanced at him, silent. “My back really hurts and I feel like I won’t be able to perform tomorrow…”   
  
“Hyunjin can do it.”    
  
“Huh? No! No, he cannot.”    
  
“Why would that be?”    
  
“Because he’s busy. Very busy,” said Changbin, waving his hand at Hyunjin. “Off you go now, go deal with your uh, stuff.”    
  
Hyunjin snorted quietly, eyes sparkling with amusement. Felix looked the very opposite, softly glaring at him. “Yeah, I’ve gotta call my parents. Have fun here, you two.”    
  
“See you later.” Changbin smiled. Good, at least this is working. “So? Can you help, please?”    
  
“You can literally go ask someone else. Why are you being like this? I’m not mad at you or whatever, so please just leave me alone.”    
  
Changbin furrowed his eyebrows. “Can’t we move on? Put it past us and just be friends again?”   
  
“I told you I’m not ready yet.”   
  
“Why? What is so hard about it? Just forget that thing ever happened; done.”    
  
Felix sat on his own bed with a sigh. “We can be friends, sure. But I don’t want to be close. Physically close, okay?” he lowered his head, picking at the skins around his nails. “I don’t want to fool myself again.”    
  
“You’re always cuddling the others and you don’t get any ideas, do you? So just treat me the same.”    
  
“But you just don’t get it. It’s not the same with them, hyung, why can’t you understand?” Felix winced a little as he ripped off a flake of the skin. “I’m sorry, I really am. I don’t know why it’s you, but I can’t help it so please, give me more time.”   
  
“Well you don’t seem too upset though. You’re not even crying or anything.”    
  
“Crying is no indicator of how much something affects us. This is pointless, you won’t get it anyway.” Lix shook his head and folded his hands in his lap politely. “I’m sure you will understand once you fall in love with someone,” he mumbled and with another quiet sigh, got off his seat. “I’ll be going now.”   
  
“What? Wait, where? You only just came back.”   
  
“I’ve got an arrangement.”   
  
“Well, can’t you move it? Do it tomorrow or something?”    
  
“Why would I?”    
  
Changbin scratched the back of his neck. “I’m kind of lonely without you?”   
  
“Oh. That’s sweet,” said Felix, already approaching the door. “Maybe some other time.” And with that, he left the older.   
  
Maybe Changbin got a little ahead of himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I planned to keep this one kinda short and post another chapter tomorrow BUT I am not sure if I will be able to do that and in case this doesn't work out, the next chapter will be a longer one 
> 
> Btw I wouldn't mind if you'd choose to share whether you prefer them long or short ^^


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me around 3 hours to write this one, please it give some love :((

  
  
  
  
“I just don’t get it,” said Felix. A frown present on his flawless face, lost eyes blindly staring at the plastic venti cup. With his small hand, he kept balancing the cup on one side, then the other, unbothered of any accidental spillage that could occur. A lid has a purpose, after all. “Why is he being like this?” 

“He realised he’s an idiot?” Seungmin shrugged. “Yah, can you stop that already? Just drink it.”    
  
“Uh?” Lee looked at him confused, then glanced back at his drink. “Oh, right. Sorry.” he set it down properly, heaving a sigh. “He isn’t an idiot, Minnie. What would that have to do with this, anyway?”    
  
Seungmin rolled his eyes and placed his phone on the table. “Look, Lix. You are both my friends but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been a real dickhead to you at times.”   
  
“Dick...dickhead?”   
  
“Aish, don’t repeat that! And don’t say it in front of the others, they’ll go all mad again.  _ Anyway _ , my point is, he was sometimes really mean but you always forgave him. He could say or do whatever he wanted and he  _ knew  _ it didn’t matter because you’d be running back to him in no time, like a desperate dog clinging to its owner. Now,” Seungmin took a sip of his coffee and smacked his lips before he continued, “it’s not like that anymore and he’s probably confused.”   
  
“So that’s why he makes everyone switch rooms until I have to stay with him? It’s the third time already!”    
  
And it was true. They were sat in a cosy café in France, the third country they travelled to. They already had Spain and Germany behind them, and every single time Felix went to his new hotel room, he would find Changbin already waiting. The other members clearly did not mind letting Seo do as he pleases. Or maybe they stayed unaware of the trouble he causes their angel.    
  
Seungmin only shrugged, though his lips twitched in a smile. “Maybe he is the one getting desperate now. He’s probably just angry because you barely give him any attention. Don’t bother asking him, though; he’ll never admit it out loud.”   
  
“I don’t think so,” said the younger. “He often complained when I hugged him and stuff. And he was angry if I was staring during lives or interviews.”    
  
“Yeah, that’s only because he can’t accept the fact he’s whipped for you. I don’t know what happened in his life and all that jazz, but I doubt this is coming out of nowhere. He probably needs time to himself.”    
  
“Well, that won’t happen if he keeps making me his roommate!”

“True. Maybe he doesn’t need that, then. I guess he just wants your cuddles or something.”

“You’re very bad at advice,” said Felix.

“Who’s bad at advice?” Jeongin questioned as he took a seat beside the Aussie. “Hey, why didn’t you order for me?”

“Seungminnie. And you can order whatever you want, I’ll pay.”

The youngest grinned, squeezing Felix tight. “Thanks! You’re the best, hyung.”

“Of course I am.” Lix smiled, grabbing his phone to get his card. “Here, go order. Don’t look at the price.”

“Ah, don’t act like you’re all rich now,” Seungmin snorted. Felix rolled his eyes. “Well, you know who’s actually rich? Changbin hyung.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Nothing. Guess he’s just rubbing off on you.”   
  
“I just wanted to treat our maknae. There’s nothing weird or wrong with that. I’m not trying to act rich,” said the older. “It’s not like he ever treated me, anyway. Changbin hyung, I mean.”   
  
“What? You’re kidding.”    
  
Felix shook his head. His fluffy, newly dyed pink hair swished gracefully. An action, a sight absolutely normal. Yet here Seungmin was, mesmerised. “If he bought food for everyone, then yeah, I could have some. But he never really like, took me out to treat me. I usually paid, unless I forgot my money or something. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that!”   
  
“Lix.” Seungmin casted his eyes down. Looking at the beauty in front of him would be dangerous.  _ Get a grip, he literally just breathed.  _ “You’re telling me you’ve been spending money on him with getting nothing in return?”   
  
“I never asked for anything in return.”

“Because he should know this isn’t how it works! Stuff like this shouldn’t be one-sided, you both are working adults, you both can spend money.”    
  
“Minnie, I don’t mind.” Felix smiled, reaching across the table to take the younger’s hand. “Don’t worry about this, okay?” he rubbed Seungmin’s hand. “I’m fine with how it is. Well, how it was. I wanted to spend money on him so I did, and that’s okay. I don’t care about how much I spend if I can make someone happy doing so.”    
  
Seungmin only shook his head, eyes falling to their hands. Lix’s hand looked adorable, as always. Tiny, like a little paw. Certainly as soft as one. It appeared smaller wrapped around his hand, even though the younger did not have incredibly big hands. Average at most. It only made this cuter.    
  
“I got a milkshake, hyung. I promise it wasn’t too expensive,” Jeongin hummed, plopping beside the eldest of the trio. “What did I miss?”    
  
“Nothing, don’t worry.” Felix withdrew his hand to ruffle Jeongin’s hair with it. Their maknae whined, smacking his hand lightly. Lix did notice the little smile he tried to hide. “Since you’re here now, should we go for a walk? The weather’s nice and I wanna take some pictures!”    
  
Seungmin cleared his throat, gripping his own cup. “Sure. Anything you want, Felix.”   
  
“You’re amazing.” He grinned.    
  
To both Seungmin and Jeongin, the murky winter day became a warm sunny spring day, one that puts the whole country in a good mood. All because of the pink-haired boy with the brightest smile and a galaxy spattered on his face. The sun and the moon, both in one person. Remarkably powerful. Awfully perilous. 

***

The last thing Felix expected to happen must have been getting dragged out of his hotel room by Changbin, no word of explanation given. Poor boy, barely took a step inside the room before a hand firmly clutched his own. He would be lying if he attempted to say it did not make his tummy feel warm. Seo Changbgin held his hand, willingly—of course it made the butterflies come back to life!    
  
But this was still Changbin, the one who explicitly rejected him. The one who seemed to have played with Lix’s feelings, not bothering to pretend he cared. Felix simply couldn’t make it easy for the elder. No matter how much he wanted to drop this whole facade, cling onto him and cry, beg for him to just pretend, just cuddle him for some time and act as if Lee still has a chance. He couldn’t. Felix wanted to cry. To cry, and scream, and hurt himself over and over again because of all the guilt, disgust and the pain he causes others and himself, because of how draining and painful keeping everything inside felt. Lee Felix is an idol. None of this would do anyone any good. He nearly broke the group apart before, letting everything out now would surely not make this better.    
  
Felix had to get stronger and he swore he would try until he fails. Then he shall perish.   
  
“What are you doing? Hey, let me go, hyung!”    
  
“Shh, you’ll disturb someone.” Changbin squeezed his hand lightly as they stepped outside the hotel. “You trust me, right?”    
  
The younger furrowed his eyebrows. “What are you doing?”   
  
“It’s a surprise.”   
  
“I don’t want a surprise. Please, just leave me alone. I’m tired and I don’t want to spend time with you.”    
  
Changbin pretended he did not feel his stomach drop at the younger’s words. He halted his steps to look at him. “I promise you’ll like it, okay? Felix it’s been weeks. We’re still Stray Kids, still family. You can’t avoid me forever.”    
  
“I can try,” he mumbled. Though Lix did not want to go anywhere with his hyung, especially not without anyone else accompanying them, he made no attempts at resisting. Changbin could easily manhandle him, anyway. “Why are you so stubborn?”    
  
“I told you like a thousand times already: I miss you.”    
  
_ Miss me?  _ Felix thought it sounded funny. Can a person miss someone who they barely even knew? Changbin probably didn’t even know whether Lix has siblings. He dares miss him now? Miss who exactly?   
  
“Felix. Just give me a chance? You won’t regret it.”    
  
“Where are we going?”  _ Don’t break, Lee Felix.  _ _   
_ _   
_ “On a walk?” Changbin offered a nervous smile. “It will be cool.”   
  
“You’re still holding my hand,” said Felix. The elder glanced at their hands then back at the boy again. “We’re in public.”   
  
“Yeah? I know?”   
  
“You said you’re not gay. Aren’t you worried people will think otherwise?”    
  
Seo hummed, eyes filling with realisation. “Aren’t friends allowed to hold hands? Is it only exclusive to female friends?”   
  
“Um, no. That’s not what I—”   
  
“Then it’s fine. We’re  _ friends.  _ We can hold hands.”    
  
“Or you can let me go.”   
  
“No,” said Changbin. “I want to make sure you’ll stay,” he added.   
  
Not giving Felix any time to reply, the older started walking again. To Lix, he appeared confident, as if they weren’t in a foreign city for the first time. Did he even know where he was going? None of them have been to France before. Surely, he couldn’t know Paris.   
  
“Hyung? Are you sure this is the right way?”    
  
“Yes.”   
  
Felix pulled at his hand lightly. “I’m serious.”    
  
“I’m being serious, too.” He glanced at the younger. “What, do you think I’m just bluffing?”    
  
“Well…”    
  
“I know where I’m going. Trust me.”    
  
The younger hummed, looking around. His hand felt warm in Changbin’s hold, more comfortable than he would’ve wanted it to. Ignoring his racing heart and those damned butterflies proved to be hard, but admiring the architecture and people around made it easier. Paris seemed like a busy city, not that it surprised him at all. A capital, a must-visit for people worldwide. A city bound to be busy. At least it had its own charm.    
  
People walked past them leisurely, enjoying the gentle cold nipping at their skin. A busy city where nobody seemed to be rushing. Felix liked that.  _ We’ve not enough time as it is. No point in rushing.  _ _   
_ _   
_ “You know, people call Paris ‘the city of love’,” said Changbin. Lix snapped his head to the side to look at him, slightly taken aback. “It kind of suits it. I mean, there’s couples everywhere. And the scenery is nice.”    
  
“I… guess?”    
  
“It’d be a shame to visit Paris without a date, no?”    
  
Felix almost stopped walking. “W-what do you mean?”    
  
Changbin caressed his silky hand with his thumb. “We’re in Paris, the city of love. We should do what’s right and love, shouldn’t we? At least for the time being.”    
  
“I don’t think that’s necessary.”    
  
“I do.” Seo hummed, looking around. “So that’s why we’re going out.”    
  
“I’m not following?”    
  
“You’re my date, silly.”    
  
Felix tripped over his own feet, not fully registering the fact his  _ friend  _ caught him before he could fall.  _ You’re my date. His date. I’m his date?  _ This didn’t make any sense. Changbin said he is not gay. Changbin said he doesn’t  _ like  _ him. Changbin said many mean things to him before. Changbin never cared.  _ Shouldn’t this be Hyunjin?  _ Hyunjin, so perfect he can easily make straight men swoon. Surely, the elder should have chosen him as his date.    
  
Why would he say that, anyway? Just earlier he emphasised they were just friends, and now they’re on a date? How did that make any sense? Changbin must have lost his mind. Definitely.    
  
“Oh, here.” Felix felt himself being pulled somewhere. Too lost in his thoughts to notice his surroundings. His face was burning, stomach churning in a good way, heart overworking steadily. “Want some pastry? You can’t come to France and not try any.”    
  
He needn’t reply for Changbin already dragged him inside a small pastry shop. Felix could only blink, blankly staring at his handsome colleague. A date? This is a date? God, he didn’t even wear nice clothes and had no makeup on! This is so unfair, nobody should show up to a date looking so messy, he should be all pretty for the older.  _ What am I doing?! I should hate him. _   
  
Seo placed their order in English, which Lix found quite cute once his brain managed to register the sounds. He had a thick accent, but so did the employee. Both sounded lovely to him. Some stuck up people hated foreigners’ accents but Felix adored them instead. Especially if one of the people having such accent was his Changbin hyung.    
  
“I got you a drink, too. You look cold.”    
  
“Uh, thanks?”    
  
“You like sweet, right? I got some sweet ones,” said the older, leading him to one of the empty tables. In the middle of it stood a small sign with  ‘ Réservée’ written on it.  _ He reserved the table?  _ “Bokkie, you alright?”    
  
Bokkie. “Y-yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little… yeah.” By now, Felix knew even his ears would be tinted rosy pink.    
  
“A little what? Is something wrong?”    
  
“No, no. It’s fine,” said the younger. He quickly took a seat, keeping his head low. Friends do this all the time, right? He shouldn’t feel so giddy and shy. “Thank you.”    
  
Changbin smiled, taking a seat opposite the boy. “You’re welcome. I figure you might like this place, it’s quite… I don’t know. It’s just very Felix-like.”    
  
“What is that supposed to mean?”    
  
“It reminded me of you when I saw it.” Changbin placed the tag aside. “I saw the pictures and thought ‘Wah, Felix would love it there’. And we have a day off so I thought, why not take you? We haven’t been out in a while.”    
  
“You said it’s a date?”    
  
He nodded. “Well, yeah. I mean, we’re in Paris. It’d be depressing not to go on a date, I told you.”    
  
Felix raised his head to eye him warily. “A date date?”    
  
“If you want it to be that.”    
  
“I don’t understand,” said the younger. His plump lips formed into a pout. “You said you’re not gay.”    
  
“Yes.”   
  
“You said you don’t like me.”   
  
“Yeah, I know. You remind me of that like every single day.”    
  
“Then why are you doing this? It doesn’t make sense!”    
  
Changbin shook his head with a smile. “You’ll get it eventually. Don’t be all against me now. I know I made a mistake and I am trying to make up for it, can you let go of the past? For me?”    
  
_ For you. I’d do anything for you.  _ “I…”    
  
“I’m not saying you have to. I mean, if you… if you hate me, then it’s okay. You can leave. I won’t bother you again.”   
  
“Changbin, please, don’t—”    
  
“I’m not! I’m not trying to guilt trip you,” said Changbin. “I swear. It’s your choice. I dragged you here against your will, sorry for that. But if you really can’t forgive me, it’s okay. To be fair, I probably deserve a slap or two. Or maybe more. I’m sorry I made you feel so bad before.”    
  
Felix stared at him with his doe eyes, looking for a trace of a lie. It seemed rude of him to do so, but he had to make sure. He did not want to be hurt by him again. If he forgives him now, what will they be, anyway? They’re on a date, an actual, proper date, yet they will stay friends? Would it be enough for him? No. No, it wouldn’t. Lee did not want to be just a friend, just a younger brother. A selfish desire is what he felt yet he did not try to get rid of it. It is not wrong of him to want something more. Maybe as an idol he shouldn’t think that way but he will always be a human before he is a celebrity. They all will. They all have feelings and needs, and are capable of feeling longing and desire, just like most people are.    
  
A young man brought a tray filled with pastry. Plates and plates of various treats: croissants, madeleines, macaroons, eclairs and so many more Lix did not know the names of. He wished them a “ Bon appétit!” and disappeared with the reservation tag once he set their drinks down at last.  _ It looks expensive.  _ _   
_ _   
_ “Felix?” Changbin was looking at him with a gentle frown. His face screamed nervousness as he scratched the back of his neck. “You can go if you want…”    
  
“I know,” said Felix. He focused on the busy table, moving one of the cups closer when he spotted the marshmallows. Hot chocolate sounded heavenly right now.    
  
The older let out a sigh when he noticed his doings. His shoulders visibly relaxed and although he tried to keep his face stoic, the smile forming on his face could not be hidden. “Okay. Well, enjoy.”    
  
Felix knew he should get up and leave him to wallow in misery and despair. But it’s been so long, too long since the last time he spent time with the older. No matter how often Lix tried convincing himself he can do just fine without Changbin, he always found himself longing for him even more. Yearning for his touch, attention, scent—anything, as long as it’s Seo Changbin.

Letting his guard down could turn out to be a terrible mistake. But for now, Felix wanted to stay and enjoy this. Move on and leave the bad stuff in the past. He couldn’t do it for himself even if he wanted to.    
  
He can do it for Changbin hyung. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too bad omg anyway next chapter might be cute hehe  
> (we gotta get some fluff come on Lix suffered enough)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this chapter happened
> 
> Don't kill me after you read <3

  
  
  
Felix enjoyed their time greatly. For the first time in a while, he ate what he wanted without worrying about calories or how fat he will become. Eventually the guilt will come, late at night or the next day but for the time being, he ate as much as he could—he was starving—and listened to his Changbin intently.    
  
Seo had been right about the fact it has been ages since they spent quality time together. Hearing his voice all afternoon along with admiring all the little smiles Seo managed, came with a pleasant feeling of satisfaction. It happened to be just what Felix needed in order to realise that maybe his life can get better. Maybe it isn’t as bad as it feels at times. Perhaps dwelling on his past should stay in the past solely. Lix wholeheartedly wished to leave it all behind, clear his mind of all those memories and start anew. Blatantly impossible yet his tired heart yearned for it. A small fantasy of his, a stupid little dream; that’s all it will ever be.    
  
As much as Felix wanted to pretend his members, Changbin especially, could help him forget it and get better, he knew how foolish the mere thought was. There will never be a day he will live without his mind buzzing in alert, seeking any possible danger, triggers, and sometimes sabotaging him cruelly, setting off the bomb when no danger can be seen. Felix will never live a day without the past nipping at him one way or another. It hurt. It scared him. Only one thing could spare him from hearing his voice and seeing his face, feeling those dirty hands manhandling him as they pleased. The one thing he could not gather the courage to do, though often wished he could. It scared him how trapped he was, with such a limited choice. For now, he chose to hold on a bit longer.   
  
“Right, ready to go?” he looked up to see Changbin who watched him with a smile, holding the take-out box with their leftovers.    
  
“Yeah, yeah.” Felix nodded as he stood up.    
  
Going towards the door he acknowledged the sensation of longing already settling in the pit of his stomach. If it were up to him, this whole ‘date’ would last forever, not just an hour or so. He did not want to leave and go back to their room, afraid that the second they get back everything will turn out to be a dream. Maybe a part of him wished it could be a dream. At least then he wouldn’t have to feel guilty about forgiving the elder so easily.   
  
“Do you wanna see more of the city?”    
  
“I mean, I’d love to. I don’t think we have much time, though. We’ll be leaving soon.”    
  
Changbin let out a hum, hand catching Felix’s only to drag him somewhere again. “Come on then. We’ve still got time.”    
  
“Hyung, we don’t have time to explore the whole city in one day.”    
  
“I know. Just trust me, baby.” said the older, squeezing his hand gently. 

Lix nodded, turning his head to the side as if admiring the buildings, just to hide his rosy cheeks. Sure, other members—Hyunjin and Jisung—have called him ‘baby’ many, many times before. Maybe Minho did so once or twice, too. Yet he could not recall hearing his favourite hyung, Seo Changbin, ever using the pet name. Certainly not in English, as he did just then.    
  
Changbin stole a glance, maybe two. The whole afternoon a smile never left his face, and it only widened when he noticed the gentle tint on Felix’s freckled cheeks. A giddy feeling washed over him and for a second, maybe two, he thought of how lovely it would be to see the boy blush more often, all because of the older. Simply knowing he could make him shy brought a sense of pride which he knew it should not. Bin knew none of these feelings were right, none of his actions were right and none of his stupid, weird thoughts were right. But what was right? Whenever he tried ignoring all of these the only result seemed to be hurting their sweet, vulnerable sunshine. It hurt the boy, and it hurt him, too. Seeing Felix upset could crush anybody’s heart, and seeing him upset because of the older caused more pain than Changbin wanted to admit.    
  
“You know, I’m really happy you gave me a chance. I mean it, truly. I know I didn’t act well. Like, seriously. And I’m not saying this just because Minho nearly killed me or because the others forced me to,” Changbin hummed. The younger turned his head to look at him, dark eyes glittering from the streetlights. “As I’ve said before, I’m not… you know. Uh, I’m not into men.”    
  
Felix blinked. A dream. Must have been a dream, and now it is all going to fall apart again. “I don’t—”   
  
Seo squeezed his hand again. “No, let me finish. I’m not gay. I don’t like men in the sexual or romantic way, or whatever.  _ But _ —” he halted his steps, making Lix stop too. Felix could feel his heart growing excited, full of anticipation. Changbin felt his heart hammering in his chest, hands getting clammy.  _ God, I hope he can’t feel that sweat.  _ “—I just think I might… I like you.”    
  
“No,” said the younger, not giving it any thought. This is what he wanted, but why did it feel wrong?  _ ‘I don’t like you.’ ‘You’re just a whore. No one likes whores.’  _ “No, no you don’t. You told me you don’t.”    
  
“I know, but I’m telling you it’s different. I lied.”   
  
“You don’t like men. Am I not a man to you? Is it because I wear makeup?”    
  
“I wear makeup too, pabo. You are a man.”   
  
Felix pulled his hand away. “Then stop lying to me! Please. This is a nice… meet-up. Don’t ruin it now, not yet. Please.”    
  
“Yongbok-ah. I’m being sincere right now.” Changbin reached for his hand again. “We probably shouldn’t do this in public, but I don’t care. I know I lied and did many bad things, but I will make it up to you. Just give me a chance to prove it.”    
  
“How many chances have I given you already?” he asked, almost whispering as his bottom lip quivered. Perhaps even deciding to stay in that pastry shop was a terrible idea. Another one of his dumb mistakes. “I don’t expect you to like me. Okay? Don’t force it, it will only hurt me more if you lie.”    
  
“I’m not lying! Not now. I mean, I don’t understand it myself, but please, I don’t want to lose you. I hate it when you treat me like I’m invisible. Please, give me the rest of today to prove it.”    
  
Yongbok watched him intently, eyes filled with ambivalence and hope clashing against each other. Had Changbin been in his place, he knew he most probably would not bother with himself anymore. After all those times he played with that poor boy’s heart, asking for trust or another chance sounded appalling. Whether he did those things intentionally or not, the damage has been done. And whilst it never appeared to be a big of a deal to him, the younger had every right to think differently.    
  
“I like you, hyung,” said Felix, breaking the silence after a minute. He stepped aside to let someone walk past. Changbin hadn’t realised they stopped in the middle of a sidewalk. “A lot. You probably know. I feel stupid always telling you. I like you and I let you do a lot of things, but if you are just going to insult or hurt me later then don’t even bother.”    
  
“I promise I won’t.”    
  
“Okay. Okay, fine. I’m only doing this because the weather is nice.”    
  
Bin smiled. “Of course. Let’s go, shall we?”    
  
  
***    
  
  
“A boat ride?”    
  
“Yup.” Seo gave a nod. “It’s a  **sighs-sightseeing cruiseu.** ”   
  
Felix smiled at the English. “ **Sightseeing cruise? Nice.** ”    
  
“The website was in English! And I read it all and bought the tickets,” Changbin exclaimed proudly, ushering the boy towards the stairs to the roof seats. “Well, maybe my phone translated some bits.”    
  
“Ah, I’m sure you did well on your own. Thank you for putting the effort in.”    
  
“It’s nothing big. But I thought you might like it,” said the older, leading him to the seats closest to the bow.    
  
They wore no face masks or sunglasses, hoping that out of the crowd boarding with them nobody will try to interrupt their moment. At least Changbin hoped so. He did not want to worry about such minor things when Felix seemed to not care at all. If fans swarm them, they will end up being forced to retreat to their hotel.  _ They wouldn’t. Our fans are respectful.  _ _   
_ _   
_ “I think I will like it a lot,” said Felix. “Can I pay you back later? I don’t have my card with me.”   
  
“Pay me back? Why would you do that?”    
  
“You paid for the tickets and the food, hyung.”    
  
“Yeah, and I also invited you here. It’s only right if I pay,” said Changbin. “And you’ve paid for me many times before. I should return the favour, don’t you think?”    
  
“You’ve never paid before though?”    
  
“People change.”    
  
Felix hummed. “That’s funny because I literally spoke about this with Seungmin today.”    
  
“Oh, you did?” Seo chuckled, somewhat awkward. “What a coincidence!”    
  
“Hyung?” the younger tilted his head to the side as he glanced at his hyung. “He told you, hasn’t he?”    
  
Bin sighed, “Okay, fine. He did. But he only told me by accident! His main focus was scolding me. Very disrespectful.”   
  
“I thought he was on my side.”    
  
“Oh, he is. Trust me. I think they all are, maybe apart from Hyunjin. Well, okay, I may have tricked him into helping me so he probably is your ally, too.”    
  
“You tricked Hyunjin?”    
  
“A little. Nothing bad, you don’t need to worry about it. Let’s just leave that topic for now, hm?”    
  
Felix opened his mouth as if to say something but ended up closing it and giving a nod. He turned his head to look forward, watching people getting on the cruise. Changbin could not find the strength to do the same, focused on admiring all he could see in such dim light. Though he could not see much, he still managed to notice tiny spots that covered the boy’s cheeks, nose and temples. Seeing them made him feel content. How could the younger hate such a beautiful feature of his? 

Soon they took off, sailing through the city illuminated gold with all the lights. Felix marvelled at the architecture, enjoyed the cool breeze sweeping over him. His eyes wandered from one place to another, not wanting to miss any detail. Changbin’s eyes wandered between the city and the boy. Unsurprisingly, the younger looked as beautiful as always. Perhaps even more so with his excited orbs soaking in anything they could see and those perfectly plump raspberry lips parting slightly. Bin’s eyes lingered on his lips more often than they should have.    
  
“This is nice,” said Felix. Truthfully, Seo did not catch what he said but hummed in agreement anyway. 

Their whole date consisted of quite mundane activities yet they brought him more joy than expected and Changbin hated how much he wished this day would never end.    
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Before they had gone back to the hotel, Felix dragged Changbin into one of the supermarkets they would have walked past. A great amount of politely asking the older to pay was involved as the pink haired boy skipped between the aisles. Frankly, Seo would have agreed to pay without so many “‘please”s and “I’ll pay you back”s because having Lix making puppy eyes at him seemed to be enough. He had no idea how come he never paid for him much before.    
  
“Are you serious? That’s it?”    
  
“Yeah?”    
  
“We’re in Paris, Felix.”    
  
“I know,” said the younger. He stood by the body wash shelf, carefully picking up every single scent of the bar soap he could find.    
  
“We are in France and you drag me to a Carrefour to buy… soap?”    
  
Felix shot him a quick, distasteful look before he returned back to reading the labels. “It is nice soap.”    
  
“It’s cheap, drugstore soap.”    
  
“Yah! It is cheap and it’s good, I love it! Don’t ever disrespect Le Petit Marseillais again.” He pouted, hugging all the bars as best as he could. “I don’t see them often in Korea.”    
  
“Lixie-yah, you use luxurious body lotion but buy the cheapest soap you can find?”    
  
“Expensive is not always better. Hyung, I will be the one using them, not you. Don’t worry. Go spend millions on some fancy body wash which won’t even smell for long.”    
  
Changbin sighed, taking some of the soaps from the younger’s arms. A mixture of various aromatic fragrances hit him pleasantly once he inhaled. “I’ll buy them for you… will you share? You can’t possibly use all of them before they expire.”    
  
Lix giggled, giving a nod. “I will still pay you back. But yeah, I can give you one or two.”    
  
“Well, I’m sure you don’t need eight.”   
  
“Never too many.” He grinned.    
  
Seo paid for it all and carried everything to their hotel, refusing to let go of the bags any time Lix reached for them—their hands touched so, so many times and he would lie if he said he did not like the feeling. They talked most of the way back, with Felix actually doing most of the talking for the first time in what felt like years. He talked about anything and everything, rambling on and on but the older did not mind. Deep inside he figured Lee just wanted someone to listen to whatever he had to say, and being that said someone was an honour to Changbin. Especially after how much time they wasted apart.    
  
Once they got to their shared room, the Aussie went straight for the mini fridge to grab a drink while still excitedly mumbling something about candles. Changbin set the bags down, making sure to put the one with their leftover treats somewhere nobody would step or sit. Hating the way their lovely day kept creeping closer to an end, he strode over to the boy who only just stood up with two bottles in his hands.    
  
“So I thought I should buy them, but they are so expensive! They smell so nice and look cute but do I want to pay—”   
  
“Felix.”    
  
The younger turned around, flinching at how close his hyung managed to get. “Uh, sorry,” he mumbled sheepishly, dropping his gaze. “I must have bored you, right? I’m sorry. Want some ju—” he did not get to finish, yet again, as Changbin’s lips landed on his softly, silencing him effectively. Felix only managed a tiny noise of surprise, hold on the bottles loosening as his freckled cheeks burned.   
  
Not their first kiss though it felt just like that. Certainly different from the usual rushed, violent pecks and messy make-out sessions. This time, Lix felt his whole body tingle with ecstasy, heart hammering erratically. Seo cupped his small face delicately and caressed his cheek with his thumb which made the boy’s knees weak. Though Felix had always suspected Changbin was a soft person, the elder never treated him like this before. So gentle and careful, kissing him with something Lix hoped was love. Of course, he kissed back. Letting the bottles drop to the floor, he placed his hands on Changbin’s shoulder for support.    
  
Neither wished this kiss or day to end. Sadly enough, after a long minute Seo realised he hadn’t given them a chance to breathe properly. Afraid of accidentally hurting the younger he pulled away slowly, maybe stealing one last quick peck when he got a chance.    
  
He watched as Felix opened his eyes slowly with his pupils dilated adorably, face flushed and a giggle bubbling in his chest which he evidently tried to inhibit.    
  
“Are you making fun of me?”    
  
“No!” he giggled. “No. It’s just… nice.”    
  
Changbin furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re laughing because it’s nice?”    
  
“Yeah! I mean, sorry. I’m just happy,” said Felix. “And maybe a little nervous?”    
  
“Gosh, you’re such a dork,” groaned Changbin, still taking his hand to pull him towards the bed. “But still cute.”    
  
“Ah, hyung~”    
  
“I just kissed you. I am allowed to call you cute.”    
  
Lix plopped on the bed, head tilting to the side as he stared at him. “Really? Is that a rule?”    
  
“Sure.”    
  
“Nuh, I don’t think so. One kiss isn’t enough to give you that privilege.”    
  
“Is that right?” Felix nodded, yelping when Changbin pushed him back to hover above him with their faces a mere few centimetres apart. “Then I suppose I’ve got to kiss you more.”    
  
  
  
That night, Felix fell asleep with a smile on his face and zero nightmares disrupting his sleep.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must say that, sadly, there might be a delay with ch.18 since I will be busy the next week. I promise I will try my best :(


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!TW!! description of sexual assault (not exactly graphic/explicit ?)—I marked where it happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well considering the TW, yeah all I can say is this is quite sad. Please mind the tw, I marked the *** of that section 
> 
> I managed to post earlier and this chapter is longer than usual, too!

  
  
  
  
  
  
“Are you out of your fucking mind?”    
  
A question Felix expected. Minho’s handsome face appeared intimidating, with his eyes almost glaring and an angry frown drawing his eyebrows together. Lix found it quite amazing how much it contrasted with Jisung’s expression, who sat between his boyfriend’s legs with his back leaning on the elder’s chest, a smile adorning his face.    
  
“The ship is finally sailing, why so mad, Min?” Jisung laughed quietly. “We all knew this was coming, anyway.”    
  
“No, we did not,” said Minho. His eyes stayed on the youngest, staring him down though the worry in his eyes almost clouded his frustration. “Why would you even let him? He rejected you!”    
  
“I know, hyung. But he’s been so nice and he was trying really hard! We talked about it, okay? He was just scared and confused. He said he likes me.” Felix visibly beamed at the last part and buried his face in the couple’s bedsheets. Minho’s stern gaze faltered while Han cooed, reaching out to pat Felix’s head.

“Well, he’s probably manipulating you.”    
  
Jisung rolled his eyes, leaning back again. “He’s not some sinister villain, babe. And I doubt he’d even put that much effort into this if he really didn’t care. He’s too busy for that. Also, if he was trying to manipulate him then he probably would’ve done what Hyunjin did.”    
  
“They’re both a great match,” scoffed the older. “They spend so much time together, Hyunjin’s probably rubbing off on him!”    
  
“Hyung,” Felix whined, raising his head slowly to look at the two. They had always been an adorable couple and watching them so comfortable made him miss Changbin. He would love to sit like this with the elder, watching a movie or simply letting him work while they cuddled. “I love you. I know you’re worried, and I know it’s because you love me. But can’t you be happy for me? Changbinnie finally said he likes me! And we kissed! Haven’t you always been telling me you want me to be happy?”    
  
“I do want you to be happy, Lix,” said Minho.    
  
Before he could start with a ‘but’, Felix continued, “Exactly. You want me to be happy, and Changbinie makes me happy.” he sat up and crawled closer, inviting himself to straddle Jisung. “Don’t be so against him.”    
  
“He’s right.” Jisung nodded, wrapping his arms around the boy and patting his head a few times again. With the way they were sitting, Felix could still face Minho. “You can’t always be like this really overprotective dad, hyung. I mean, seriously, you’d complain about anybody willingly to date Felix.”    
  
“No I wouldn’t! This is not even what it’s about. I don’t mind that he wants to date Felix, I just don’t like the way he treated him before.”    
  
“It’s in the past now, you don’t need to worry so much,” said Felix, resting his chin on Jisung’s shoulder as the boy stroked his hair. “He apologised already. I really think he was sincere.”    
  
Minho sighed and leaned forward to place a loving kiss on his forehead. “I’m sorry, I just don’t want this to be like with Hyunjin.”    
  
“I don’t think it’d be the same, I mean, bet Changbin’s smaller than Hyunjin.”    
  
“Oh my God, shut up!” Lix groaned. “You’re terrible.”    
  
“Minho loves it though.”    
  
Minho shook his head. “I don’t know if I love you talking about others’ dicks, honestly.”    
  
“You literally just kissed Felix or something, shut up,” Jisung laughed. “I’m not thinking about them, I was just saying. It makes sense, no? I mean, if we’re talking proportions, Hyunjin’s bigger so everything else is also bigger, right?”    
  
“We were having a serious conversation here,” Felix grumbled though he couldn’t hide his small smile. “But I don’t know, maybe. Wouldn’t that mean most of us are small?”    
  
“You certainly are,” Han chortled. Felix gasped dramatically, leaning back to look at his twin. “What? Just spilling the tea.”    
  
“Jisung, we are literally the same height and everything. That would mean you’re tiny, too.”    
  
“There is a reason why you two are bottoms,” said the eldest, shrugging. Jisung craned his neck to squint his eyes at him for which he only received a quick peck on the nose. “What? It’s true. Anyway, this is so irrelevant! Can we just go back to the topic?”    
  
“Alright,” said Han. He turned to look at Felix again with this smug grin. “Was Hyunjin big?”    
  
“Jisung, that was  _ not  _ the topic!”    
  
Felix only brought his small hands up to cover his face, whining quietly. Over time he managed to pretty much forget about that time with Hyunjin and did not feel sad about that at all. Not remembering was much better since thinking about his friend, naked and in such intimate situation—too embarrassing. Maybe a tiny bit hot. But he has Changbin now and that is who he preferred to focus on.   
  
“Just wanted to see if my theory’s right!”    
  
“Go ask him if you need to know. I’m not telling you, weirdo.” Lix shook his head, pink strands jumping gracefully. 

“Fine.” Jisung’s hand ended up in his hair again, the boy unable to resist the temptation. Felix’s hair always looked incredibly fluffy. “I guess I will have to ask.”    
  
Minho scowled, flicking the back of his head. “You really are a weirdo sometimes. How did we even end up together?”    
  
“Well, you were the one who confessed first so stop complaining,” said Han, tilting his head back to lean it on Minho’s shoulder. 

While the elder used the opportunity to start littering Jisung’s cheek and jawline with kisses, the freckled boy focused on his phone which beeped in his pocket. Excitement filled his eyes as he eagerly unlocked the device to respond to the message, blind to whatever the others were doing. Out of all the members Felix grew most accustomed to the couple showing affection, unlike Jeongin who always made sure to voice his disgust. The Aussie did not pay much attention to it, unless it involved him too. Cuddling with both Jisung and Minho might be his favourite, right after Changbin’s hugs of course.    
  
“Well, you two have fun, I gotta go!”    
  
Minho turned to watch as the boy scrambled off the bed. After almost tripping over the blanket carelessly kicked to the floor, he managed to grasp the door handle. “Yah! Wait there, young man. Where are you going?”    
  
Felix groaned, already opening the door and stepping a foot outside. “Changbinnie hyung wants to go out to eat. We’ll be back by 10, don’t worry!” he flashed them a bright smile, hurrying outside.   
  
“Hold on!” the eldest sat up straight. Another groan could be heard as the boy stepped back inside the room. “Where are you going?”    
  
“Hyung, seriously?”    
  
“Well, he’s not being mean. It’s better if you tell us so we can always tell Chan hyung if something happens,” said Jisung, mirroring his boyfriend’s movements. “And don’t rush like this! It’s cold outside, so make sure you go change into something warmer before leaving, got it?”    
  
“Yes, dad. I was gonna do that anyway.” Lix rolled his eyes, fingers tapping on the doorframe impatiently. “Can I go now? I’ll just text you the name of the place when he tells me.”    
  
Minho squinted his eyes at him. “Don’t trust him too soon. I mean it. And if he acts like an asshole, call me straight away. If he tries to make a move on you, also call me.”    
  
“I want him to make a move on me,” he mumbled under his breath. “Anyway, bye guys!” Felix waved and dashed out of sight, the door slamming behind him.    
  
Jisung shifted to straddle his boyfriend, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face. “Are we going to go bother them?”    
  
“Damn right we are.”    


  
  
*** 

  
  
  
Arriving at the restaurant, Felix greeted a nervous Changbin by the door. The elder flashed him a smile, sincere though somewhat awkward, hand scratching at the back of his neck.    
  
“You okay, hyung?”   
  
“Huh? Oh, sure! Yeah, I’m fine,” said the older. “Just, uh… is it okay if someone joins us?”

Felix would have loved to say no, but he only smiled. “Sure.”    
  
“It’s just—I was out with Chan hyung and Seungmin, and then I told them I’ll go to eat with you and they said they’ll come too. I tried asking them to go somewhere else, but it felt rude so, yeah.”    
  
“Oh, it’s okay,” said Lix. Maybe he did want to spend time alone with Changbin, but they share a room. They will have enough of that later. “ **The more the merrier, right?** ”    
  
Changbin only smiled and took his hand, opening the door for him. “They went to some shop. We’re supposed to get a table,” he hummed. “They better pay too or I swear to God, I will kick them out.”    
  
Felix giggled and right as he was about to reply, the door opened behind them again and hands clutched his shoulders. “Hi baby!”    
  
“Jisung?!” he turned around confused. His twin stood there, grinning with Minho right behind him. “What are you doing here?”    
  
“We got hungry so we decided to join you.” Han shrugged, pushing past. “You didn’t even get a table yet, that’s great.”    
  
“Oh, we invited Jeongin and Hyunjin, too. They should be here soon,” said Minho. He offered Changbin a sly smirk before following his boyfriend. “So, a table for eight?”    
  
“How would you know it’s eight?” Changbin glared, crossing his arms over his chest. Both him and Felix looked equally displeased.    
  
“We called Chan hyung.”    
  
“Of course you did,” Seo scoffed, still trying to murder the two with his eyes, even when a waitress came over to them.    
  
“I’m sorry, hyung. They insisted I send them the name, I didn’t think they’d come,” Felix sighed and averted his eyes to the floor. Unlike Changbin, he felt more disappointed than angry. Why would his Minho hyung ruin something like this for him? “We can always leave if you want.”    
  
Bin sighed, moving his arm to wrap it around the younger’s narrow shoulders. The other two walked off after the waitress so he gently urged Lix forward, too. “Not your fault, okay? They’re just idiots. It’s our last day here, though, so let’s just spend it together. I’ll make it up to you in our room.”    
  
“Make it up to me? How?”    
  
  
“That will be a surprise.” Changbin grinned and pulled out a chair for the boy to sit on.

With gleeful eyes, Felix sat down after muttering a quiet ‘thank you’. He caught Minho’s eagle eyes examining each and every single one of Changbin’s moves but shrugged it off after rolling his eyes. Minho evidently tried to find anything to pick on and the other seemed to know, considering he took a seat beside Felix and threw an arm over his shoulders whilst staring back at their second eldest.    
  
Lix leaned closer to Changbin’s side, smiling in content. Obviously, due to the restaurant being a public place this was as much as they could do. But both felt satisfied with being able to do this much at least.   
  
“You two look cute, I’ll give you that one,” Minho sighed, slumping in his chair as if defeated. Jisung hummed in agreement, eyes already scanning the menu. “But I still don’t trust this.”    
  
“Well, I’ve nothing to prove to you. Felix trusts me and that is all I could have asked for. Others’ opinions don’t matter.” Changbin shrugged, rubbing the younger’s arm. The younger’s smile widened as he leaned closer to hug him briefly.   
  
Minho hummed, a faint trace of a smile ghosting his face. He only prayed Seo would stick to his words.    


  
  
***    
  


  
  
They got back to the hotel later than expected, with half of the members falling asleep once they got inside the van driven by their manager. Felix felt his eyelids closing for longer intervals though he managed to get out of the vehicle just fine. Jeongin ended up being carried to his room by Jisung, who also had to allow Minho to cling onto him as he walked with his eyes closed most of the time. It seemed challenging but Han managed to get rid of the leech (after giving Minho a punitive jab with his elbow) and carry their youngest in safely.    
  
Chan had an arm around a sleepy Seungmin, rubbing the boy’s arm and murmuring something with a smile. The younger only nodded tiredly before they disappeared from Felix’s view. With a fond smile adorning his freckled face, he turned his head towards the car where Changbin carefully lifted Hyunjin bridal style. His toned muscles flexed visibly under his long sleeve shirt—Felix may have lied about being cold to steal Changbin’s hoodie earlier—and the younger found himself gawking.    
  
Everybody knew Chan and Changbin were most probably the strongest members, or at least the ones with the most buff biceps. Still, watching Seo pick up a man much taller than him and walking as if nothing happened left the Aussie absolutely astonished.    
  
“Hey, are you coming or what?” Changbin raised an eyebrow. Felix hadn’t noticed him passing by, feet stuck to the ground. “I’m kind of cold.”    
  
Lix nodded hastily and when the other continued walking, he slapped his cheek lightly before jogging after his hyung. His cheeks burned faintly. How could he get so distracted just by this? They share a room, he sees Changbin’s remarkably lovely arms and muscles all the time. Usually not in use, though.  _ That’s a shame.  _

“I can’t believe he just passed out like that. We literally only ate,” the older chuckled as they waited for the elevator. “He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, though. I couldn’t wake him.”    
  
“So pretty,” hummed Felix, admiring Hyunjin’s flawless face. Hwang always looks beautiful, be it asleep or awake, and maybe Lee felt slightly jealous.  _ So unfair.  _ “Best to let him sleep, he’s been working really hard lately.”    
  
Changbin nodded, stepping inside once the door opened. He kept his eyes on Hyunjin, a fond smile lingering on his face. “He really is pretty.”  _ Ouch.  _ “But I’m just so glad we made up. Well, I know I was the stubborn one, but I haven’t realised how much I missed this kid. Even if he’s kinda heavy.”    
  
“Don’t be mean now, hyung.”    
  
Changbin let out a small laugh. “I’m not saying he’s fat or anything, but having to carry someone like this is straining. Much easier to let them get on your back.”    
  
“I can help you if you want.” Lix shrugged. Changbin only threw him a look and exited the elevator on their floor. “What? Hey, I could!”    
  
“Shhh, don’t wake him. And sure you could, but it’s best not to try. Maybe stick to letting people carry you instead.”    
  
“Rude,” he grumbled more to himself. Felix could definitely carry someone if he wanted to! After a good meal, of course.    
  
“Oh, there you are! Seungmin was worried,” said Chan, appearing out of one of the rooms. “Thanks Bin, I’ll take it from here. You two go wash up, then go straight to sleep, yeah? Pack your stuff while the other’s in the bathroom, if you haven’t done so already,” he mumbled, carefully taking Hyunjin from Changbin’s arms. “And make sure you leave out something warm for tomorrow, Changbin. You’ll get sick if you walk around like this.”    
  
“Yes sir. We’ll do just as you said, you do the same. Make sure you sleep, okay?” Felix gave Chan a side hug and pecked his cheek. “Night, hyung.”    
  
“Goodnight.” Chan grinned and disappeared inside the room again.    
  
“Why do you always have to kiss him?” Changbin huffed as he stalked down the corridor to their room, not waiting for the other. Felix sighed, rushing after him. “He’s literally not even that cool.”    
  
“It was just a goodnight kiss,” said Felix. “Are you angry again?”   
  
Seo rolled his eyes, opening their door for the boy. “No. I’m not angry. Just stop kissing everyone.”    
  
“It was a kissy on the cheek. Hyung, I do it to everyone.”    
  
“I’ve been your roommate for how long? A month? Have I gotten even one goodnight kiss? No.”    
  
“You’re jealous.” Felix bit his lip to hold back a giggle as he sat on his bed.    
  
Changbin rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just saying. It’s annoying because you go around kissing everyone, cheek or lips—doesn’t matter! It’s still annoying,” he sighed, throwing himself onto his own bed. “You say you like me but kiss others. It’s like cheating.”    
  
“I’m sorry,” said Felix, moving to Changbin’s bed only to seat himself on the back of his thighs. “I can give you a sorry massage? Will you stop being jealous then?”    
  
“No.”    
  
Lix smiled and poked his back. “Come on~”    
  
“Nope. Just a massage won’t do.”   
  
“So… if I give you a goodnight kiss and a massage, will you stop sulking?”    
  
“Stop giving kisses to others. Then I will,” said the older.    
  
“But hyung! How am I supposed to just not give them kisses?”    
  
Seo craned his neck to glance at him. “You do know friends don’t usually kiss, even on the cheek?”    
  
“Well but… but I don’t like them in  _ that  _ way. It’s just how I show them I love them as my friends.”   
  
“I don’t want my boyfriend being all intimate with others. I don’t even like how you always sit on them and cuddle them like you’re all in love—that’s just not cool, Lix. And I know it’s something you need so it’s fine, I can deal with cuddling and stuff but kissing is just too much.”    
  
Felix stared at him with his doe eyes wide, luscious lips parted. Completely dumbfounded. “B-boyfriend?”    
  
“What?”    
  
“You called me your boyfriend?”    
  
“Yeah?” Changbin eyed him carefully. “So?”    
  
“So? But we didn’t even—I didn’t know!” Felix gasped. The older heaved a sigh and dropped his head back on the bed, face hidden in the sheets. “You never asked!”    
  
“Well, I thought it was quite obvious. We did make out and confessed to each other, Felix. Does that seem like something friends do?” the younger shook his head. “See? Exactly. But if you really need it, then fine. Will you be my boyfriend?”    
  
Felix had always imagined it differently. He dreamt of a nice dinner, little gifts and rose petals, candles illuminating the room, small giggles and quick pecks. Then, the question would be asked and the answer sealed with a proper, love-filled kiss. He certainly never considered it to happen this way, with the words so carelessly uttered.   
  
Even though the question brought him joy, the lack of romanticism was slightly disappointing. Perhaps he watched too many movies and read too many stories. Real life is never as sweet as people want it to be. And whether there were candles or not shouldn’t matter much, either way. It may have sounded as if Changbin thought it insignificant yet the younger knew he asked purely because he sincerely wished to date him. That thought alone cheered him up greatly. Rose petals could not guarantee honesty.    
  
“Of course, Binnie. I’d love to be your boyfriend.”    
  
“Great. Then give me my massage already.”    
  
“Okay, okay.” Felix smiled, rolling the elder’s shirt up carefully.    
  
Maybe no kiss sealed his answer, the unspoken promise. It was fine. Sleeping beside one another surely made up for it.   
  


  
  
*** TW   


  
  
  
Sleeping with Changbin felt like heaven. Nightmares strayed from haunting Felix again and his slumber seemed to have become deeper considering now he did not wake up at the slightest touch or sound. A bonus would definitely be the snug warmth radiating off of the older.  
  
Just like usual, he dreamt of random nothings and everythings, weird creatures and people who made no sense at all with the things they spoke. Sometimes he wondered whether the crazy things he saw were some kind of a sign like some websites claim. For some time he tried googling his dreams, though after getting one or two concerning explanations, he decided to stop before he develops a fear of dreaming. Mad dreams are fun dreams, mostly funny or simply nonsense. Perhaps his brain dealt with useless thoughts in this way, projecting them to try and make something useful out of them. Everything was going fine, some kittens playing around on the grass in front of the boy. An adorable dream, really.   
  
It was going fine, until absolutely nothing about it was adorable anymore.   
  
Someone walked up behind him, their shadow looming over him menacingly. The familiar sensation of panic gradually spreading through his body as he pleaded for his muscles to move, to get him away. He stood still though, kittens and grass now gone and forgotten, a small studio presenting itself before his eyes. Felix’s breath hitched when he heard the faint click from behind, knees buckling. The door was behind him, right where _he_ waited and it would be impossible for him to escape. It always was.   
  
He blinked and found himself struggling against that old piano again, crying and kicking in vain. Nobody would hear him, or the sounds of skin slapping against skin repeatedly. Nobody would come to help. The pain was there, ripping sobs out of his chest as his body trembled in attempts to deal with it. Just deal with it and it will be over for some time. Maybe he won’t come back again. Maybe this is the last time, and he won’t desire more.   
  
Rough hands gripped his bruised skin, carelessly throwing him onto his back, wood hitting against the spine. His eyes were shut, waterfalls of tears cascading down his face from beneath the closed eyelids. As always it earned him a slap on the cheek, one of the hands shifting to close itself around his throat.   
  
“Look at me!” Felix let out a choked sob, hands scratching at _his_ forearm to make him let go, let him breathe. The hand only squeezed tighter. “I said, fucking look at me!”   
  
He opened his eyes slowly, vision blurry from all the tears and lack of oxygen. He turned his head to the side, trying to blink the tears away. The pressure left his throat yet before he could cough, another slap landed on his cheek and fingers dug into his jaw, forcing his head to turn. A scream broke out of his chest and bile rose up his throat all the while _he_ watched with a smile. Except it wasn’t _him_.  
  
It was Changbin.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why I come up with these plots when it’s painful to write them :( 
> 
> Stay safe and have a nice day <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: vomiting, mentions of vomiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops sorry it took me so long my mind just couldn't deal with writing for some reason. I feel like you're going to hate me for this one so um yeah please be nice or something >:(   
> (personally like this chapter quite a bit I'm not gonna lie) 
> 
> Also didn't really proof read it sorry

  
  
  


A hand firmly shook his body and Felix jerked away, tumbling off the bed.    
  
“Felix!”    
  
He whimpered, hand clamping on his mouth as he struggled up to hurtle to the bathroom. Streaks of tears trickled down his face as the nausea increased with each word he heard in his head, each image his merciless mind flashed before his eyes to torment him all over again. Felix cried as he waddled and tripped and smacked his elbow on the doorframe, and he cried as he emptied his stomach kneeling by the toilet. Loud steps approached him in no time. Changbin must have been speaking yet none of it registered properly, his brain too fuzzy, heart racing too fast.    
  
“Yongbok-ah!”    
  
Felix let out a sob, arm feebly reaching up to flush the toilet. The suffocating burn in his throat mixed with that horrible taste in his mouth made his stomach churn even more. Small hands clenched around the white seat when he gagged again, more tears blurring his vision. Changbin wanted to comfort him and he did just that, attempting to run his fingers through the pink strands only to hear another broken whimper as the younger flinched.    
  
“Lixie-yah, what’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?” Changbin furrowed his eyebrows. Watching him like this felt like torture. He wanted to punch himself for not being helpful, though what else could he do? “Are you sick?”    
  
“M-Min…” Felix choked out, slumping against the toilet.    
  
He leaned closer, trying not to think of how unhygienic the other’s position was. “What? What was that?”    
  
“Minho,” Lix whispered, bottom lip trembling just like his hands which slid off the seat. “Minho.”    
  
“Minho? Uh, it’s kind of late now. Can’t I help you?” Seo scratched the back of his neck but all he got in response again turned out to be ‘Minho’.    
  
Changbin sighed and stood straight, glancing at the distressed boy. In his head, a battle; can he really leave him alone like this? But if he stays, what help would he be? And how to help, considering Felix did not seem too keen on skinship at that moment? Perhaps he should stay and try his best. His pride liked that option greatly. If he stays and takes care of Felix, he can feel useful, prove he is a good hyung and more importantly—prove that he is the one the boy needs, not Minho.    
  
Sadly enough, Seo had to listen to the reasonable voice somewhere at the back of his head. Minho knew things nobody else did. Minho had a different, special bond with his fellow Lee, one which could not be replicated. Minho always knew what to do.   
  
_ Minho. Minho. Minho. It’s always Lee fucking Minho. _ _   
_ _   
_ “Okay,” he said at last. “Okay. I’ll go get him. You wait here, yeah?” Changbin knew Lix could not move anywhere, anyway.    
  
With a heavy heart he exited the room and sprinted down the hall to find the right number. Pushing all his selfish worries aside, he knocked on the door repeatedly until it flung open to reveal a sleepy, visibly displeased Minho. For a second Bin allowed himself to enjoy the fact he irked his elder, the one trying to keep their sunshine away from him. He came back to his senses quickly though because Felix was hurting and, annoyingly enough, it stirred panic and worry in the pit of his stomach.    
  
Minho glared at him, crossing his arms over his bare chest. “What in the world are you doing?”    
  
“It’s Felix,” said Changbin. The other’s eyes softened, eyebrows twitching slightly. “He… well, I think he had a bad dream?”    
  
“Fuck,” he breathed, disappearing in the darkness of his room. Seo could hear the erratic shuffling and more quiet curses being spat whilst he waited. “Go back to sleep, I’ll be back soon, babe.” Changbin could not hear Jisung’s response but he did not have time to ponder over what the younger said as Minho reappeared in the door, just to push past him hurriedly. “Did he tell you what it’s about?”    
  
“No.” Bin closed the door quietly and jogged after the older. “I don’t think he can even speak right now. Is it bad? Do you know what it’s about?”    
  
Lee seemed oblivious to him speaking and invited himself inside Changbin’s room. With no hesitance, he stormed over to Felix’s bed, snatching the Ryan plushie and a blanket. Seo only watched, consternated, before following him inside the bathroom.    
  
Felix stayed in the same spot Changbin left him with the only difference being that he lied on his side, visibly exhausted. Tiredness, anguish and fear were written all over his sickeningly pale face. Changbin had never felt the need to scoop Lix in his arms and hold him forever, but seeing him broken woke up that need inside him. If it weren’t for Minho who gently pulled him back, he would have done just that.    
  
“Don’t. Give him space,” said the older. He approached Felix slowly and sat on the floor, a metre of distance between them. “Lixie, it’s Minho hyung. Are you okay?” Felix shook his head. “Is it okay if I touch you?” He shook his head again. Changbin frowned yet Minho seemed unbothered.  _ How many times has this happened before?  _ “Can I put the blanket over you? I won’t touch you, I promise. Just want to keep you warm.”    
  
“Okay,” Lix whispered. His eyes flickered towards Changbin as he sat up slowly. They quickly moved back to Minho who shuffled closer. “Hyung?”    
  
“Hm?” Minho placed Ryan in Felix’s lap and covered the younger with the blanket. To Bin, even in such a sad state Lix managed to look adorable as he immediately hugged the plushie.    
  
“I w-want to… talk.”    
  
“Oh, of course. Changbin, could you give us a moment?”    
  
Changbin stared at him blankly. “Me?”    
  
“Yes. You should go back to sleep, I’ve got it here, alright? Thanks for telling me.”    
  
“Yeah… sure,” he scoffed. This was not the time to be jealous, he knew. But his feelings were not something he could control perfectly well. Still, he tried his best and left, leaving the door ajar just... in case.    
  
The temptation to stay and eavesdrop spread through his entire body. Changbin scolded himself in his head, hoping that no more ridiculous thoughts will flood his mind. He promised to make everything up to Felix and he wished to keep the promise. Out of the many ways he could go about doing it, being nosy could not be the right one so he flopped on his bed, plugged his earphones in and played some music. Though it did the bare minimum at deafening his thoughts it coaxed him to sleep, allowing him to dream of himself being the one Felix relied on.    
  
  
  
  
  
“Did you throw up? Felix, you said it’s getting better,” said Minho, once the younger calmed down enough.   
  
Felix wiped his damp cheeks and took a deep breath. “It is. Hyung, it-it was. I promise.” 

“It clearly isn’t anymore. What happened today? Did someone say something?”    
  
“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think there was anything to set me off, it just… happened. I haven’t had them for a while, I swear.”    
  
“It never gets that bad without a trigger. Lix, you have to tell me, okay? If you’re not telling me because you want to cover up for him, it won’t do you good.”    
  
“Changbin didn’t do anything! I swear, he didn’t, and I don’t know why—this doesn’t make sense, he w-wouldn’t do that.” Felix clutched Ryan tight as his eyes watered again. “I hate it, hyung. I hate it. I don’t understand! I don’t want to—”    
  
“It’s okay. It’s alright, sorry. Changbin didn’t do anything, I know.” Minho nodded, eyes focused on Felix’s shoulder. Looking at his face would be too painful. “But if you get them without even any triggers then it’s just bad. Felix, I love you but this is something… it just won’t get better, will it? Not until you get help.”    
  
Felix shook his head. “I have help. I have you,” he stated, adamant. “I don’t need other help.”    
  
“It’s only getting worse, Felix.”    
  
“Only for now,” he mumbled. “It will get better. I was just stressed and confused, that’s all. When I get used to touring it will be fine, right?”    
  
Minho pursed his lips into a tight line, forcing a nod. Telling anyone would result in losing Felix’s trust yet with each day, he felt more and more inclined to tell Chan or their manager. Anybody. As much as he loved Lix and wanted to help him, he had no idea what to do. His own guilt followed him around constantly and, as selfish as it may sound, he wanted to get Felix professional help so that maybe he will stop feeling at blame as much. Everything that happened was because of him. If he tells the others, will they blame him, too? Will they start hating him?    
  
Perhaps it is best to stay silent.    
  
“Hyung?”    
  
“Yes?”    
  
“This dream… will you promise you won’t get mad?” Felix questioned, doe eyes fixed on the older.    
  
“Of course I won’t. Why would I? I’m here to talk about it, if you need to, that is.”    
  
Lix nodded, tightening the blanket around himself. He averted his eyes to the floor, brows drawing in slightly. “This time, it was… I don’t get it. It was  _ his  _ voice and all  _ he  _ did was the same but… it’s the face, hyung.”    
  
“Oh, Lixie,” Minho sighed. Felix did not want to look up. He knew the elder’s pretty eyes filled with pity and he hated it. “It’s okay, maybe you shouldn’t talk about it too much. I think it’s just best if you try to forget it? It’s not a nice thing to remember, anyway.”    
  
“No, hyung. It wasn’t  _ his  _ face. When I looked up, in the dream, it wasn’t  _ him  _ but it was… C-Changbin.”    
  
Felix risked a glance, only to see the older paling, staring at him stupefied. Not that he did not expect such a reaction. The whole dream and the endless list of possible meanings behind it poked at him uncomfortably. He had never believed that dreams act like prophecies, and apart from a few occasions he did not even bother with checking all those websites about dreams. Sitting there, with his stomach upset and throat itching, Felix realised maybe he should start caring about these things more. As a teenager he used to be interested in psychology and though he could never call himself an expert, he knew his recurring nightmares were a part of recovery. At least that’s what he liked to tell himself.    
  
Minho stared silently as minutes passed. Lix supposed he should be the first one to speak, to assure his friend that it is all okay, nothing to worry about. Maybe offer a smile, too, just to make it more believable. Can he lie to him? Others may be blind but Minho always knew the truth. He could read him, sometimes with some difficulty yet he managed to do it if he wanted to. Sometimes he worried the elder knew exactly what was going on in his head and he loathed that thought. Nobody should ever know.    
  
The younger shifted in his seat, fixing the blanket over his shoulders. “Minho hyung? Are you angry?”    
  
“No,” said Minho with his face stoic. “I’m not angry. I’m just worried. This is seriously getting  _ bad,  _ Felix. Why Changbin, anyway? You said he didn’t do anything.”    
  
“He didn’t. I don’t know why. Anyway,” he looked away. “I’m tired. And I’m sure you’re tired, too. Sorry I woke you.”    
  
Minho shook his head and sighed. “It’s fine. Do you want me to help you to bed?”    
  
“Please.” Lix nodded.    
  
The elder helped him to bed in no time, forcing him to gulp at least half a bottle of water before he allowed him to lay down. Felix hugged Ryan close to his chest as Minho tucked him in carefully.    
  
“Are you sure you want to sleep alone? I can stay with you.”    
  
“No, it’s okay. Binnie’s close if anything happens, and you should go back to Jisung,” Lix mumbled, nuzzling his face on the pillow. “Thank you, hyung. Goodnight.”    
  
Minho nodded and gave his shoulder a tender squeeze. “There’s water on the table. Night, Felix.”    
  
Felix only hummed in response, more focused on how weary he felt. Usually he couldn’t go back to sleep after waking up, but he figured being sick made him tired enough to drift away. He just prayed not to dream again.    
  
  
***   
  
  
Waking up in their tour van confused him to no end. Felix rubbed his eyes slowly, acknowledging the pain in his neck as he sat up straight and a strange taste dancing on his tongue. Mind still foggy, he looked around. Minho and Hyunjin were a tangled mess, sprawled over two seats across from him, both fast asleep. At least they acted like friends again. Jeongin’s red hair peeked from his seat in front of Lix, most probably accompanied by Seungmin. In order to find the rest, he had to raise himself slightly and turn around which appeared to require more effort than anticipated. 3RACHA were huddled together at the very back, exchanging hushed mumbles. Felix knew they must have been working on another track so he decided to sit down properly, not wanting to distract them.    
  


Before he managed to sit, however, his eyes met Jisung’s briefly as if the other knew someone was looking. Lix only sighed and made himself comfortable, hoping that it did not look like he tried to get anyone’s attention. The circumstances under which he managed to get to the van were nowhere in his memories though it does not take a genius to figure out somebody must have carried him. He cringed at the thought, glancing down at his thighs which appeared bigger, being squashed against the seat. Lately he had been eating anything and everything without any self-control. Their last hotel did not have scales but even without them he just knew the number must have increased. Being busy prevented him from thinking about it, but as he stared at his thighs, the awareness of his weight gain creeped inside his head. He hated it and he hated that he would have to start over again, start working out more and find a new, more restrictive diet and—   
  
“ **Morning, sunshine.** ” Felix turned his head to the side whilst his leader took the seat beside him. “ **Are you feeling okay now?** ”    
  
“ **I’m fine** .”    
  
“ **You gave me a scare. Next time, tell me or the managers if you’re sick, okay? I thought we will have to go to the hospital.** ”    
  
“Sorry, hyung. I’m okay,” said Felix. “I think I just ate something, it’s not that serious. How did I get here?”    
  
“You can’t remember? Well, Changbin woke you but I guess you were half asleep. He had to pretty much carry you. And then he told us you were sick, and you were still looking so pale.  **Just terrible, man.** ” Chan shook his head and draped an arm over Felix’s shoulders. “Are you sure it was just food? Changbin said you had a bad dream.”    
  
Of course he did. “It’s nothing, hyung.”    
  
“It made you throw up? That doesn’t sound like nothing to me.”    
  
“That was just a coincidence.”   
  
“Is that so? Well, alright. Then can you tell me what was the dream about?” the younger shook his head. “Why not?”    
  
“I just don’t want to. It was a bad dream and I’d rather forget it, okay? I talked to Minho hyung, anyway. Don’t worry. I’m all good here.”    
  
“I heard those bad dreams happen often.”   
  
“Did Minho hyung tell you that?” Felix asked with a frown. Truthfully, he did not need to ask.    
  
“Yeah, he did. He’s worried and I am, too,” said Chan, pulling him closer to wrap the other arm around him too. “What’s going on with my little brother? You don’t even speak to me much anymore. I don’t want to pressure you, but there are things you ought to tell me about.”    
  
“Hyung, I’m sorry but it’s just dreams. Nothing worrying, people get them all the time, no? I didn’t tell you because I knew you would worry for no reason,” said the younger, resting his chin on Chan’s shoulder.    
  
“I’m worried because it’s not normal to have them regularly. Are you stressed? Is that it? We can ask Jisung’s doctor to have some sessions with you, too. Just tell me what it is that you need.”    
  
Felix let out a sigh and patted Chan’s side lightly. Their position did not belong to the most comfortable ones, especially with how he had to partially lean on the elder, but it brought warmth and the familiar feeling of home. “I don’t need anything right now, yeah? Well, maybe just some medication for a sore throat. That’s all.”    
  
“Alright, if you insist. I won’t pressure you. But if this keeps happening or gets worse, I will have to tell the managers.” Chan already told them before their journey started. For now, Lix shouldn’t know about how they ordered everyone to keep a closer eye on their precious member. “I think I’ve gotta go now. Changbin’s been very impatient, can’t wait to talk to you. Seems like you worked it out, huh?”    
  
“I think so, yeah. We’re kind of… together? But don’t tell anyone! I don’t want him to be angry, I don’t think he wants people to know,” he mumbled, earning a warm chuckle from the other. “What?”    
  
“Oh, nothing,” said Chan, moving his hand to ruffle the boy’s pink hair. “It’s just funny because he already told everyone. All of the members, of course.”   
  
“What?” Felix gasped, wide eyes sparkling with hope. “He did?”    
  
Chan nodded, offering a warm smile which showed off his dimples. “He did. Made it very clear we’re not allowed to kiss you or touch you too much. As for a straight guy, he seems quite possessive of a boy,” he laughed quietly. “It’s kind of cute.”    
  
Lix nodded, glancing down sheepishly. His heart beamed, stomach tingled excitedly but he still worried about even facing Changbin. Of course, he knew the elder would never hurt him like this and it was only a dream. How is he supposed to look him in the eye, though? What if spending time with him will only keep reminding him of it? Every single day he tries his hardest to eliminate any possible triggers. What can he do if his bandmate, his now  _ boyfriend  _ will end up being one of them? 

“What, are you shy now? Aw, Lixie~” Chan poked his cheek.    
  
“I’m not!” he huffed, smacking the hand away. Still, he kept his eyes down while sitting up properly. “I’m just surprised. Doesn’t matter, anyway. You were busy, sorry I made you worry. You can go back to work now.”    
  
“Ah, right. Well, we’re not that busy but I am pretty sure Changbin’s staring so I should go back. Don’t want him to hold a grudge later,” said Chan, removing his arms from him completely in order to get up. “I will buy you the medicine on our next stop. There’s water in the seats, so hopefully that will help.”    
  
Lix nodded, grabbing a bottle tucked behind a net on the seat in front of him. Chan walked away before he even managed to open it, and before he got a chance to ask when will their next stop be. Not wanting to bother anyone he drank in silence, focusing on the view outside. Deciding not to brush his teeth after throwing up turned out to be a horrible idea—he never expected it to be great, but the off taste in his mouth even hours later made him cringe. The water seemed to make it worse so he quickly capped and put it away, just as somebody sat in the seat beside him again. Felix leaned back in his seat, counting down from ten in his head.  _ Just in case.  _

“What did you talk about with Chan?”    
  
“Hello to you, too, hyung,” said Felix. The seat in front of him appeared incredibly interesting right then, and he could not take his eyes off of it. “Nothing important.”    
  
“Hm… you didn’t do anything weird?” Seo questioned, eyeing him sceptically.   
  
“No. What do you think we did?”    
  
Changbin shrugged. “You’re avoiding looking at me. It makes you look guilty, you know?”    
  
“Sorry. I’m not avoiding anything, it’s just—”    
  
“I know I was in your dream.” Felix forgot all about the seat as he jerked sat straight and whipped his head to the side, heart stopping for a few seconds. “Minho hyung told me. Is that why you’re being so stiff?”  _ Oh God. Oh. God.  _ “I’m not sure why it was me, but you know I’d never do that, right?” Lix could feel his throat going dry. “I’d never hurt you, let alone try to, uh, kill you.” 

The younger parted his lips, staring at him blankly for a little while. Then, his body relaxed and he leaned back on the seat, offering a mere nod as a response. Minho swore to keep his secret, Felix should never doubt his sincerity. His friend loved him dearly and he would never break his promise. Though Lix could not think of a reason as to why he needed to tell Changbin the dream involved him, the freckled boy guessed it had something to do with making it easier for him.   
  
A dream about his boyfriend killing him did sound scary, and bad. Felix mentally applauded Minho for his creativity while a small part of him wished that was it. He wished death to be the thing haunting him. It sure seemed better than what actually happened.    
  
“I know, hyung. I know,” he said after minutes of silence. The elder did not try to rush him at all which he appreciated. “It was just really realistic and… yeah. I got a bit scared. I’m sorry.”   
  
Changbin shook his head. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”  _ Apart from lying. What did you really dream about?  _ “Do you want to talk about it? I’m sure it must have been really scary considering how you reacted. You must hate blood a lot, hm?”    
  
Felix looked at him puzzled. “Uh, no? I don’t mind blood.”  _ Got you.  _   
  
“Oh.” Bin furrowed his eyebrows. “But Minho said you threw up because there was lots of blood in your dream.”    
  
“Oh! He did?”  _ Fuck. Why is he so bothered?  _ Felix chuckled nervously. Uncomfortableness gathered at the pit of his stomach. He just wanted this conversation to end. It felt like an interrogation and he did not want to get lost in his words. “Well, there was a lot—it gets disgusting if there’s a lot.” He shrugged, hands clasped together tightly. “Anyway! Where are we going now?”    
  
“Belgium. We should be there, soon, actually. Did you sleep well?”   
  
“Yeah, thank you.” Silence fell over them again.   
  
_ Are all couples so awkward?  _ Felix thought of taking Changbin’s hand in his but he gave up on that idea at the last second. As a result, it looked as though his hands twitched. For some reason it only made him feel more uneasy, slightly embarrassed since he knew that the other saw it all.    
  
To his great relief, Changbin did not laugh or comment but cautiously separated Lix’s hands and held one of them with their fingers intertwined. Felix had little experience in the past, nothing close to a serious relationship. He relied on Seo, confident that the elder knew much more than him.    
  
“Do you want a hug?”    
  
“What?”    
  
Changbin rolled his eyes. “Hug. Do you want me to hug you or not?”    
  
“Oh, uh, sure.” Felix nodded. While his boyfriend slowly wrapped his arm around the smaller, the Aussie could not think of anything other than how peculiar the situation was. “Hyung?”    
  
“Hm?”    
  
He glanced at him. “Did I make you uncomfortable? You know, with the dream and all?”    
  
“No. Of course not. Why?”    
  
“I don’t know, you’re just acting kind of different. I mean, this just feels quite strange? Not that it’s your fault!”    
  
“I’ve never really dated before. Like, not properly. And it was always girls, not guys so I don’t really know, like—I mean, I know you like skinship and stuff. But there’s others around and it feels weird to do it when they can see us.”    
  
“So you don’t want us to get close in front of others? But they won’t mind, hyung. I mean, Jisung and Minho do stuff in front of us and nobody cares.”    
  
“Yes, but it’s different. I know I told them about us but it feels weird to do these things romantically with a guy. Like when we hug now, it’s not hugs and they won’t see it as such; it’s romantic hugging,” Changbin said, face completely serious yet Felix could not help but chuckle honestly. “Yah!”    
  
“Romantic hugging?”    
  
Bin huffed. “I don’t see what’s so funny.”    
  
“Nothing! Nothing, sorry, it’s just cute. Really cute,” Lix smiled fondly. How could he ever dream about Changbin doing terrible things when he is such a precious person? “If it makes you feel better, we can hug  _ un-romantically _ .”    
  
“You’re making fun of me now.”    
  
Felix giggled and nodded. “Maybe a little.” Changbin scowled, attempting to remove his arm. “Sorry! No, I swear, it’s very cute!” the younger gasped, leaning into the elder’s side slightly.    
  
“I’m being serious!”    
  
“Me too! This is just hugging, not romantically at all! Just two guys hugging.”    
  
Changbin opened his mouth, about to retaliate when Seungmin beat him to it. “Will you two shut up already? I don’t care if you’re gay hugging or not, I am trying to study!”    
  
“Sorry, Minnie,” Felix laughed.   
  
Seo only rolled his eyes though his cheeks visibly turned a rosy pink. The freckled boy poked one of them with a smile, ignoring his displeased face.    
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just really like you, hyung. Can’t help teasing you.”    
  
“Just shut up, brat,” he scoffed, glancing at the younger. Though he hated to admit it, Felix looked most beautiful like this, all bubbly, looking at Changbin as if he were the most precious thing to him in this world. If the love in his eyes was obvious to even himself, how obvious was it to others?    
  
“Don’t you like me, too?”    
  
Changbin flicked his nose. “Maybe. Now shush, Seungmin’s studying.”    
  
Felix did not argue, shifting to properly lean on his  _ boyfriend  _ in a very non-romantic way.  _ A maybe is enough _ , he thought.  _ Much better than silence.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I know we don't like Bin much but it's a Changlix fic ok don't @ me Lix deserves some happiness


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow chapter 20 already! I never imagined I’d actually stick to this but let’s be happy I did
> 
> Please read the notes at the end! And sorry this one took me so long, life happens
> 
> (PS I wanted to make it special but this one isn’t even that good smh)

  
Before Felix noticed, they were already landing in America. Life felt much more enjoyable the past few weeks, so much so that he lost track of how many days have passed. They celebrated Jeongin’s nineteenth birthday in Belgium, a memorable party; Changbin drank a little too much and clung to Felix all night long, mumbling incoherent threats to anyone who tried to touch his boyfriend. It seemed as though he did not mind romantic cuddling when drunk.    
  
After Belgium they travelled to many other European countries and February turned to March without anyone noticing. Apart from having fun, many days were spent on lazing around in their hotel rooms or tour vans with nobody having the energy to go out and have fun. Lix did not mind since those days were full of cuddles, either with the others or Changbin, who gradually increased the amount of physical affection with the younger Aussie—not that he would admit it out loud. Felix chose not to mention it and relish anything he received from him. The nightmares still haunted him occasionally, one or two featuring the other members yet he tried to brush it off. Everyone dreams about their best friends trying to murder them at least once in their lifetime, right?    


Each and every country they visited was unique and beautiful though he could not help but like the UK slightly more than the rest. And he figured it would be the same with America. Sure, he has Chan and few others to talk to in English but being in an English speaking country felt different. Felix liked the Korean language and still his first language stayed superior. Arriving in America filled his belly with butterflies.  _ I can finally speak a lot during interviews!  _ During the ride to their hotel, he could not sit still, managing to find a new way of fidgeting every single time someone told him off for being annoying. Of course, nobody actually found him irritating and in fact, the group’s mood lifted seeing their little angel buzzing with energy. It had been a while since the last time they saw him truly excited, not merely pretending to make them feel better. 

“God, Felix, I love you, but if you don’t stop shaking your damn leg I will rip it off myself,” Minho groaned, having the honour of sitting right beside the trembling boy. “Seriously, you’re shaking everything. Let me sleep.”    
  
Felix whipped his head to the side, looking at him with those big onyx eyes glittering with sparkles of sincere anticipation. “Sorry! I’m just excited, hyung!”    
  
“What are you excited for? A nap? Yeah, me too.”    
  
“It’s 12pm, hyung.”    
  
“You should be jet lagged, brat! Just stop shaking so much, alright?”    
  
“Fine,” sighed Lix, ceasing his leg movements. Only to start doing the same thing but with his hand now.    
  
Changbin watched through half-lidded eyes from the other side of the boy, lips twitching as he attempted to hide his smile. It would be weird if others saw him smile at this, even if they were all already smiling (or asleep, like Jisung and Jeongin). Weeks have passed yet he still struggled to figure out what is going on in his head and heart. Felix brought him joy, his sole presence enough to make his heart feel light and warm and his hugs were simply the most phenomenal, heartwarming and sweet. Then there was his deep voice which never failed to soothe him. People often said Felix’s voice did not match his face nor personality and Changbin begged to differ. His voice had always been comforting, holding the warmth of home. It matched perfectly with his personality and the way he spoke, sweet words full of love, trickling all over the listener, like honey. 

Speaking of honey, had Changbin ever mentioned how much he adored Felix’s golden skin? Whitewashing had always been a stupid concept to him (and many others) yet it particularly irked him when it came to that boy. Why do people feel the need to make him look pale? Not like he saw anything wrong with pale skin but it simply did not fit Felix. It was not his natural appearance and the fact that some people decided his skin tone must be inferior made anger boil in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps a part of it was due to the fact Changbin also had many of his pictures edited and walked around with foundation visibly too light for him. 

“Changbin hyung, aren’t you getting out?”    
  
“Hm?”    
  
Felix smiled and poked his cheek, ignoring the other’s attempts at glaring. “We’re here, hyung. You need to get out so we can go to our room. Do you want me to carry you?”    
  
“Hm? No, no.” Changbin rubbed his face, hoping to wake up a bit more. He felt drained even though they spent long hours sitting or lying down on the plane. “I’ll walk.”   
  
“I will take your stuff, you just go get a key. Really, hyung. I can carry it just fine,” said the younger, ushering him out of the vehicle. “I’ve got my muscles for a reason.”    
  
The older stretched his back with a sigh. “Muscles? Where?”    
  
“Ha ha, very funny.” Lix rolled his eyes though a smile lingered on his face. “Just go inside. I’ll take these,” he pointed at their luggage resting on the pavement. Bin eyed the suitcases, not convinced at all. “Hyung, go!”    
  
“How can you manage two suitcases and a duffel bag? You can barely walk properly without any luggage.”    
  
Felix huffed and walked over to pick up the bag, throwing the strap over his shoulder. “You all act like I’m some weakling. Maybe I don’t have buff biceps but I am capable of doing everyday stuff.”    
  
Changbin closed the van door and hummed. “If you say so, fine. I’ll wait in our room, I’m tired.” He shrugged, making his way towards the entrance.   
  
“What? No, wait! We should walk together,” said Lix. He took hold of both handles, following his boyfriend hurriedly. The weight sadly slowed him down. “See? I can do it!” 

“Yeah, good job, Bokkie,” said the elder. Felix beamed, internally thanking Changbin when he opened the door for him. “You know, at this point I’m awake fully. I can take my stuff now.”    
  
The younger only shook his head and stubbornly trudged towards their manager. Bin wanted to argue but he let it go. Maybe he was more awake but still as tired as ever whilst the other seemed too lively, just like he gets after drinking coffee and eating too many sweets. He figured letting him carry everything might tire him enough for both of them to take a nap together. 

“You’re in 812. The whole floor is ours, and I’m in 801. Please behave, kids. No shouting past 10pm, got it?” said the man, leading them towards the elevators after giving Changbin the key. “I’d say no shouting at all but it’s Stray Kids. Yah, Changbin, why are you making your dongsaeng carry everything? Help him out, punk.”    
  
“Hey, he wanted to carry it!”    
  
“I did! Don’t worry, hyung-nim. I can carry an elephant by myself!”    
  
“Yeah…” he eyed Felix warily. The youngest honestly did not understand what their big deal was. “You seem a bit too energetic. Did they give you coffee on the plane?”    
  
Lix shook his head as he stepped inside the elevator. “Just some nice tea.”    
  
“Probably something caffeinated.” Changbin shook his head, leaning against one of the walls. Their manager let out a chuckle and Felix pouted.    
  
“Seems like you’ll be having a good nap. The others’ rooms should be around yours, but just text them to ask for the numbers,” he hummed, stepping out first. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a long shower to attend.”    
  
“Bye hyung!” Felix waved briefly, stumbling out of the elevator while the man disappeared behind his room door. “Must suck to have a room right by the stairs and lifts. Good thing ours is further away!”    
  
“Yeah, great.”    
  
Truth be told, Changbin did not care. Whether their room would be close or far from the staircase did not make a difference to him at all. As long as he gets to rest in a comfortable bed, the location is not important. Felix evidently felt the opposite. He’s always paid attention to minor things and sometimes Seo felt bad for him.  _ His mind must be tired thinking about details all the damn time. _   
  
“No, seriously, hyung! I had a room by the elevator once and it was so annoying. Especially when people would be bringing their luggage in, or coming back drunk. Very loud.”   
  
“I can imagine,” said the elder, more focused on opening the door at this point.    
  
“You’re not actually going to sleep, right?”    
  
“I’m tired.”    
  
“It’s 12pm!”    
  
Changbin sighed, closing the door after them. He set their suitcases aside and carefully took the bag from him. “I’m tired, Yongbok-ah. Just because I’m going to sleep doesn’t mean you will have to do the same.”    
  
“Then what can I do? It’ll be boring if you’re sleeping!”    
  
“Go take a shower, for starters.” Felix rolled his eyes at that, earning himself a flick on the forehead. “Rude.”    
  
“That hurt, Binnie hyung~” he whined as his boyfriend pushed past him. “You can’t sleep without changing first!”    
  
“God, you’re so annoying. Give me my pyjamas then,” Changbin grumbled, throwing himself onto the double bed. A worrying thought crossed his mind as he felt around the freshly washed sheets. Does their manager know, or is the whole floor filled with rooms like this? He hoped the answer would be the latter.    
  
Considering Felix fell silent and only shuffled about with the luggage, he sighed relieved and closed his eyes.  _ Finally some peace.  _ Lix will go take a shower and he can sleep all he wants without the boy nagging him. Even if they were together now, the freckled boy still annoyed him to no end. Not in a good way, no. Certainly, definitely not. He would try to cling onto him even more than usual, whether on camera or not, as if it was all okay and casual. To Changbin, it was anything but casual. They are together, for goodness sake! All their affection has a completely different meaning now, and the elder worried everybody else could see the change.    
  
“Hyung, pyjamas.” Something landed on Changbin’s chest. “Change. I won’t look, no worries.”    
  
“Huh? Wait,” he opened his eyes slowly and glanced at the clothes. “You actually got it for me? I was kidding.”    
  
Lix only shrugged and smiled before turning back to rummaging through his suitcase, probably looking for his own clothes. Seo mumbled a quiet thank you and changed quickly, more than aware of Felix’s eyes jumping back and forth between his naked torso and the luggage. It flattered him, more than it should have. For a second Changbin contemplated pointing it out just to tease the boy, but he was too tired to get into any playful arguments or deal with Felix’s awkwardness. Maybe he can use it as blackmail one day.    
  
Folding his worn clothes once changed into the fresh set, he felt those dark eyes all over himself. He understood it without a shirt, sure. But staring so intently when he was wearing a simple shirt and sweats? That felt weird.    
  
“Yah, what are you looking at?” he asked after a minute, turning to look at him. Changbin raised an eyebrow. Felix just sat on the floor, staring at him with those puppy eyes, begging. “What?” his eyes only moved towards the folded clothes before they met Bin’s again. “Oh… no. No. You are  _ not  _ wearing my clothes.”    
  
“But hyung!”    
  
“I wore them all day, they’re sweaty and disgusting. Take something fresh.”    
  
Felix pouted. “But it won’t be the same.”   
  
“Felix, just wear your own clothes. You’ve got more than enough.”    
  
“It’s not the same! We’re boyfriends, we’re supposed to share stuff. And every couple shares clothes!”    
  
“Not the sweaty ones, no.” Felix only pouted more and Bin wanted to smack him.  _ Damn him and his stupid, dumb, idiotic pouts.  _ “Yongbok-ah…”    
  
“It’s just a hoodie, hyung~”    
  
Seo let out a sigh. “But you’re going to take a shower. You can’t just put this on after a shower, idiot.”    
  
“You barely even sweat, Binnie! Please? I will let you sleep if you let me wear it!”    
  
“You will let me sleep either way,” he scoffed and threw the hoodie at his face. “There, happy? What’s the big deal, anyway. It’s just a damn hoodie, Jesus. You’re so annoying, just let me sleep.”    
  
Felix beamed as he hugged it close to his chest. Changbin thought he saw him sniffing it, but it most definitely had to be something else. That would just be weird. “Thanks, hyung! You’re the best. You can sleep now, I promise I’ll be quiet. But don’t you want to shower first?”    
  
Changbin groaned, already in the process of hiding under the covers. “Shut up and go shower.”    
  
“Okay, okay. I’ll be quick, then I’ll cuddle you.”    
  
“I don’t need you to cuddle me.”    
  
“I know you love it when I do,” said Felix. He heard a scoff from the elder who turned his back on him.    
  
Lix only giggled and got out his bathroom supplies, along with shorts and clean underwear. Although his boyfriend often acted as if he never wanted any form of affection, Lee knew it was just an act. He did not have a definite explanation as to why Changbin acted that way, but considering he started being more touchy with Lix, the Aussie figured he just wanted to act tough or pretend he is not attracted to men. Whatever the reason, he chose not to probe too much and simply go along with it. Seo definitely did not mean anything he said. At least Felix hoped so.    
  
He took a quick shower which did the very opposite of calming him down. It made him feel more energised, refreshed, and he could not help dancing as he tried to get dressed. Usually, Felix liked to listen to music or podcasts while spending time in the bathroom but since he did not want to wake his boyfriend, he opted for humming to himself instead whilst applying his moisturiser and other creams on. Skipping the use of a body mist or perfume (since he wanted to smell like Changbin), he stepped out of the bathroom as quietly as he could. Quiet snores reached his ears, bringing a fond smile on his face. Sometimes it all felt like a dream. To him, Seo Changbin was a person who deserved the whole world and more. Felix knew he could never give him all he deserved or wanted, and he knew how hard it would be to try and become the best version of himself, one that would fit well with the older. He felt lucky and grateful to have what they have now, perhaps just as lucky as he feels about being an idol.   
  
Though many could speculate on whether his debut was down to luck…

He tiptoed to the bed and crawled as close as possible, limbs wrapping around Changbin. After leaving a few quick kisses on the man’s exposed shoulder, Felix nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck with a happy hum. Sleep would not come for him for a long while, and a part of him kept buzzing with new ideas.  _ Go explore. Find a gym. Maybe there’s a swimming pool?  _ He tried to ignore all of them and focus on what he had. Laying in bed and spooning his lover may not have been the most productive thing he has ever done, yet Felix chose to do it nevertheless. He enjoyed every single second.

***

By four in the afternoon, Felix woke the whole group and forced them to go for a walk. Needless to say, none of them happily welcomed the idea but in the end the whole group ended up in a park. They couldn’t say no to their freckled sunshine when he made puppy eyes at them.    
  
Lix stayed in Changbin’s hoodie, only putting on a pair of black skinny jeans. His boyfriend’s petty personality resulted in Bin choosing to wear one of Felix’s hoodies and black jeans too, though he swore he had no idea the hoodie belonged to the younger. The Aussie literally saw him taking it out of Lee’s suitcase. Turning a blind eye on it, he allowed Changbin to keep his pride unhurt. 

The couple sat on a blanket by a tree, Felix sipping on some iced tea Chan bought for him and Changbin munching on the various snacks they managed to buy already. Hyunjin, Jisung and Chan seemed to be trying to play some sort of game—Lix figured it may have been tag, or hide and seek. Or a mixture of the two. It clearly did not work too well but they seemed incredibly proud of themselves. Seungmin kept bothering Jeongin, the poor child only wanting to enjoy his time on the swing in peace. Minho sat on the ground beside the two swings, constantly pulling at the chain of Seungmin’s and poking him for no reason, not bothered by the many glares he received. Felix only watched with an endearing smile, heart filling with content upon seeing his family like this.    
  
“Yongbok-ah.” Changbin nudged him lightly. “Why aren’t you eating? Look there’s so much stuff! They don’t have these in Korea,” he said, shoving a packet of crisps in the boy’s face.    
  
Felix shook his head and moved his hand away gently. “I’m not hungry. I ate on the plane, I’m full.”    
  
“That was hours ago, how are you still full? We haven’t even had proper dinner yet.”    
  
“I’m just not hungry, hyung,” said the younger. “You know, that hoodie looks nice on you. You should keep it.”    
  
“I’ve got my own.” Bin rolled his eyes and took a mouthful of the snack. “Besides, people can probably tell it’s yours.”    
  
“So? We all share our clothes all the time. No biggie. It’s normal between friends.” He shrugged. “Especially between couples.”    
  
“Shut up!” Seo gasped, smacking his arm. “You can’t say that out loud! What if somebody heard you? We’d get in so much trouble!”    
  
The younger shrugged and laid back, gazing at the sky through the trees leafing out. Changbin may have caught himself staring at the younger a tad bit too long. The radiant pink washed out of his hair, leaving it almost powder pink with dark roots starting to grow out. He had to admit, he loved pink on Felix yet he could not wait to see him with his fabled bleached blond, or a new colour he hadn’t tried before. On the other hand, he hoped the younger would not be dyeing his hair too soon. It felt and looked healthy, but he had his suspicions regarding that matter.    
  
“Felix?”    
  
“Yeah?”    
  
“Do you wanna like, cuddle? Or, I don’t know, hold hands?” he asked hesitantly, a gentle blush nipping at his cheeks. Felix’s curious eyes met his and Bin could not find any bad signs. “I mean, you know, friends can do it, right? So even if someone saw…”    
  
“Are you offering to romantically cuddle with me in secret but in public?”    
  
“Aish, will you drop it already?”    
  
He giggled and shook his head. “Not a chance, hyung. But I’d really like that,” Lix hummed, moving some jellies aside to make space for his boyfriend to lie down beside him. “Not like I cuddled you for hours today already.”    
  
“Sometimes I get worried,” said Changbin, letting Felix cling onto him while he lied on his back. “I mean, how can you like it  _ that  _ much? Don’t you get hot?”    
  
“I do. That’s what’s great about it. And I’d get bored of doing it with others, I guess. But I can never pass on your hugs, hyung.”    
  
If Changbin’s heart skipped a beat, nobody needed to know. Being so whipped for his bandmate was the last thing he expected to experience in his life, yet here he is. “Lix?”    
  
“Oh my god, can you stop saying my name? Just say whatever you want to say, please.”    
  
Seo huffed. “Fine. Well, I was just thinking…” he looked around briefly. Han and Hyunjin were sprawled on the grass with Chan complaining about something. Minho occupied himself with trying to chase a stray cat and Jeongin now had Seungmin in a headlock. Same old. Nobody else seemed to be around. “So, you know how we are a couple, right?”    
  
“Mhm, yes, I know. Very well, in fact.”    
  
“Don’t get all sassy now.  _ Anyway,  _ I was just wondering, I mean because with Hyunjin you were—but you know, I thought maybe it’s different like, with a boyfriend, so… uh, well, are you the woman?”    
  
Felix blinked, tilting his head to look at his face. “What? Woman? Changbinnie, are you alright? Haven’t I made it clear I identify as a man?”    
  
“No! No, not like that!”    
  
“Like what then?”    
  
Changbin groaned, focusing on the sky. He hoped the other could not see his rosy cheeks. “I meant like, you know… in bed? A-are you the woman?”    
  
“Oh.”    
  
“I mean, it’s fine if you’re not!”   
  
“Well—”   
  
“But I don’t really want to. I mean, I do want to, have sex I mean, but not as a woman!”   
  
“Hyung—”    
  
“Really, though, we could probably—” Changbin cut off confused when Felix shoved some crisps in his mouth, with most of them dropping onto his chest and the blanket anyway. “Huh?”    
  
“Please, just listen to me,” sighed Felix. “No, I am not the woman. There is no man or woman, hyung. We’re not a heterosexual couple, are we? Just, if you want, use words like bottom or top.”    
  
“Oh, okay. Um, sorry. So, you’re the bottom? I mean, I’m sorry, but I do not want you to put it in,” he mumbled with a frown. Felix burst out laughing, pulling away from him while Seo could swear his cheeks were on fire. “What now?!”   
  
“S-sorry!” Lix covered his mouth though it did help much. “It’s just the wording!”    
  
Changbin huffed and turned onto his side, back facing the boy. He felt the thin arms wrapping around him and ignored them completely.    
  
“Oh, hyung, I’m sorry! I just didn’t expect that,” he said, still giggling. “You’re too funny sometimes. You know I love you, right? Sorry~”    
  
“Go away now. You always laugh at me.”    
  
“It’s in a very romantic way. I swear!”    
  
The older huffed yet again and threw the boy’s arms off himself. “I hate you. You’re such a pain sometimes!”   
  
“You love me anyway” he nipped at his bicep playfully. “But yes, hyung, I guess I would be the bottom. No need to worry.”    
  
“You could have just said so without laughing.”    
  
“Aw, I’m sorry. I can give you a kiss when he get back to our room?” Changbin stirred, turning to face him again with slight confusion glazing his eyes.    
  
“What were you laughing at?” Jisung questioned, appearing out of nowhere just to throw himself over the couple. The two groaned simultaneously, complaining even more when Hyunjin chose to lie on Jisung.    
  
“Get off!”    
  
“Nah, we’re tired. Chan hyung really knows how to keep you busy, man. So, what were you laughing at?”    
  
“Your terrible rapping skills,” Hyunjin smirked. The smile disappeared the second Han’s elbow collided with his side. “Ow! Not fair!”   
  
Changbin poked them both, making no attempts to shove them off. “Get off, you’ll kill us. Why are you here, anyway?”    
  
“We got bored. And Chan hyung said he will buy us food once he finds Minho. Have you seen him? I swear I’m dating an absolute dumbass.”    
  
“Rich coming from you, Jisung,” Bin chuckled. The others laughed while Jisung only gasped dramatically. “Well, can you get off now? Seriously, Felix will get squashed.”    
  
“Aw, worried, aren’t we?”    
  
“Shut up, Hyunjin.”    
  
“Guys, I really do love you, but my arm’s going numb,” Felix whined. His arm ended up trapped, hipbone digging into it uncomfortably. “We were having a serious conversation and you just interrupted. How rude of you.”   
  
“It didn’t seem like a very serious one,” Hyunjin mumbled as he rolled off of Han and blindly grabbed a bottle to drink from. “You two looked quite cute, so we had to interrupt.”   
  
“Wow, thank you. That’s just what I wanted you to do.” Lix frowned.    
  
Jisung ruffled his twin’s hair and sat up with a grin. “Cheer up, we’re getting pizza!”    
  
“Oh, hell yeah! I’m starving.”    
  
“I think we should start cleaning up, then,” Felix sighed, sitting up to massage his arm. “It will save us time.”    
  
Hyunjin downed half of the water and threw the bottle aside. “Since you offered so kindly, Felix,” he stood up, Han following his lead. “You can do it yourself! Have fun!”   
  
“Yah, you little—ah, I hate them,” Changbin grumbled, glaring at the two who ran off towards their youngest members.    
  
“You hate pretty much everyone.”    
  
“You, shut up.” Seo threw a packet of jellies at the younger. Felix flashed him a grin. “Don’t think I forgot about that kiss you promised.”    
  
Damn, Felix nearly died right there.    
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there! This fic is going to end soon (at least it’s supposed to) and I have some brief vague ideas for new stories.  
> I just wanted to see which plots/genres you’d like more: high school/university, badass mafia (bc I love mafia fics), angst, supernatural—these are the ones I can think of right now, but any recommendations would be great! 
> 
> I’ll keep the pairings a surprise ;)  
> (it will be Felix x someone because I love Felix too much)


End file.
